


Where We Belong

by ahopper84, themayqueen



Category: Everybody Else (Band), Hanson (Band), Music RPF
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Bi-Curiosity, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexuality, Blow Jobs, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Characters Reading Fanfiction, Cheating, F/M, Fan Characters, Food Kink, Food Sex, Fourth Wall, Gay Sex, M/M, Meta, Metafiction, Semi-Public Sex, Slash, Tour Bus, Tour Bus Sex, Touring, Work Contains Fan(s) or Fandom(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-13
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2018-04-26 05:32:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 57,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4992178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahopper84/pseuds/ahopper84, https://archiveofourown.org/users/themayqueen/pseuds/themayqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zac and Carrick have been friends for a long time--close enough friends to make some people wonder--but things always change on the road. Will touring together again bring these two closer or push them apart?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_  
_

 

**_Carrick_ **

_Whoever invented the six a.m. bus call needs to be dragged out into the street and shot._ That was the thought running through my head as I inched along the parking lot that was US-75. I was one cup of coffee ahead of Zac, which is the only reason I’d been stuck behind the wheel. I glanced over at him in the passenger seat; his head was turned away from me, leaning against the window, but the soft snores told me he’d managed to fall back asleep. Lucky bastard.

Of course, to be totally honest it was our own fault we were so tired. The smart thing to do would’ve been calling it an early night and getting some solid rest in an actual bed. It would be our last chance for at least a couple weeks, after all. But no one ever accused either of us of being smart. So instead we were up until three, smoking and playing video games. We hadn’t seen each other since Fool’s Banquet a few months prior, and the time before that had been at least a year ago. We had way too much catching up to do, and both of us tend to be pretty impatient guys.

It was good to see him again, though. Zac and I had been friends ever since we met, almost seven years ago. It didn’t really feel like it’d been that long at all. Granted, it wasn’t until my band opened for his that we really hit it off, but even before that we’d just clicked. Something about how his sense of humor fit with mine, our shared love of smoking weed, and my ability to follow his insane thought process--most of the time--had struck a chord right from the get-go, and the rest was history.

We didn’t get to hang out nearly as often as either of us liked, but our friendship was so comfortable--so _natural_ \--that we were always able to pick up like no time had passed. It was like we’d been having one never-ending conversation over the last six years. Now that I was opening for him again, we’d have four whole months together. I was really excited for it, and I knew he was too. At least, as excited as anyone can be at _six in the morning_.

After what seemed like forever, but was probably only forty five minutes, I pulled Zac’s truck into the alley behind 3CG Records. I shut the car off and nudged him in the shoulder until he stirred, and then another couple more times until he sat up. He looked around for a minute, a puzzled expression on his face. It was adorable, like waking up a toddler. After a couple seconds, he realized where we were.

“Remind me who the hell decided the tour needed to start this early?” he asked, speaking through a yawn.

“That’d be the diva,” I chuckled, referring to Tay.

“Oh. Right. Remind me to kick his ass later.”

“I’ll help.” I undid my seatbelt and took a sip of my lukewarm coffee. “This is gonna be awesome though,” I said with a smile that Zac returned.

“Yeah ... most fun I ever had on tour was the last time you guys went out with us.”

“Aw … missed me that much, huh?” I teased.

“Nah, just your weed,” he shot back with a smirk.

I rolled my eyes … I knew he was joking. At the same time, we both knew the stuff I could get my hands on in Cali was far superior to anything Oklahoma had to offer.

“Four months, man… I had to find all kinds of crazy hiding places.”

“Yeah?” Zac giggled.

“Let’s just say, if the bags get searched, we’re a little fucked. Not in the fun way,” I added with a wink.

“Well let’s hope they don’t look in all my xBox games.”

“Good one.” I smirked, impressed. I knew Zac had plenty of experience hiding his stash on tour, though, so I wasn’t too surprised. Still, he grinned proudly.

“I thought so.”

“Seriously though,” I said, giving a sincere smile. “It’s gonna be good to hang together again.”

“I know, man. That’s like the only reason I managed to drag my ass out of bed today.”

My only reply was a snort, to which Zac raised an eyebrow.

“Well, I’m kinda the reason you crashed so hard, too,” I clarified.

“True, but I’ve come to expect that when you’re around.” We both chuckled at that.

“Yeah, I think Kate has too, or do you really think she had a totally different reason for choosing not to be home the night before you left?” I raised an eyebrow, and Zac laughed.

“Oh, that was definitely not a coincidence. You missed her speech to me about ‘staying out of trouble’ on the road.”

“But that’s where all the trouble is!” I said, laughing hard. Zac’s wife had always had a stick up her ass, which was probably why she and I never got along, to put it gently.

“I know, right?” Zac paused, and put on a mockingly serious face. “So you gotta help me stay outta trouble. No drinking, no smoking, no drugs, no groupies… Basically, no fun.”

I held a blank stare for as long as I could--which was only a second or two--before cracking up. Zac giggled at that, and even more when I cleared my throat and donned an equally somber expression.

“I mean, of course, Zachary. I shall lead you not into temptation, but to the path of the just. The righteous, the straight and narrow.” I smirked, and Zac gave a chuckle, eyeing me.

“Yeah, I’m sure you know all about the ‘straight’ and narrow.”

I gave him a look. He teased me from time to time about my sexuality--he was one of the few people who knew I was bi. But it was always in a playful way, not judgmental at all.

“Right … you’re the expert on that.”

“I’m a perfectly good little Christian boy,” he said, with an angelic smile that didn’t last. “Until the tour starts.”

“So … the tour started last night, then?”

“Yes,” he giggled. “Yes it did.”

“Well,” I said with a sigh after killing my coffee. “Shall we?”

Zac nodded, and we both dragged our exhausted asses out of the truck and grabbed our luggage from the back.

“Looks like we’re the last ones to the party,” I said as we came around the corner to the front of the building. The tour bus was already waiting, and everyone was loading their suitcases.

“Wow, so it does. Even the Diva is here on time,” Zac added, pointing at Taylor, who was carrying his laptop onto the bus.

“Nah … We’re probably just even later than him.”

We got our bags loaded under the bus, then headed on with our more personal items. Taylor was at the table, typing away at his laptop and sipping on something frothy from Starbucks. Zac often joked about wifi and coffee being Tay’s addictions, and I couldn’t disagree. There was a box of doughnut holes sitting open on the counter, calling out to me; I grabbed a handful and turned, grinning at Zac.

“Goodbye, good little Christian boy,” I teased, walking backwards towards the lounge. He giggled, grabbing a few of the sugary snacks for himself before following. I stepped aside and let him go first, closing the door behind me, then plopped onto the couch next to him. I pulled out the joint that had been sitting behind my ear, and grinned.

“Belated wake ‘n bake?” I asked, even though I knew what his answer would be.

“Hell yes.”

I lit up and took a hit, then passed it to Zac. “Here’s to as much debauchery as we can squeeze into a four month tour,” I said, winking for emphasis.

“Indeed.” He took a deep hit, holding it for a few seconds before passing it back. I took mine, eyeing him.

“That’s a lot of trouble… you sure you’re man enough to take it?”

“I’m a big boy,” he answered, one eyebrow up. “I can handle it.”

I looked him up and down quickly, catching the probably unintentional innuendo. Zac followed my eyes and smirked. My mind was pretty close to the gutter when I was sober; getting high usually sent it plummeting. But Zac was almost as bad, and with what he’d told me recently, I wondered how much worse--or better--it would get.

“Well then…” I didn’t pass him the joint, choosing to present it to him, pinching the nub between my fingers. He leaned forward and took the hit. His eyes were on mine, almost challenging. I laughed and shook my head, mostly to clear it of the dangerous thoughts running around. I inhaled slowly, looking him up and down again.

“Seems like ages ago,” I sighed. “The last tour, I mean.”

“It was ages ago.”

“We’re not as young as we used to be…”

“Hey, speak for yourself. I’m still in my twenties.” Zac grinned, and I gave him a playful shove.

“Yeah, yeah, kid. I can still beat your ass.”

“Yeah, right,” he scoffed, and I cocked an eyebrow.

“You wanna go?”

“Let’s just save you the embarrassment and agree that I would win.” He smirked.

I flipped him off, even though he was probably right. I was at least six inches taller than him, but he definitely had me beat on muscles. We passed the joint back and forth a couple more times until it was gone. I leaned back and stretched my arms out, one of them behind Zac. He sighed and relaxed, his hair brushing against my arm. It tickled a little, but I was too high to care.

“Hey,” I said, smirking at him.

“What?”

Instead of answering, I grinned, wrapping my arm around his neck in a headlock. He yelped and fought back, thrashing enough to knock both of us to the floor. Somehow I got the upper hand, grabbing his arms and pinning him down.

“Told ya I could beat your ass, man.”

Zac groaned, and managed to wiggle out of my grip and flip me over. “Yeah?”

I rolled out from under him, twisted his arm back and shoved him belly-down against the floor, sitting on his legs.

“Yeah,” I laughed, panting for breath.

“Good thing you locked the door,” Zac said over his shoulder. “Wouldn’t wanna have to explain this to anyone who walked in.”

I couldn’t actually remember if I had locked the door. So instead of saying anything one way or the other, I laughed and gave Zac’s ass a smack.

“Hey now,” he said after a gasp.

“Aw, what’sa matter,” I cooed teasingly. “Afraid of a little discipline?”

“You’re fucking sick, dude,” Zac said, one eyebrow up skeptically.

“Might wanna watch your tone… Not really in a position to talk back, are ya, kid?” I tilted my head, letting my tone darken. “Hm, what to do…”

Zac smirked and reached his free hand--which I thought I’d pinned under him--back, grabbing my shirt and yanking me down to the floor.

“Oh, fuck,” I groaned between laughs. “You’re gonna pay for that.”

“Oh, yeah?”

He may have had more muscle, but I had longer legs. I wrapped them around his, grabbing his other arm and rolling onto him again. This time I used my whole body to pin his, leaning my head on the floor next to his.

“Now what, huh?” I panted.

“Ugh,” he groaned. “Just because I’m still like half awake… and stoned… Not a fair fight.”

“Sure, sure.” I leaned my forehead on his shoulder, trying to catch my breath. I was a little out of shape, and Zac wasn’t exactly easy to take down.

“You okay there? Wear yourself out trying to kick my ass?” he chuckled. I tried to shove him, but with my body basically laying on top of his, it came out a little more like grinding. Zac’s eyes shot wide when he felt it.

“Um…”

“Shit,” I cursed. “That, uh…” I rolled to my side, letting him go entirely. He laughed it off, but there was no denying the awkwardness. “Anyway …”

“I know I’m sexy, but damn, dude. Have some control.”

“Don’t flatter yourself,” I fired back with a playful glare. “You know me when I’m high.” I tried to smile, but the haze of awkwardness was still hanging between us.

“Don’t worry about it, man. I know how you are.”

I looked him up and down, and thought I saw … something. I shook my head, blaming it on wishful thinking. Still, his uneasy laugh made me wonder. Maybe it wasn’t my imagination after all.

“Yeah,” I said, smirking. “But don’t forget I know how you are too.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Just saying,” I said, shrugging and trying to look innocent, which as a bit of a stretch for me. “We’re not that different.”

“Is that so?” Zac asked, his eyes wide as if this was totally new information. I smirked and leaned closer, lowering my voice.

“Or did you forget telling me all those thoughts you sometimes have?” I said slowly. His eyes shot even further open.

“I… _what_?”

I blinked, confused, until it hit me.

“You, um… you _did_ forget, didn’t you?”

“It kinda seems that way.” He laughed uneasily, and I felt horrible. I let out a heavy sigh.

“Shit man, I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright… no big deal,” he sighed, but I wasn’t buying it.

“You sure?” I moved closer, putting a hand on his shoulder. “You know you can trust me.” I didn’t think this would hurt our friendship at all, especially since we flirted with each other all the time anyway, but I was still worried about how Zac would act around me now.

“Yeah, I know,” he said, nodding. I rubbed his back a bit, hoping to ease some of the tension.

“Do you wanna know what you told me? Or do you remember now?”

“Umm… I have a very, very vague recollection. might as well refresh my memory,” he added, laughing nervously, again. I let out a sigh, trying to think where to begin.

“Well, you were asking me about what I’ve done and you kinda admitted to thinking about it once or twice.” I watched him closely, gauging his reaction.

“Okay… That’s … that’s true.”

“Well…” I went on, carefully. “You kinda changed your story a bit, though. Once or twice became once in awhile… But that’s all you told me.”

Zac nodded slowly. “Well… I mean that’s all it is. Curious, you know?”

I nodded, and pulled my hand away. “Yeah, I guess all guys get at least a little curious.” I paused, and smirked. “I’m not really one to talk, though.”

“Yeah, you’re a little more than just curious, aren’t you?” he chuckled.

“Curious is for the inexperienced,” I said with a grin. “I _know_ , baby.”

He chuckled lightly, but glanced away. I wasn’t trying to flirt, any more than usual anyway, but I just couldn’t seem to help it with Zac, especially with what I knew now. I looked away for a second, but when I looked back his eyes were on me, his lower lip caught between his teeth.

“So yeah,” I said, giving him a playful shove. “Told you I could beat your ass.”

“Yeah, whatever,” he laughed. “I’ll beat yours next time.”

“That a promise?” I asked quietly, before I could stop myself.

“Umm…”

“Just playin’,” I laughed, but of course he didn’t believe me.

“Yeah, sure you are. Fucking perv.” He gave me a playful nudge, so I knew I hadn’t done too much damage. I snorted, shoving him, and he shoved me right back.

“Ready for round two already?” I asked as we shoulder-checked back and forth.

“You think you can handle it?”

So he was challenging me with my own words. Interesting. I raised an eyebrow and grinned.

“Oh I can definitely handle it. Question is, can you?”

“You bet your ass I can.”

Our pushing had gotten steadily more aggressive right along with our banter. I shoved my shoulder hard against his, leaning against him. He put his weight into it, and I tumbled back onto the floor. I stared up at him, looking so smug. I grabbed the front of his shirt and yanked him down with me. He landed half on top of me, but I quickly rolled him over, pinning his wrists to the floor.

“Still got ya.”

He struggled against me, but in the position I had him, I had the advantage. His struggling was starting to cause a reaction, though, and not just a physical one. I’d never thought of myself as a dominant type, but there was something about him laying under me, completely at my mercy… I tilted my head, smirking.

“Seems like you’re stuck.”

Of course, he had to answer back with that damn face. The puppy-eyed pout I was pretty sure he’d been perfecting his whole life. Usually it was for another joint, or for me to go get us munchies, and usually I was able to ignore it. But this whole situation was already anything but usual. I let my grip on his wrists loosen just a little; I didn’t want to actually hurt him, or to think I’d ever do anything he didn’t actually want.

Serves me right for falling for it.

Before I knew what had happened, he had pulled his hands free and flipped us over, pinning me the same way I’d had him. Unfortunately, that pesky muscle mass made sure I wasn’t getting away easy.

“Sneaky little bastard,” I muttered, shaking my head. I struggled against him, even though I knew it was pointless. Worse than pointless, even--friction in certain areas was causing a whole new problem or at least making an existing one worse. My eyes went wide, and so did his. We both froze, which only made the problem more obvious… and apparently it wasn’t just me.

If it was anyone else, I would’ve cracked up… but no. Zac and I had gotten into a pissing contest that ended up with us wrestling on the floor, grinding against each other, until we were both hard. Like I said; hilarious, if it was anyone else.

About that door I either had or hadn’t locked… I hadn’t. Taylor--because of course it was Tay--chose that moment to walk in.

“Hey guys, we-” He stopped, hand on the door, one foot raised mid-step. His eyes were wide as saucers, and a lovely shade of pink spread across his face. Without another word he disappeared, the door slamming shut; I could practically see the cartoon puff of smoke where he’d been standing. It wasn’t until after he was gone that Zac snapped out of it, scrambling off of me and onto the couch.

I stayed on the floor, catching my breath from the damn-near heart attack I’d just had. After a few seconds I rolled over and sat up, looking at Zac.

“So, about that control,” I said, chuckling. Someone had to lighten the mood, and Zac looked like a scared rabbit, so I was pretty sure it was up to me. “Looks like I’m not the only one that needs some.”

“Trust me dude, that was… I mean…” Zac ran a hand through his hair, looking away. “Don’t get all smug on me. Not like you’re my type anyway.”

Ouch. I knew it was bullshit, but it still stung. But hey, if he wanted to live in denial, whatever. I got up and brushed myself off, trying to look cooler than I felt.

“Yeah, likewise. Not really into married men.” I waited for a reaction, but Zac just picked up a magazine off the table and started flipping through it.

“I need a drink,” I muttered, mostly to myself as I left the lounge. Great way to start the tour.


	2. Chapter 2

**_Zac_ ******

Tour time… the most wonderful time of the year.

I’ve always joked about how sweet it is to get away from home and go out on the road, but behind every joke lies a little bit of reality. Couch the truth in enough humor and people will believe that you really are just a big dork who likes having the extra time to play his video games. 

Sure, the games were part of it, but touring gave me a chance to get outside of my little bubble and breathe. To be someone different. Someone a little closer to who I really wanted to be. 

It wasn’t that I didn’t like myself or anything, and it wasn’t that my wife was forcing me to be someone different, although I’m sure my fans had their own theories about that. It was just a part of my world, a part of being famous. Everyone wants something different from you, and you get used to giving them that. It became easy to do, to shift from one personality to another. But the devoted, church-going husband routine…it was never the easiest one for me, no matter how much I loved Kate. I wouldn’t ever admit it to her, but getting away from all those responsibilities for a few months was a big relief.

Having my best friend, Carrick, on tour with us should have made it an even bigger relief, and in certain ways, it did. Before we even made it to the first city, the two of us had claimed the back lounge and turned it into our own personal stoner den. Things got a little crazy, but they always did when we got together. It was no big deal, really, although I was curious just how many secrets I’d apparently spilled to him the last time we’d hung out. There would be plenty of time to ask him about that later, if I ever grew the balls to do it.

It didn’t really look like I was going to get the chance, though. As soon as we arrived in Des Moines, there was so much work to do that I barely saw Carrick at all. I did manage to catch his set from the side of the stage, but that wasn’t the same as talking to him.

Once our set was finished, I grabbed a quick shower and headed out to the bus for my usual post-show routine. It’s something I don’t have to do, but I enjoy it. I would have enjoyed it even more that night if it hadn’t seemed like every single fan asked where Carrick was. I supposed they remembered our antics from the last tour together, and wanted a repeat. I didn’t have an answer for them, though. I just pasted on a smile and lied, because whatever the truth was, I didn’t think it was anything I wanted to share with the fans. It was pretty safe to say it was probably my fault, though. It always was.

After the fans finally dissipated, I made my way onto the bus and located Carrick in the back, eyes glued to the screen, playing one of my video games. 

“Carrick?” I asked reluctantly.

“Hey, man,” he replied, a smile on his face that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Hey… found one of the ones that actually has a game inside, huh?” I asked, chuckling somewhat nervously. 

“Yeah,” he replied with a laugh. After a moment’s pause, he smirked. “Wanna pull out one of the fakes?”

“Sure,” I replied, my relief palpable. Maybe all that awkwardness from the other night was gone. I could only hope it was, as I dug through my shelf of games for an old Grand Theft Auto I’d stuffed a twenty into. I pulled the baggie out and held it out to Carrick. “Wanna roll us one?”

He plucked the bag from my hand. “Sure.”

I sat down on the other end of the couch and watched him carefully; he’d always been better at the fine art of rolling a joint than I was, and it was almost as mesmerizing to watch his fingers then as it was to watch him on stage. He was focused intently on the task at hand, but once or twice I saw his eyes flicker toward me. There was something in them, an unanswered question, and I knew we couldn’t avoid the questions forever.

“So, uh, a couple fans out there asked about you,” I remarked, trying to sound casual.

“Yeah?” Carrick asked, tossing his hair back and looking up at me.

“Yeah.” I nodded. “Wanted to know why you didn’t come hang out.”

“Didn’t wanna steal your thunder,” he replied with a casual shrug, but I knew that wasn’t the real answer. His eyes were trained on me as he licked the paper to seal the joint. 

I had to look away. I had to make a joke and play it all off, because that was what I did when things got too heavy. With a chuckle, I said, “Like you could.”

Carrick just rolled his eyes, shook his head and licked the other joint. Again, I couldn’t watch. It wasn’t an inherently sexual move, but when Carrick did it…

“Seriously, though,” I said, more to distract myself with words than because I had anything to say. “Sounded like they missed you.”

His eyes landed on me again, then fell, his bangs covering them so that I couldn’t even begin to guess what he was thinking. “Maybe next time.”

“Yeah?” I asked, sounding stupidly hopeful. So what if I liked being near him as much as possible?

“Yeah,” he replied, tucking one joint behind his ear and holding the other one out to me. “First dibs?”

“Don’t mind if I do.” I pulled a lighter from my pocket and fired the joint up, taking a nice, long hit. Maybe it was a little greedy, but I needed it. 

I handed the joint back to Carrick and watched as he took an even longer hit. He leaned his head back against the couch as he finally exhaled, then passed it back to me and smiled. “So… tour’s officially on.”

“Yup.. let the debauchery begin.” I wondered if Carrick knew how much of a joke that really was. I could talk a good game, but what did I actually do? Not a whole hell of a lot, mostly for fear of Kate’s wrath. 

“You said it, not me,” Carrick remarked.

“Think we got a head start on it the other night,” I said, taking the joint from him and taking another long drag.  
Carrick snorted. “You think that was debauchery? Man, you got a lot to learn, kid.”

“Well, by my standards,” I mumbled, hating to admit the truth. At the same time, I was fairly certain that if anyone could see right through me, it was Carrick. 

“Guess I’m just gonna have to show ya the ropes, then.” He heaved a sigh, as though the thought of it was just exhausting. 

“Is that right?” I asked, chuckling softly. Just how much Carrick was joking… well, I wasn’t really sure.

“That is,” Carrick said, leaning in closer to me. “If you think you can handle it.”

There was a challenge in his words. Almost a threat. And truthfully, I didn’t know if I _could_ handle it. That first night on the bus had proven that when the going got tough, I tucked tail and ran like a little bitch. 

But I couldn’t tell Carrick that. I had to keep up appearances. Trying not to sound as scared as I felt, I replied, “I think I can.”

Carrick eyed me closely, as if he was trying to see the lie on my face, and I was sure that he could. I was certain that any second, he would call me out for it. But he didn’t. He just plucked the joint from my fingers and took another hit. 

I watched Carrick’s hand, joint tucked between his long, thin fingers. It was nearly impossible to take my eyes off him, and watching him with that joint was giving me horrible ideas. While his eyes were still closed, I grabbed his wrist and pulled his hand up to my mouth. His eyes fluttered open just as my lips connected with the joint. I took a long, slow hit, savoring both the sweet burn and the fact that, judging by how wide his eyes were, I’d managed to shock Carrick.

Finally, I loosened my grip on his wrist, letting his hand fall limply to the couch. Carrick exhaled heavily, and I reluctantly breathed out as well. My bravery deserted me in that puff of smoke, leaving me unable to even meet Carrick’s eyes.

I kept my eyes on Carrick’s lips as he took another long drag. I was so caught up in it that it took me a moment to realize what he was doing when I suddenly saw the joint materialize in front of my face. Now he was definitely challenging me, daring me. And I might have been chicken shit, but I couldn’t let Carrick win this. 

I mustered up all of my courage and stared straight into his eyes as I pressed my lips to the joint. His thumb brushed my jaw and I wasn’t sure if it was an intentional move or just a side effect of his hand being so close to my face. It was burning hot against my flesh, even though it was the faintest ghost of a touch. I leaned back and exhaled slowly, hoping to cover the fact that I was trembling all over.

If I hadn’t known better, I would have thought Carrick was a little bit affected by this strange game we were playing, too. He hesitated a bit before pulling the joint to his lips again. I was so drawn in by the way his cheeks hollowed out when he inhaled, and the way he ran his tongue over his lips that it took me a moment to realize he’d spoken to me.

Holding the tiny stub of a joint out to me, he said, “It’s almost kicked.”

Being careful not to burn my fingers, I took once last hit, then passed it back. It scared me shitless to do it, but I kept my eyes trained on Carrick, trying to anticipate his next move.

“Probably one more…” he commented, running his tongue along his bottom lip. I watched his cheeks hollow as he inhaled and held it in. He sat the now cashed joint down and scooted closer to me.

“So…” I said, fairly certain I knew what Carrick was planning. The smirk his lips were curling into was the last clue I needed.

It wasn’t like we’d never done this before; shotgunning was every stoner’s favorite way to try to get a little more bang for their buck. Sure, it was a little awkward when it was two dudes, but that never really bothered us. At least, it hadn’t in the past. It wasn’t like we were _actually_ kissing, so what did it matter? 

If it didn’t matter, though, why did I feel myself trembling? And why did Carrick seem to look so nervous as he placed a finger under my chin, urging me closer to him? 

I did my best to push those thoughts aside as I leaned in and found his lips, hovering as close to them as I possibly could without actually touching. I felt Carrick exhale, a soft sigh falling from his lips, and I breathed in deeply.

One of us needed to move. One of us really, really needed to move. I knew that, and yet I still couldn’t seem to get my body to cooperate with me. I was shaking from head to toe, practically vibrating, and then--I felt it. My lips grazed Carrick’s, so faintly that I knew I could have brushed it off as an accident if I’d wanted to.  
I didn’t want to.

I pressed my lips firmly against his, leaving no doubt as to whether or not we were still just shotgunning. That first little touch had opened the floodgates for me, and I didn’t think they could ever be closed again. I needed to kiss him, touch him, taste him. I needed more than I would ever dare admit. 

Carrick moaned against my lips, planting his hands firmly on my knees. I grabbed fistfuls of his hair, not wanting to risk him getting away from me now, and ran my tongue along his bottom lip. One of his hands went to my waist and his tongue darted out to mingle with mine. I sucked it into my mouth, relishing the taste of him.

What I had apparently drunkenly told Carrick… it wasn’t entirely the truth. It was a part of the truth, but I supposed drunk Zac had decided just to test the waters with him. The truth was, I’d done this before, though not with Carrick and not since I was a teenager, not since before Kate--and okay, that one other time when we had broken up briefly. But this was so much better than I remembered, and I would have been perfectly happy to kiss Carrick forever.

But of course, it couldn’t last forever. Even as I was nearly crawling into his lap, I could feel him trembling and I knew he had to be freaked out. Hell, _I_ was freaked out. Where had I suddenly gotten the nerve to do this, after spending so many years restraining myself?

I pulled back first and gasped out, “Carrick…”

He just stared at me, and I knew I had to be the one who try to play this off. After all, we were both pretty stoned, weren’t we?

“I have no clue what we’re doing here…” I said, chuckling a little as I rested my head against his shoulder. 

After a pause, Carrick laughed, too. “Seriously, think about how we got here.”

“Huh?” I asked, not sure why _he_ thought this was so funny. 

“From a ‘who’s stronger’ pissing contest… to this? Kinda like a bad fanfic, ain’t it?”

“Please tell me you haven’t read fanfic about us.”

Carrick just stared at me, his lips curling into a smirk that wasn’t at all believable. “‘Course not.”

“You totally did, you perv,” I replied. 

“Right,” Carrick replied, his eyes darkening as he stared me down. “So that _wasn’t_ fanfic I saw in your porn folder? And I don’t remember seeing my name…”

“That was… I… what were you doing in my porn folder?!” I stuttered out. There was obviously no point in denying it; it seemed like he was one step ahead of me at all times, always just a little bit closer to discovering my deepest, darkest secrets than I would have liked.

“And you call me a perv. What was that term again?” Carrick didn’t give me a chance to answer--not that I would have dared--before adding, “Pretty kinky stuff.”

“They’ve got a name for us, too,” I said. I knew it was as good as admitting the truth about what Carrick had found on my laptop, but I needed to know how much he knew. I needed to know if he was in this as deep as I was.

“Zarrick.” He nodded. “Kinda got a nice ring to it, don’t ya think?”

“I knew you’d read it too!” I exclaimed, the words tumbling out before I could even consider the implications. But if he’d dug deep enough in my computer to find those files, surely he knew… Still, I tried to cover my tracks, but could only manage to stutter out, “I mean, umm…”

“Like I said,” Carrick replied, “you call _me_ a perv…”

“Well, you were apparently snooping in my porn,” I pointed out, knowing it was a weak argument.

He snorted. “I don’t think that’s on quite the same level. Of course, we could ask Tay what he thinks is worse…”

My cheeks felt like they were on fire. There was no way to play this off and pretend I’d just accidentally stumbled onto that stuff. Sure, that was how it started, but like watching a car crash, you just can’t look away. And somewhere along the way, I’d started to seek out it, curious--and a little turned on--to see what new and salacious things had come from the minds of our fans.

“So,” Carrick said, his voice a little softer than before, almost shy. “You’ve thought about… this… before?”

“Maybe,” I mumbled, staring at the bus’s carpeted floor like it was the most interesting thing I’d ever seen.

“I should show you my bookmarks,” Carrick replied. “I’ve got a few you’d probably like.”

My head shot up, eyes wide. Was he implying what I thought he was implying? “Really?”

Carrick just smirked and nodded.

“So, you’ve… thought about it, too?” It was an innocent, if obvious question, that didn’t even scratch the surface of all that I felt and was too afraid to ask.

“You could say that…” Carrick replied. With an almost dismissive shrug, he added, “Thought, fantasized…”

“Yeah,” I replied, breathlessly. “Fantasized is a good word for it.”

And it was, but again, it barely scratched the surface. There was so much more I wanted to say, and even more that I _didn’t_ want to say. So many things I had done that I’d kept secret for years, and so many more things that I wanted to do… with Carrick.

The sound of the rest of the band and crew boarding the bus made both of our heads shoot up. It reminded me that we really had no privacy for the duration of this tour. Maybe that was a good thing. Maybe it would keep me from doing things I might regret. 

“Sounds like they’re ready to hit the road,” Carrick remarked. He patted my knee, then winked and said, “Guess I’ll be doing some more of that fantasizing on my own tonight…”

“Yeah, and I’m sleeping in the bunk below you,” I shot back.

Carrick glanced at me, his lips turning up into a slow smirk. Without another word, he picked up the xBox controller and switched the game back on.

Privacy or no privacy, I had a feeling Carrick was going to get me into trouble on this tour. And I didn’t think I would mind that at all.


	3. Chapter 3

**_Zac_ **

_The small backstage bathroom was disgusting. Taylor could only imagine--not that he wanted to--how many other people had been in his exact position. For all he could remember, he had been in this exact position with Zac before. They’d done this so many times, in so many different hidden locations that Taylor had lost count._

_Each time was its own experience, though, and Taylor wanted to savor them all. His eyes were trained on Zac as his brother dropped to his knees and made quick work of the button and zipper on Taylor’s pants. Taylor’s dick popped free, already fully hard, thanks to all the teasing Zac had done on stage during their soundcheck._

_Zac took it all in one gulp, shoving Taylor’s hips back against the tile wall as he did so. Taylor let out a pathetic little yelp that was lost in the moan that followed when he felt the back of Zac’s throat._

_Had they locked the door? Taylor couldn’t remember. He didn’t want to check, but he couldn’t help himself. One eye flickered open and glanced at the door--definitely not locked. And yet, that made it even hotter, knowing that anyone could walk in on them at any time. It was dangerous and hot and Taylor didn’t want it to ever end._

_Zac could play him like a finely tuned piano, though, and Taylor knew he would draw it out only as long as he wanted to. He could be a tease, but he would never leave his brother hanging, nor would he rush things, even when they didn’t really have enough time._

_Right then, they definitely didn’t have enough time, but Zac was taking his sweet time, his tongue swirling in torturously slow circles around Taylor’s head. Taylor was going to die before he got off, he was certain of it. He was absolutely going to die if Zac didn’t--_

_**Buzz. Buzz.** _

I nearly jumped out of my chair when the tiny print on my phone screen vanished and was replaced with a smiling photo of my wife. Of all the terrible times for her to call, while I was checking for new fanfics had to be the worst.

Kate always took it upon herself to call me when I was on tour, because she knew if left to my own devices, I would just forget. It made me a bad person, I knew, but touring felt like a vacation from my husbandly and fatherly duties. Kate made sure that I didn’t forget that those duties included talking to her on a regular basis, though. Knowing I couldn’t avoid it forever, I swiped across the screen to answer her call.

“Hello?” 

“Hey, just thought I would check in, since I didn’t hear from you yesterday.” Her voice was syrupy sweet, but I didn’t miss the accusation.  
“Yeah, we umm… we had a really early bus call to make it into Pennsylvania today. Sorry,” I replied, shifting around to get as comfortable as I could on the green room couch.

It wasn’t a lie, really. We did leave Long Island at an ungodly hour in the morning. But I’d spent the last few days so preoccupied with thoughts of Carrick and what we’d done that it was amazing I’d been able to focus on the concerts. Focusing on things that were thousands of miles away… well, that wasn’t going to happen at all. 

I should have been thinking about her, I supposed. Maybe then I wouldn’t have given in to temptation and finally found out what it felt like to kiss Carrick. As much as Kate and I fought over anything and everything, there was one thing she could never accuse of me being--a cheater. My faithfulness was about the only thing I had going for me, I was pretty sure.

Until now. In one night, I had changed all of that. Thinking about it, reading about it… all of that was no big deal, or so I had managed to convince myself. As long as it stayed a deep, dark secret that I never acted upon, it was fine. 

“She’s going to the doctor next week, so just don’t tell Ike, okay?”

I suddenly realized that my wife was speaking to me. Once again, I was a bad husband. I shook my head to try to clear out the thoughts of Carrick and asked, “Who’s going to the what?”

“You haven’t been listening at all, have you?” Kate asked, heaving a sigh. “I’m not telling you the whole throwing up in Dilly Deli story again, but long story short--Nikki thinks she might be pregnant. And I don’t know why I told you at all, because you can’t keep a secret to save your life.”

“Pregnant, huh?” I replied. “I didn’t think they were even trying for another.”

“I guess it was a bit of a surprise. And it still will be if you keep your mouth shut.”

“I will, I will.” I sighed. I was sure Isaac would be happy to find out, though, no matter who told him. The two of them had always gone with the flow, always happy to be surprised. Kate and I tried to plan things out a bit more, even when it seemed the universe didn’t care about our plans. I knew I didn’t need to drag up an old argument, but I found that I couldn’t help myself. 

“Do you think, maybe, when we get that break in the tour… I mean, if you go off the pill now, we could start trying then, couldn’t we?”

“We could,” Kate replied, drawing the words out, “ _if_ I went off the pill.”

“But you’re not going to,” I said, knowing how this conversation was going to go. It wasn’t the first time we’d gone around in the same circles.

Kate sighed so heavily I could hear it over the phone. “I just don’t see why we’re talking about having another when Junia isn’t even in pre-school yet.”

I didn’t bother pointing out that she was the same age Shepherd had been when we conceived her. Instead, I decided to try another tactic, adopting the sweetest tone of voice I could manage, “I just don’t see why you won’t even consider it. I mean, come on, Katie. You know we make the cutest babies.”

“It’s not about that, Zac,” she replied, but I could hear her voice softening some. “It’s just, you know, I don’t think you’re really considering that we’re talking about another life here. Another person. Not some magical solution to all of our problems.”

“What problems?” I asked. It wasn’t as though things were perfect between us, but she was talking like we were on the verge of divorce. Were we? If so, it was news to me.

“Zac…” Kate sighed. “I just mean that in general. It’s just a fact. I hate to bring them into this, but think about how rough Natalie and Taylor had it at first. They’re making it work now, but I think we can all agree bringing a baby into the equation did not help.”

“They were eighteen and nineteen, Kate. We’re both nearly thirty, not to mention, married.” 

“Look, I need to go,” she said abruptly. “It’s apparently snack time for a certain son of yours. We’ll talk about this again, though. But don’t expect my answer to change.”

“Yeah, alright,” I replied, sighing. “Talk to you later. Love you.”

“Bye, Zac.”

It wasn’t really like her not to say it back, but I thought I could heard Shepherd yelling in the background just before the line went dead. All things considered, that had been far from the worst argument we’d ever had. It wasn’t like Kate was really _wrong_ , but what was so bad about wanting another baby? What was wrong with being surprised that my wife wouldn’t even discuss it? 

And what was all that about it not solving all of our problems? What problems?

Sure, our marriage wasn’t perfect, but what marriage was? We had our little disagreements, but we almost always worked things out. Maybe we had certain fundamental, philosophical differences, but that made life interesting. Opposites attract and all that. Jokes aside, I wasn’t _that_ horrible to her. At least, not that she was aware of…

Yet she was the one to mention problems. Maybe our differences were a bigger wedge than I realized. If Kate was already talking like that… what did I really have to feel so guilty about?

I glanced down at the phone still in my hand, and considered opening up that fanfic page again. I had already gotten a little scare, though, even if Kate hadn’t really been there to bust me for reading smut backstage. Right then, a power nap before my soundcheck seemed like an even better idea. I stuffed my phone into my pocket and closed my eyes, letting the scene I’d read a few minutes earlier play out in my imagination… with one little substitution to the cast.

Soon I had drifted off, lost in a blissful slumber and an even more blissful wet dream. It was so realistic that it took me a moment to realize that the hand running through my hair wasn’t just a figment of my imagination. 

“Mmm, Ca--” I mumbled, my eyes fluttering open. “Carrick?”

“Hey,” he said, chuckling softly. “Sorry for waking you. Sounded like a pretty good dream.”

“Huh?” I asked, blinking and hoping the look on my face didn’t give me away. “Oh, I was just… I don’t remember. Guess I may have been dreaming.”

“Yeah.” He nodded. “Shame that stuff never lasts. Anyway, I just finished soundcheck. I think your brothers are out getting lunch still.”

“Sorry I missed your soundcheck…” I knew I sounded pathetic, and I was probably pouting, but I really was sad to miss him on stage. I wanted to see Carrick perform as much as possible; he was just that intoxicating.

“It’s all good,” Carrick replied, shrugging. “You’ll hear the real thing later, anyway, right?”

“True…” I replied, my lips curling into a smile as I remembered the last show, which I had watched from the perfect vantage point to see Carrick’s ass wiggling around the stage.

He stared at me for a moment, then gave a little sigh and looked down. I bit my lip as I looked back at him, wondering how things were still so awkward. Well, okay. That was a lie. I knew why they were awkward; I just didn’t want to address the elephant in the room. If we never talked about that little makeout session, that was fine by me.

“So, how long are we going to keep this up?”

Well, fuck. I forced a blank, innocent look on my face and asked, “Huh? Keep what up?”

Carrick just stared me down. “This whole dancing around what happened. Are we gonna talk about it, or pretend it didn’t happen? ‘Cause it looks like you can’t make up your mind, and I’d really like to know where we stand.”

“I don’t… I don’t know what to say about it,” I replied honestly, running a hand through my hair. “I mean, I could say I was just stoned but how many hundreds of times have we gotten stoned together and not… done that?”

Carrick rolled his eyes. “We made out, Zac. Not saying it doesn’t change anything.”

“Well, what do you want me to say about it?”

“I don’t know,” he replied, bowing his head so that I couldn’t see his eyes. I had a feeling that was a deliberate move, although I had no clue what I would see in them if I were looking. “I mean, you’re married so it’s not like…”

“Yeah, well.” I snorted, remembering what Kate had said about things that didn’t fix all of our problems. She might have had no clue what those problems really were, but I was starting to realize she was right. Maybe things were rapidly moving past the point of being fixable. “That doesn’t… it doesn’t have anything to do with what we did, okay? With me… kissing you.”

He looked up, a puzzled frown on his face. “How the hell do you figure that?”

“Carrick, you know me,” I began. It was time to put at least a few of my cards on the table, I decided. “Other than the weed, when have you ever seen me doing anything bad, anything she wouldn’t approve of? It’s not me. I’m not just… a cheater or whatever. I wouldn’t do something like that just for the hell of it, and just risk everything if it wasn’t… well, if it wasn’t already at risk.”

“Zac? What’s going on?” Carrick asked, looking far more concerned that I’d meant for him to. Yeah, things were bad, but if Carrick thought they were even worse than they really were… well, I could work with that.

I shook my head. “Just the same old shit, you know? But maybe… I don’t know, I think we’re reaching a breaking point.”

“Wow,” he said, finally breaking eye contact with me. “I’m... sorry. I didn’t know.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I replied, shrugging. “It is what it is. But I’m not… whatever’s happening with her, it wasn’t why I kissed you.”

“So why did you, then?”

My voice barely above a whisper, because I didn’t want to admit it but I knew I was backed into a corner now, I replied, “I had to know. I had to know how it would feel.”

Carrick heaved a sigh, looking almost disappointed. “There’s plenty of other guys out there, Zac.”

I stared blankly at him. Did I really have to spell it out? Did he really have no clue how much I lusted after him? Apparently not. “Yeah, but kissing them wouldn’t feel the same as kissing you, would it?”

Carrick stared back at me for a moment, then leaned back against his seat and looked away. Had I said the wrong thing again? I didn’t know what he wanted from me, what he wanted to hear.

“I don’t wanna be that guy, Zac,” he said, the words coming out in almost a growl, tinged with anger or something very close to it. “Don’t make me the last straw in your marriage.”

“That’s not… that’s not what I’m trying to do at all. What I feel… what I wanna do with you.... that’s something totally separate from what’s happening with Kate.” I didn’t like this. I didn’t like how honest he was forcing me to be. I was getting so close to a truth that I didn’t want to admit to him, and I wasn’t sure he even knew how far he was pushing me.

“But it isn’t, though,” he replied, shaking his head. “It might feel that way to you, but it really isn’t. Actions have consequences. For more people than just you.”

“I get that, okay?” I replied. “But what I mean is… I’m not doing this just to spite her or just to experiment or whatever you think. It’s not like that.”

“So what is it like, then?” Carrick sneered. I wasn’t sure he was going to like the answer, judging by the way he rolled his eyes at me, but I wasn’t sure I had any other options left but the truth.

“It’s like… like I wanted to kiss you, okay? Not just any guy. Not to experiment. But just because you’re… _you_.”

The faintest glimmer of a smile crossed Carrick’s lips, and I thought I saw a surprised look in his eyes before he turned away and shook his head. “That still doesn’t change the fact that you’re married, though.”

“And if I said I didn’t know how much longer I was gonna be? Would that change anything?” It was a mostly hypothetical question at that point, but Carrick didn’t need to know that.

He chewed on his lip for a moment, looking almost nervous. “It might.”

I scooted to the end of the couch, putting as little space between us as I could. “Would it mean… I could kiss you again?”

Carrick glanced away from me again, then back, but his smile was gone. “I have a girlfriend, too, you know.”

“Oh. I think you told me that,” I replied, racking my brain to try to remember if I’d known that and just stored the fact under ‘irrelevant’ or if I’d lost touch with Carrick so much that I really hadn’t even known. I wasn’t sure it mattered which; just like I wasn’t letting my marriage stop me from getting what I wanted, I wasn’t going to let this girl I didn’t even know stop me, either. 

“Right,” Carrick replied, rolling his eyes. Mumbling, he added, “Probably won’t tomorrow, though.”

I wasn’t sure what he meant by that, and the words were so low that I wasn’t sure they were meant for me to hear at all. All I knew was that now that I’d admitted the truth, there was no going back. I knew what I wanted, and I was determined to get it. 

Inching a little closer to him and lowering my voice, I said, “Carrick, I… I don’t think just once is gonna be enough for me.”

“Yeah… I know.” Carrick’s eyes flitted up and down my body, something like nervousness in them but something different, too. Something like… lust? Could it be? He’d done nothing during this conversation but try to talk me out of pursuing him, but maybe that really was just a moral argument. Maybe, deep down, he wanted me, too.

“Please, Carrick,” I said, lunging toward him and pawing at his shirt. I probably looked pathetic, but I really didn’t care. I wanted him, and I was done hiding it. 

“So, you and Kate… you’re really…” Carrick glanced down at my hand, then up at me, his eyes barely visible under his bangs.

I knew what he was asking, and I knew I was going to hell if I gave him the answer he wanted. I didn’t care. I couldn’t speak, but I found myself nodding anyway.

His hand reached out and covered mine. “We do this, we cross that line… I don’t know if we can go back.”

“Who wants to go back?” I asked, smirking a little. 

To my relief, Carrick gave a little smile of his own, leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine. It was too gentle, too little. I needed so much more. I grasped his shirt tightly in my fist and pulled him onto the couch with me. Our legs tangled together, our tongues fought for dominance and I was in heaven. I tangled my hands in his hair and moaned shamelessly against his mouth. When Carrick nipped at my bottom lip, my hips rolled up against his almost as a reflex.

Carrick pulled back and smirked. “You sure you’re not just horny?”

“Well… there is that, too.” I grinned.  
Carrick rolled his eyes, then leaned down and kissed my neck. “There’s no hurry, you know. I don’t want you to feel like you’ve gotta prove anything.”

“Prove anything? Like what?”

His lips trailed up and down my neck and jawline. “That we’re on the same level or whatever. I’m just saying, experience isn’t everything. I told you I’d show you the ropes, didn’t I?”

“Well, maybe I need… a few reminders…” I moaned out. 

Carrick paused and stared down at me, and I knew I’d said too much. Or rather, I’d said too little before, when I’d apparently drunkenly tried to come out to my best friend. 

Grinning sheepishly, I admitted, “I may not have been entirely honest before… with whatever I told you about being curious…”

“Oh,” Carrick said, blinking rapidly. His brow furrowed and his smile fell as I supposed realization dawned on him. “So you’ve…”

“I mean, it was just teenage stuff. Just fooling around.” And really, that’s all it was. It wasn’t like I’d gone all the way or even had a boyfriend. I was pretty damn sure I was bisexual, but it was still mostly hypothetical and something I’d decided to leave to fantasy when I proposed to Kate.

Carrick pulled back further. “Like what?”

“Jeez, you need my entire sexual history here or what?” I asked, feeling myself blushing. “Just like, you know, making out, hand jobs… blow job or two…”

“Well, considering I thought you were straight until recently...” Carrick sat up. “Yeah, I think it would have been nice to know.”

Was this really upsetting him? I didn’t understand. So it had been a lie of omission, but I hadn’t told _anyone_ \--not even Kate. Telling Carrick… sure, he would have accepted me, but I knew it wouldn’t have stopped there. Once the floodgates had opened, I wouldn’t have been able to shut them again. He wouldn’t have just known I was bi, he would have known how much I wanted him, too. 

Although… it seemed he wanted me as well. So maybe I had kept quiet for a stupid reason. All I knew was that it was apparently going to take some groveling to make up for it.

“I didn’t… I didn’t think it mattered,” I replied. “I mean, it’s not like I go around telling people, you know? It just… it is what it is. And all of that was years ago. I didn’t think it would ever be a part of my life again, at least not outside of my fantasies.”  
Carrick eyed me, as if trying to decide if that explanation made sense. It was the truth, at least. After a moment, he let out a sigh.

“Yeah… okay. It’s just, we’re supposed to be best friends. Just figured something like that would come up.”

“I’m… I’m sorry,” I said, knowing I couldn’t avoid those two words any longer. “I didn’t realize it would bother you. I just… I haven’t told anybody. I didn’t see why it was anyone’s business, but I guess it kinda is yours now.”

“It’s okay,” Carrick replied, his hand reaching out to brush my cheek as he leaned in and kissed me.

I kissed him back just as deeply, knowing we were still on thin ice but not really caring. Now that I was sure he wanted me, too, I didn’t want to let him go… ever. 

After a moment, he pulled back and kissed my jawline. Chuckling softly, he asked, “So… read any good fics lately?”


	4. Chapter 4

_**Carrick** _

Zac Hanson was going to be the death of me. There had always been a kind of unspoken tension between us, but I didn't think he'd ever act on it, and I wasn't lying about not being into married guys. Still, to say I'd never thought of it would be bull. Even before I’d started reading about us, I'd been able to appreciate how attractive he was.

I wasn't in love with him, though. He had his issues, that was for damn sure. He could be an ass sometimes, and he had a bad habit of forgetting that other people mattered. He wasn't a jerk on purpose, though, so I usually put up with the bullshit. A couple of times I’d had to walk away before one of us got punched, but I always came back. Part of me hated that he knew I would. 

It’s hard to call someone a narcissist when you tend to prove them right.

But now things were changing, and I didn't know if I liked it. I’d always put up with him because he'd been my best friend since we'd first met. If that changed, if feelings grew too deep, I didn't know if I'd have the same patience. 

I could have told him no. Maybe I should have. But if he and Kate really were splitting up, and I had a chance to find out where things could go… 

I wasn’t in love with him, but sometimes it felt more like a conscious choice. Why fall for someone you can't have? Now that it seemed like I could, curiosity, as well as whatever feelings I _did_ have for him (I’d never stopped to analyze them) were taking over.

Breaking up with my girlfriend wasn't all that difficult, which kind of hurt. I’d expected her to be upset, maybe not cry, but at least act like I was hurting her. Not that I wanted to hurt her. I just wanted to feel like I mattered. But she took it calmly, almost like she'd been expecting it. Sure, we hadn't been together that long, but six months isn't nothing, either. Still, it was probably for the best that it went so smoothly. I just hoped Zac ended up being worth it.

After I got off the phone, I really wanted to talk to him about it. I looked around backstage, but he wasn’t there, so I thought I would check the bus. Tay was sitting at the table, on his laptop as usual, but I walked past him to the lounge, sure Zac would be playing one of his games. No luck, though, and he wasn’t in his bunk either. Reluctantly, I headed back into the kitchen area.

“Hey Tay, you seen Zac around?”

“What?” he said, looking up like I’d startled him. “Oh. Zac. He…” Tay closed his laptop and chewed his lip, leaning his head back. “I think he said him and Andrew were going out for lunch? I forget where, though. Sorry.”

“It’s no big deal.” There wasn’t any hurry. I would see him later, before our shows, and it wasn’t a time-sensitive conversation, anyway. I grabbed a soda out of the fridge and sat down across from Tay. “So what’s up?”

“Oh, not much,” Tay said, sipping on a nearly-empty Starbucks drink. “Just doing some stuff online. Hey, how’s Liz?”

I almost coughed out my drink at the mention of my now-ex girlfriend. He tilted his head at me, and I shrugged my shoulders and looked away.

“We’re not… We split up. About an hour ago,” I added with a snort.

“Oh… I’m sorry, dude. What happened?”

“We, uh…” I shifted in my seat, scrambling for an excuse. I didn’t want to bad-talk her, but I didn’t want to admit the truth to Tay yet, either. I didn’t even know what Zac and I were yet; there was no way I could explain it to anyone else. “Just wasn’t working out,” I finally offered. It was lame as hell, but it was all I had.

“That sucks. But hey, I’m sure you’ll find someone else,” he said, smiling. “I’m sure plenty of our fans would love to apply.”

We both laughed about that for a moment. Part of me wanted to tell him I already had someone else, but again, I didn’t know how accurate that was. I settled on a noncommittal shrug.

“We could hit the bar tomorrow night if you want. See what we can find for you.” Tay wiggled his eyebrows at me, and I chuckled, but shook my head.

“Nah, you know me. I’ll probably end up hanging out in the back with Zac all night.” I faltered for a second, but there wasn’t anything unusual about what I’d said, as far as I could tell. Still, Tay blinked, and his cheeks turned a bit pink. Suddenly I remembered what had happened the day we left Tulsa.

“Right…” he said, looking away. 

“Tay, you know…” I paused, trying to choose my words. “The other day, we… it wasn’t what it looked like. You just… came in at the wrong moment.”

“Yeah, I… I know.” He nodded, but didn’t look all that convinced. “I mean, Zac’s straight. So it’s not like…” He looked away, still blushing and biting his lip. So I was the only person he’d told, or at least he hadn’t told Tay. As his friend, it was my job to keep his secrets. But depending on what happened between us, I wondered how long it’d stay a secret.

“Right.” We fell into an awkward silence for a few minutes. Tay opened up his laptop again, barely giving me another look; I finished my soda and tossed the can in the trash. “Okay, well when you see Zac, just…” I trailed off, realizing that I had no clue how to finish that sentence without looking desperate. But Taylor wasn’t listening anyway, already lost in whatever he was doing. I decided to head back to the lounge and blow stuff up for a while.

It was almost two hours later when Zac knocked on the door to the lounge and poked his head in, calling my name. I paused my game and set the controller aside.

“Yeah?”

“Um… hey,” Zac said as he stepped into the room, hands in his pockets. “Thought I'd find you back here. “

“Yeah, well… I was looking for you earlier. Figured you'd show up here eventually.” I gave him a smile to show I wasn’t upset. He flopped down next to me, close but not too close.

“Well I'm here now.”

“Yep.” I looked him up and down briefly, then looked away, clearing my throat. “I, uh… I talked to Liz.”

He gave me a blank stare - I couldn’t tell whether he didn’t know why I was telling him, or didn’t remember who Liz was. Honestly, the latter wouldn’t have surprised me.

“Oh…” he said as realization dawned. “Oh, you did?”

“Mhm. We…” I paused, giving a slight sigh. “Well, I had to break up with her. She took it okay though. Almost too well,” I added with a sad snort. I glanced at Zac, who was frowning and looking almost guilty.

“But it’s okay,” I went on, trying to smile. “For the best, right?” I let my hand fall to the couch, halfway between us. 

“Yeah… Yeah, I guess so.” He glanced down, and for a moment I thought he was going to put his hand on mine. But after a couple seconds it was clear he wasn’t going to move, so I pulled my hand back. 

“So, how are things going? With Kate I mean.”

“We haven’t…” Zac looked down, his hair hiding his eyes. I wished he could look me in the eye, but with such a sensitive subject, I could let it slide. “We haven’t really talked again. I don’t really know what’s happening but it’s… it’s not good.”

“I’m sorry,” I said softly, then snorted. “Well, I _should_ be, anyway.” I gave a guilty smirk; as bad as I should have felt for his soon-to-be-ex, it was pretty difficult in light of our new… whatever it was between us.

“Yeah, well, I guess I should say the same about… What was her name, Liz?”

“Zac,” I sighed. “I know it’s easier to break up with a girlfriend than… Well I’m just saying, I know it’s gonna take some time. So if you wanna take things slow… That’s probably what we should do anyway, but I mean…” I huffed, frustrated at myself for not being able to voice my thoughts.

“But it’s not… it’s not what you want to do?” he offered, a hopeful smile on his lips. Damn him for being so adorable. He scooted a little closer and I eyed him, trying not to smirk. “I mean, I don’t know what… what to call or how to explain what’s happening here, but…can we just see how things go? And not label it or anything yet?”

There was sense to his words. It wasn’t like we could tell the world or anything anyway.

“I guess that makes sense,” I said, nodding slowly. I looked out at him, reached out to touch his hand. “Just wanna make sure I know where I stand, I guess. But… yeah. Okay.” I smiled as Zac fumbled to take my hand in his; he was trying, at least, which was as surprising as it was endearing.

“It just feels a little… wrong… to say I’ve got a boyfriend, while I’m still technically married.”

I closed my eyes for a quick moment, the word hitting me deep. “Yeah, I know. And you have to understand, there’s some stuff I just can’t… I just won’t feel right doing, while you’re still married. It’s not that I don’t want to, I just…” I sighed, looking away. “I already feel like a homewrecker as it is. A guy’s gotta draw the line somewhere.”

“I… I guess I understand that. As long as we’re together at all, I’m happy. Not that I don’t want… other stuff, too,” he added with a sheepish grin. 

“So we are then?” I asked. “Together?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, biting his lip. “Yeah, I guess we are.”

I looked down, trying not to grin like a lovesick idiot. After denying having any feelings for him for so long, to know they were not only okay to have, but also returned… it was taking some getting used to.

"So," Zac said, creeping closer. "If we're together, then... this is okay?" He leaned in and brushed his lips against mine; I hesitated to kiss him back, wondering if he really understood my reservations. But he was here now, with me. Why not enjoy it? As soon as I kissed him back he tangled his hands in my hair, pulling me closer. 

“So that line you were talking about?” Zac asked, pulling back and running a hand down my chest.

“Yeah?”

“Just trying to find it,” he answered, before grabbing my belt loops and falling back, pulling me onto him. I laughed for a second and shook my head.

“Don’t worry, I’ll let you know.” I let my eyes wander for a moment before finding the perfect spot on his neck, then leaned down and sank my teeth in.

“That’s what I was hoping,” he panted between whimpers. I pulled back just enough to plant a line of kisses along his neck and jaw. When I caught his eyes, I felt emotions bubbling up that were more than just lust. Whether Zac didn’t see it or just ignored it, I wasn’t sure. He grabbed my hips and ground his against mine, silently begging. I let out a breath, then leaned my forehead against his.

“Zac…”

“Y-yeah?” he breathed. I rolled to my side, squeezing between him and the back of the couch.

“Not that I’m not enjoying this, but…”

“But?” he echoed, pouting.

“Hey, none of that” I said, poking his lower lip. He snapped at it, grinning, and I rolled my eyes. “I just mean it doesn’t have to be just _this_.” I rocked my hips against him, just enough for emphasis, then looked back up at him. “You do know that, right?”

“I know…” he said softly, and I swore I saw his cheeks turn a shade of pink. “So maybe I’m just trying to make up for lost time.”

“Yeah. I know.” I thought about our past, and wondered how many opportunities we’d missed, how many chances we’d overlooked to have each other. Granted, he’d already been married when we met, but… still. His soft snort got my attention, and I looked at him.

“But maybe doing all of that on the bus isn’t such a good idea anyway…”

“Tay’s already suspicious, after the other day,” I told him. Zac fell back against the couch and groaned, and I had to laugh.

“Oh god. There are probably worse people to walk in on us, though.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “So we play it cool. And we lock the door. Although…” I moved closer, a wicked thought crossing my mind. “The idea of getting caught… kinda makes it hotter, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah… yeah it does.” The way Zac shivered spurred me on; he’d earned a little teasing. 

“Knowing anyone could walk in?” I whispered in his ear.

“Mhm…”

“Being bad feels pretty good, doesn’t it?” I nipped at his earlobe, and moved the hand on his knee up to his thigh. He whimpered and nodded, and again when I squeezed his thigh. “You’ve never been that good at behaving though. Have you?”

“Understatement of the year.”

“I think that’s kinda what drew me to you, to be honest.”

“Is that so?” He asked, smirking up at me. I shrugged, kissing his neck.

“Guess I’m just a sucker for bad boys.”

“Lucky me,” he half-spoke, half-moaned, his back arching. I let my hand wander even further, just barely ghosting over the tent in his jeans.

“And then there’s all those stories…”

“Carrick,” he whined, his eyes fluttering shut.

“You know you’re a little fucked up, right?” I chuckled, continuing my torture.

“Just… just a little?” His hips bucked up slightly, but I moved my hand out of reach, giving his neck another bite. 

“You should’ve told me, Zac. All those years…” I was definitely getting a kick out of teasing him, loving every whimper and squirm. But he was losing patience quickly; he grabbed my wrist and placed my hand exactly where he wanted it.

“Can we talk about that later? Or never?”

Something in me snapped, that hint of a dominant side flaring up. It was just like Zac, really, focusing on his own needs regardless of any connected emotions, his or otherwise. I snarled a little despite myself and snatched my hand back.

“You still think it’s all about you, don’t you.” I looked him up and down, thinking, then grabbed one of his wrists. “One of these days, someone’s gonna fix that.”

“You think so?” He tried giving me the puppy-eyed pout, but his eyes were dark and his breathing hitched. I arched an eyebrow, giving his wrist a tiny squeeze; he whimpered, but the hint of a grin told me what I needed to know. I kissed him hard, grabbing his other wrist. He struggled half-heartedly, but kissed me back deeply.

“Uh-uh,” I said, squeezing his wrists again. “You’re not going anywhere.”

“Wasn’t planning on it,” he shot back, grinning. 

“Hmm… what to do to you…” I looked him up and down, licking my lips. I really wasn’t _that_ used to taking the dominant role, but then I’d never really been with anyone so willing to submit. Which was funny, considering how selfish and non-submissive Zac usually was. Maybe we just brought it out of each other. I decided to take both his wrists in one hand and pin them above his head, then ran my other hand slowly down his chest.

“Whatever you want,” he said, staring up at me with undeniable need.

“Whatever I want, huh? That’s a first,” I joked. But he nodded, biting his lip, his expression turning suddenly serious.

“Whatever you want.”

His tone was so sincere, so uncharacteristically honest, that it took me by surprise. But there were more… pressing needs at hand, so I smirked and leaned over him. “What I want, is for you to touch me.” I let go of his wrists and sat up, watching for his reaction. He blinked, surprised at the turn of events. But a moment later he was straddling my thighs, running a hand down my chest.

“Touch you, hm? Like this?”

“It’s a start…”

“Or like this…” He ran a finger along the edge of my waistband, and a shiver ran through me. He cupped the bulge in my jeans and squeezed gently, making me moan. “Maybe more like this?” 

“Fuck…”

“Or… this.” He popped the button on my jeans and slid his hand in, gripping me through the thin cotton of my boxer briefs, and my hips bucked up in response. I supposed I’d earned this, but I could still make him pay.

“Goddamn it, Zac…” I gripped a handful of his hair and pulled him close, kissing him hard. He moaned against my mouth as he curled his fingers around my dick, still outside the boxers, and began to stroke. I reached between his legs, squeezing him through his jeans.

“Fuck, Carrick…”

I bit at his lip, getting my hands into his jeans and stroking him. For all I’d said about lines, I needed him, and he needed me. He laid his head on my shoulder, rocking his hips against me while trying to keep a rhythm with his hand. I needed more, though, so I pushed his jeans down his hips and pulled him into my lap, grinding our hips together. He moaned loudly as I kissed his neck; he was shaking, but trying so hard to please me.

I grabbed his wrists again and pinned them behind his back, pushing him back and into the couch as I rocked our hips together.

“Fuck, Carrick… Got me so close already…”

“Me too,” I agreed, kissing his neck. “God, Zac…” I pulled back just enough to tug my own jeans down, then leaned against him again, making him gasp. We moved frantically, desperate for release. “You gonna come for me, Zac?” I growled in his ear.

“Mhm… Soon… real soon.”

“You didn’t lock the door, did you…” I teased. I should have cared, but I was too far gone at that point. Zac gave a sheepish grin.

“Nope.”

“Tsk, tsk… Such a bad boy. Anyone could walk in and see you, see us, like this…” I ground against him harder and his head fell back as he moaned. It still wasn’t enough, though; I grabbed one of his legs and lifted it, positioning myself against his ass, our boxers the only thing separating us.

“Carrick!” he gasped. “I’m…”

“You want it, Zac?” I asked, biting his neck again. “You want this?” I pushed against him, the need almost painful. He nodded, whimpering, and I leaned over to whisper in his ear, as gently as I could. 

“Come for me, Zac.”

“Oh, god…” His whole body trembled as he hit his release, and I followed a moment after, my head swimming and my vision going white.

We stayed like that for a while, I couldn’t possibly say how long, drawing heaving breaths as our heart rates returned to normal. Eventually I dared to look at him, only to see that he was grinning.

“I think we made a mess,” he chuckled. 

I laughed, leaning my head on his shoulder and taking another breath. “You really are a little fucked up, aren’t you?”

“Mm, and what does that make you?”

I rolled my eyes, mostly because I had no clue how to answer. What _did_ that make me? Dry-humping my best friend, who also happened to be married, into the sofa? I looked at him, leaning forward and kissing him gently. While it didn’t make me any less conflicted, it was comforting to know he was by my side… however fucked up we both were.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Zac** _

“Someone’s coming in early on that bridge,” Isaac said, his voice dripping with judgment. The song we had been rehearsing came to an abrupt stop at his words.

I sighed and tossed down my drumsticks. Things had gone well on this tour, which I think was a surprise to all of us. It was no secret that we had barely managed to finish the album because, for one reason or another, we always seemed to be at each other’s throats. Rarely did our fights happen for a good reason, but after so many of them one right after another, the reason why didn’t matter. When we had just barely patched things up, going out on the road seemed insane, but it had been smooth enough sailing… so far.

“Well, can you blame us when the drums are lagging way behind?” Taylor replied.

My head snapped up and I glared at him. “How would you even know? You’re too busy dry humping your keyboard to notice whether you’re even playing the same song as the rest of us.”

Taylor’s eyes widened, his hand on his hip and his mouth hanging open dumbly. No words came out, probably because he hadn’t expected me to snap like that. 

Truthfully, I hadn’t expected me to, either. I had been on edge for days, though, something that I could only attribute to how hard it was to find any private time with Carrick and the fact that, even when we did manage to steal a few moments together, we barely did more than make out like horny little teenagers too scared to go all the way. I couldn’t blame Carrick for my problems, of course, but all that sexual tension was definitely taking its toll.

“Okay,” Isaac said, drawing the word out. “I don’t think any of us need _that_ mental image floating around in our brains. So why don’t we just give the song one more try and maybe we can all attempt to not suck at it this time?”

“Sure,” Taylor replied. “If Zac admits he’s the one who keeps fucking up the song.”

“I’ll admit that when you admit you have some kind of strange piano fetish. Seriously, Taylor. It’s getting obscene.”

Isaac heaved a sigh and sat his guitar down. “Alright, let’s just take a break for the day. How about that? We’ve run through every other song, so we’ll just have to wing it on Tragic Symphony and hope no one notices how much it sucks.”

“Sounds great to me,” I replied, standing up. “I’ve had about enough of you all for today anyway.”

“Yeah, go run off to your boyfriend,” Taylor said, his voice low enough that no one else seemed to catch what he had said. But I did. 

I glared at Taylor, and the look on his face was so fucking smug. He knew I couldn’t respond. If I did, it would be as good as admitting that Carrick _was_ my boyfriend, a fact that I was sure Taylor didn’t know. It wasn’t the first time someone had joked about how close the two of us were, and usually it didn’t bother me. But now that it was true, it needed to stay a secret and not be the subject of stupid jokes. 

Of course, there was no way Taylor knew it was true. He just wanted to get under my skin any way that he possibly could. At least, that was what I tried to tell myself as I stormed off.

I ignored everyone I passed as made my way through the venue. A good run was what I needed to clear my mind, I decided. I stopped by the green room to grab a hoodie; even though it was really too warm, I pulled the hood up in hopes that no fans lingering near the venue would notice that the guy jogging by was me. I slipped out the back of the venue unnoticed and set off down the street, hoping this would ease my mind some.

I couldn’t really say why I was so upset or why I had snapped so easily. Soundcheck was always stressful; we all wanted to sound perfect and when we didn’t, we took it out on each other. It wasn’t fair, but it was just us. So why did Taylor, and especially his comment about my _boyfriend_ , get under my skin so much this time?

The obvious answer was because Carrick really was my boyfriend now. It might have been secret and more than a little bit wrong, but I thought it was safe to say--at least to myself--that he held that title. We were dating. I was cheating on my wife with a man.

I wasn’t proud of that, though. Sure, our marriage wasn’t perfect, but did Kate really deserve that? Did anyone? I supposed it wasn’t up to me to judge everyone and why they cheated. The only person I could judge was myself, and if I were completely honest… I didn’t really like myself very much. 

Would that stop me, though? If I were a halfway decent person, it would. Neither Kate nor Carrick deserved the way I was half-assing our relationships. Deep down, I knew that. But I also knew that I couldn’t imagine losing either of them. 

In the end, I supposed I had snapped not because I was upset with my brothers, but upset with myself. Because even though I could see myself making mistake after mistake, I knew I would just keep making more.

With that thought in mind, I pushed myself to run as long and hard as possible, until I wasn’t even sure I could find my way back to the venue again. I tried to retrace my steps as quickly as possible, and by the time I finally did make it back, Carrick was already on stage for his soundcheck. A part of me wanted to stop and watch, but it occurred to me that I hadn’t called Kate for a few days. It wouldn’t fix everything to have a quick conversation with her, but it would ease my guilty conscience just enough to get me through the day.  
Thankfully, the green room was empty. I stripped off my hoodie and dug my phone from my pocket. Kate’s name was still at the top of the recent calls list, because practically everyone else I ever called was on tour with me. I clicked on her name and flopped down onto the couch as I waited for her to answer.

The ringer droned on and on in my ear until finally her voicemail picked up. I didn’t bother leaving a message. What would I say anyway, besides some stupid platitudes about how much I missed her and needed to hear her voice? Both things were true, in their own way, but Kate knew all of that without me saying it. 

At least, I thought she did. I also thought she always answered her phone when I called, but she had just proven that wrong. Sure, she might have been busy with the kids, but something about it all just felt off. It sent a strange tingle up my spine, the kind you feel when you know something bad is happening or about to happen, but you have no clue what. All you’re left with is that odd feeling that your world just went a little bit off course.

Maybe I was being overly dramatic because nothing seemed to be going my way that day. But maybe I wasn’t. Either way, I had a concert to do and no time to sit around feeling sorry for myself.

****

_Taylor’s head slammed against the shower wall with a resounding thud. There was no way that everyone else on the bus hadn’t heard that, he thought to himself. And if that sound hadn’t reached their ears, then surely Taylor’s moans had._

_But how could he help but moan when Zac’s rock hard dick was pressed against his ass? It was simply impossible. Zac was teasing him, rubbing against him but not giving Taylor what he wanted. It was torture, and it made Taylor’s moans turn to pathetic whines. He wasn’t proud of it, but he had never been able to deny how badly he wanted Zac._

_Finally, when Taylor thought he could take no more, Zac pushed in, inch by inch. He wasn’t gentle, because he never was, but he wasn’t needlessly rough, either. It was just the way Taylor needed it, and Taylor was sure that Zac knew that. Taylor could say plenty of harsh things about Zac, all of them true, but he couldn’t deny that Zac always gave him what he needed._

_And what he needed right then was to be pounded into the wall._

_His palms were white against the tile, his legs trembling too much for him to dare lower a hand, no matter how much his dick was begging for relief. But Zac knew. Zac always knew. Zac’s hand snaked around and wrapped around Taylor’s dick, matching the relentless pace of his thrusts. Both were moaning now, and Taylor was far past caring if every single person on the bus was listening._

_His orgasm came on hard and fast, and he was far past caring about that, too. Taylor didn’t care how pathetic he looked, whimpering as his come splattered against the pale green tile. Zac let out a throaty chuckle, and Taylor wanted to be angry, but his blissed-out, post-orgasm body had other ideas. He let his head fall against the cold tile as Zac continued to thrust into him, his pace slowing and his thrusts deepening as his own orgasm approached. Taylor knew all the signs. Sure enough, only seconds later, Zac had gone completely still, his fingernails digging into Taylor’s hip as he filled Taylor with his own load._

_When Zac finally pulled away, Taylor’s knees buckled. But Zac was there to catch him, one strong arm wrapping around Taylor’s waist. He chuckled again and pressed a surprisingly gentle kiss to Taylor’s cheek._

_Taylor tried to speak, but no words would come. He watched the evidence of their encounter wash down the drain as Zac wordlessly climbed out of the shower and towelled himself dry. He was still putting on a show for Taylor, and Taylor could do nothing but watch. The spell was only broken when Zac slipped out the door, leaving Taylor to wonder if it had all been nothing but a figment of his imagination._

****

I knew I would just need another shower after the concert, but a scalding hot shower seemed like just the thing to wash away my problems. The bus shower was cramped and didn’t offer all that much hot water, but it was still better than nothing. 

As I watched the shampoo suds go down the drain, I felt that familiar tingle go up my spine. My dick stiffened, seeming to have a mind of its own, and I realized I didn’t have much choice but to deal with that little problem. It was just another form of stress relief, I supposed, and began to stroke myself quickly, while I still had at least a little hot water left.

My eyes fell shut and I leaned back against the shower wall. Hadn’t I read something like this recently, something with Taylor and just a few surprisingly accurate details? Then again, I was sure tons of busses had green tile. It was just a coincidence, I was sure, but the fic was hot. As I stroked myself the rest of the way to a surprisingly powerful orgasm, images flashed through my mind, some Taylor, some Carrick and all of them hot.

I didn’t bother putting on anything more than a pair of boxers before walking out of the bathroom. With my towel slung over my shoulder, I headed to my bunk to find something to wear for the concert. I had just begun to dig around in my duffel bag when I felt a hand on my hip.

“Hey,” Carrick said.

I relaxed when I realized it was him, but who else could it have been? “Well, hey there.”  
He planted a soft kiss to my neck. “Heard you had a little spat with the diva.”

I shrugged, and spun around to face him. “Just another day that ends in y, I guess. Shouldn’t be surprised he’s running around whining about it, either.”

“Oh, he told me all about it,” Carrick replied, walking toward the back lounge of the bus. “Said you accused him of humping his piano?”

“Is it really an accusation if it’s true?” I asked, following closely behind him.

“Not really,” he replied with a snort. He closed and locked the door behind us, which I hoped was a good sign. So what if I had just gotten off in the shower? “Didn’t think you’d be the one to complain about it, though.”

“Well, when he’s too busy trying to impregnate an inanimate object to play the song correctly…” I flopped down on the couch, and shook my head as though that could clear the angry, frustrated thoughts away. “Anyway, doesn’t matter. He’ll get over it by tomorrow or he’ll find something else to whine about. All that matters now is that I’m here… and you’re here…”

“So it seems…” Carrick replied, his eyes trailing up and down my body. He took a few slow steps toward me, then finally sat down next to me, our legs touching, and put an arm over my shoulder. 

“We’ve still got a while before the show,” I said, grinning at him in hopes that he would get my meaning. “Might as well make the most of it…”

Carrick chuckled, which wasn’t at all the sort of response I was going for. With a shake of his head, as though he couldn’t believe me at all, he leaned down and pressed his lips to mine. One hand found its way into my hair, and I couldn’t resist grabbing a fistful of his shirt and pulling him closer. Just a little bit of Carrick wasn’t enough. Now that I’d had a taste, it would never be enough.

To my dismay, Carrick pulled back and placed a hand on my chest. In between soft kisses to my neck, he said, “Easy, tiger. We’ve got time.”

“Do we?” I breathed out, letting my head fall back. 

“Mhm…” Carrick replied, his lips moving down to my shoulders, then my chest. All the while, his eyes were trained on mine.

“Aww, now don’t act like you don’t want me,” I replied, trying to give him my best puppy dog eyes. My lips betrayed me, turning up into a smirk. Of course he wanted me, possibly almost as much as I wanted him. 

“Shut up,” Carrick said, rolling his eyes. Before I could respond, he leaned down and clamped his teeth down on my nipple--not enough to _really_ hurt, but enough that anyone else would have heeded the warning.

“Hey!” I yelped. “That’s kinda kinky.”

“You complaining?” Carrick raised an eyebrow. He leaned down again, and this time didn’t just bite down, but tugged a little.

I shook my head. “Nope. Not a bit.”

Carrick moved to the other side, his hands dancing up and down my sides teasingly as he gave both of my nipples equal attention. In between, he said, “Doesn’t have to always be hard and fast. Slow can be fun, too, you know.”

“Well, that may be true,” I replied, chuckling softly, “but one of us is due on stage pretty soon, and I don’t think anyone would be happy to find out the opening act is late for his set because he’s too busy fucking the headliner.”

“Zac…” Carrick said, pulling back and sighing. 

“What?” I blinked at him. That hadn’t been the reaction I wanted at all. I didn’t want him to stop; I wanted him to speed up. But I shouldn’t have been surprised, since the theme of the day seemed to be nothing going my way.

Carrick looked away and ran a hand through his hair. “Nothing.”

I knew it wasn’t nothing. The fact was practically a giant neon sign flashing over his head, telling me that I needed to do something to make amends. But how could I do that when I wasn’t even sure what I had done wrong? Simple; make a joke.

“Just put my foot in my mouth again, didn’t I? God knows there are better things I could be putting there…”

He groaned, but seconds later a laugh followed. “You’re impossible, you know that?”

“Hmm, seems like I’ve heard that before,” I replied.

“Wonder where,” Carrick replied, his head down. He picked at a spot on his jeans for a moment, then asked. “Any news?”

It took me a moment to realize he was asking about Kate. When that dawned on me, I sighed. “No. The exact opposite of news, in fact.”  
Carrick stiffened and raised an eyebrow. “Meaning?”

“She just…” I trailed off, waving my hands dismissively. “She didn’t even answer my call. And hasn’t called back, either. It’s not like her.”

“Oh, okay,” he replied, relaxing a bit. “I mean, that sucks. Maybe she was just busy with the kids? Or maybe… a lawyer?”

“I guess…” I was going to hell for lying to him. I knew it. But I had already dug myself into too deep to try to get out. “I mean, I don’t know. It probably doesn’t mean anything. She’ll call back, I’m sure.”

“Oh… yeah. I’m sure she will, too.” Carrick took my hand in his. “I know this must be really rough on you. And fighting with your brothers can’t be helping. So, I’m glad I can be here for you. You know you can always come to me when they get on your case.”

“It’s fine.” I shrugged, not meeting Carrick’s eyes. If I didn’t look at him, it was a little easier to lie. “I mean, it is what it is, you know? Anyway, I don’t really wanna talk about that. Kinda killing the mood.”

“Zac…” He sighed. “Okay… that’s fine, I guess.”

He punctuated the statement with a kiss, but I could tell that his heart wasn’t really in it. Truthfully, mine wasn’t either, even though I kissed him back. Surely he could see through my lies. It would only be a matter of time before he realized that I had exaggerated how badly things were going with Kate. And if I explained why I had done it… well, I didn’t think that would help my case, either.

“You know, I locked the door this time…” Carrick mumbled, kissing a trail down my neck.

“Mhm… you suggesting something?”

“Maybe,” he replied, with a smirk. He trailed a finger down my chest, letting it fall away just before reaching my boxers. “I dunno, though. You just got clean. It’d be a shame if you got all dirty again.”

I pouted, but truthfully I was relieved that he was giving me an out. Something like guilt was creeping up on me, and I didn’t like it. “Well, there’s always after the show. Get out… all that leftover adrenaline…”

“We’ll see,” Carrick replied, chuckling. He gave me a quick kiss, then sat up and asked, “Hey, Zac.... feel like getting something to eat?”

“Is that a euphemism?” I asked, only partially joking. 

Carrick rolled his eyes as he stood up and offered me a hand. “No, you ass. It’s an invite. You know… a date.”

“Oh,” I replied. To my own surprise, I felt my cheeks heating up. Had Carrick really made me blush? I couldn’t remember the last time _anything_ had done that. “I… yeah. Yeah, let’s do it. Let’s go on a date.”

Carrick pulled me to my feet and pressed his lips gently to mine. I kissed him back, and this time I didn’t feel so guilty for it.


	6. Chapter 6

**_Carrick_ **

No one batted an eye when Zac and I offered to share a room for the first hotel stop of the tour. They’d probably expected it, really; it wasn’t our first time, not by a long-shot. But now, with everything going on between us, it carried a different, heavier weight. If anyone suspected anything going on between us, no one mentioned it. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that, but it was probably for the best.

Hotel stays are actually pretty rare on Hanson tours, with their unrelenting schedule, so my first stop was always the shower. Tour bus bathrooms aren’t the most comfortable for someone pushing six foot five. Even a lot of hotels aren’t much better, but thankfully this one was just about right. 

As I stood under the shower’s spray I thought about what was happening with Zac. We were putting our friendship on the line, and I still wasn’t sure I wanted to put all my money on that horse. Zac was a good friend, but he had his faults like anyone else. At least once in our past I’d had to blow him off for a while, just to prove I wouldn’t put up with his shit like everyone else. His brothers were stuck with him, at least to a point, but I could walk away at any time. If we started a relationship, though, if I let myself get in too deep… 

Still, I was cautiously optimistic. Every day, every smile, every kiss felt more and more like the real thing. He wasn’t really changing in any visible way, but I was letting him in, more and more, bit by bit. I had to trust him, because at this point, I wasn’t sure I could go back. I still had my guards up, but they weren’t going to last much longer.

As I toweled off, I could hear Zac speaking to someone. I paused, putting my ear to the door; it wasn’t that I wanted to eavesdrop, but I was curious who’d be calling him so late at night.

“But Katie… I know, but… okay.”

My stomach did a small twist as I realized he was talking to his soon-to-be-ex-wife. 

“I know, me too.” He chuckled, and my brow furrowed. He sounded… happy. “Yeah, alright.”

Something felt off. I didn’t want to make any assumptions, but my gut was sending up signals. Still, I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. I cleared my throat as I opened the bathroom door, throwing him a glance as I dug through my bag for a pair of clean boxers.

As soon as he noticed me, he whispered a rushed goodbye and ended the call. He tried to look casual, but I could see the--what? Guilt? Fear? There was definitely _something_ in the way he was staring at his phone instead of at his half-naked boyfriend.

“Some good comments about last night’s show,” he said, as if he wasn’t acting weird. I slipped on my boxers and sat next to him, glancing at his phone briefly. He’d switched over to Twitter, and was in fact scrolling the band’s tag.

“Oh yeah?”

“Mhm”, he replied, finally taking notice of me and looking me up and down. “Apparently they really enjoyed you coming back out for our encore, too.”

“Yeah… feels good to have some fans of my own,” I admitted, grinning. “I know I’m not anywhere near as big as you guys, but still…” When I’d been making my solo album, there’d been times when I seriously wondered if anyone was going to care. But the outpouring of support when I’d launched the Kickstarter was a huge boost to my confidence, and at every show so far there’d been at least a few fans who knew every word. I knew I owed a lot of my success to Zac and his brothers, but it still felt great.

“Hey, you got your biggest fan right here, what more do you need?” Zac gave me a cheesy grin, and I rolled my eyes. Figures he’d bring the focus back to him. I couldn’t be too upset, though.

“Yeah, well everyone knows you’ve always been my biggest fan.” I smirked and gave him a suggestive glance; people really had been talking about us ever since that first tour; we’d awkwardly joked about it back then, but I’d tried not to dwell on it at the time. For all I’d known, Zac was completely oblivious to how much of a fanboy he’d acted like. Of course, knowing what I knew now...

“Well, I think I’ve got a few rivals here, if these tweets are anything to judge by.” Zac curled up next to me, still hanging on to his damn phone. “Have you seen some of the stuff they send you?” I chuckled and took the device from him, tossing it aside. I found myself staring it at for a second longer, that feeling of unease nagging at the back of my mind again, but I turned my attention back to Zac--to my boyfriend.

“Yeah… but they’re not who I want. Who I want to be with.” I smiled, but I had a feeling my mixed emotions were showing through. I’d always been good at putting on a front, and hiding how complicated my mind really was sometimes, but now it wasn’t so easy.

“Yeah? Who’s that?” Zac gave me a long, slow look, his lips curling suggestively. I shook my head and kissed him gently, running a hand down his arm. I really hoped he understood how deep this was getting for me, how much more than just physical it was. But the way he curled one leg around mine made me wonder.

“So, what you’re saying is… you’re my _biggest_ fan too?”

Not that the physical attraction wasn’t just as prevalent. I kissed his neck, gripping his leg and grinding against him a bit.

“You tell me.”

He slid his hand between our bodies and gripped me lightly, putting on an expression of consideration.

“Mm… Yeah, I’d say so.”

“God, Zac... “ I groaned and bit his neck, reaching down to grip him as well. We were just warming up, practically teasing each other, and I couldn’t get enough. Damn him for being so damn hot.

“Wonder what the fans would think of _this_ duet,” he half-moaned, gripping me tighter.

“Oh I’m sure they’d just eat it right up,” I chuckled, dragging my tongue up the side of Zac’s neck; he arched his back in response, pressing our hips closer together. “Wouldn’t you?”

“Like live-action porn… or fanfiction come to life…” He giggled, and even I had to laugh at the notion as I kissed my way down his neck and chest. 

“Pretty sure I’ve read at least a few scenes that started out like this…”

“Mhm, like this,” he agreed, tangling a hand in my hair. “On the bus… backstage… We have some very… creative fans,” he panted.

“You know,” I started, pausing to moan as he gripped my hair tighter, “You’re doing a lot of talking for someone who supposedly wants this.” I ground against him for emphasis. He shrugged, but suddenly he flipped me over, straddling my hips.

“So I’m a talker. That a problem?”

“Not really,” I replied, smirking and rocking my hips against him. “As long as you’re not all talk.”

“Mm, not at all…” He slid down my body then, trailing kisses as he went. My eyes widened as I watched him; this was a first for us, and possibly for him as well. He’d mentioned something about blowjobs in his half-assed confession the other day, but that could mean giving or receiving. I decided I didn’t want to know, and focused on stroking my fingers through his hair.

He nudged my boxers down and planted a few tentative kisses around the base of my dick; I realized I was panting a bit as I watched him. If I was totally honest, I’d thought about this specifically way more often than is probably healthy for a platonic friendship. Some of our more expressive fans liked to say he had a mouth made for it, and I couldn’t really disagree.

“Zac… Are you sure…” I wanted to let him know he didn’t have to do anything he didn’t want to, but I could hear the lack of conviction in my voice, and anyway he didn’t look like he had any real reservations. He nodded softly, then finally, finally wrapped his lips around me, only trembling slightly in what I hoped was anticipation. 

I couldn’t begin to describe how amazing Zac’s mouth felt. My head fell back against the pillows, a moan rising from deep in my chest. I gripped his hair a bit tighter and stared down at him as he worked his way down, slowly finding a rhythm. When he moaned I felt it, and shivered. I tried to keep still but as he picked up speed I couldn’t stop my hips from bucking slightly. I felt him grip my hip, his fingernails digging in a little, and the slight pain was just enough to bring me back at least partway out of the haze.

“Fuck, Zac,” I said with a breathless laugh. “You sure you’ve never done this before?” I’d said the words without thinking, but he just pulled back slightly and chuckled.

“I’ve done a lot of research?” he offered. I smirked and tugged his head back down, in a way more playful than forceful. He swirled his tongue around my head before diving back down, the hand on my hip falling back towards my ass. I tried to keep at least one eye open as I watched him, biting my lip almost to the point of pain.

Zac moaned again, his hand creeping a little further back, and I felt myself tensing up a bit.

“Zac…” I said carefully, not wanting to kill the mood.

“Hm?” he replied,looking up at me through his lashes. How could someone be doing something so sexual, and at the same time look so damn… pretty?

“N-nothing…” Maybe his move had been unintentional; I decided to let it go, and just enjoy the moment.

“Is it… Am I doing okay?” he asked, pulling back. I nodded, and gave him a smile.

“Yeah. Better than okay.” I reached out to touch his cheek gently. I was so far gone, in every sense, I realized. I still wasn’t sure how I felt about that, but now wasn’t the time to think about it, or anything else.

“Yeah?” He kept his eyes on me as he swirled his tongue again, his hand moving again. This time, he went as far as brushing a finger against me. So much for unintentional… I tensed up again and grabbed his wrist, not really pulling it away, but definitely holding it still.

“Hey now…” I tried to keep my tone light and teasing.

“Hm?” He pulled back, blinking. I took a deep breath, closing my eyes for a second. This was too fast, and if I didn’t stop him--and myself--now, I didn’t know if I’d be able to stop at all.

“Let’s just… take things one step at a time,” I said carefully, easing his hand away.

“Okay…” He wrapped his hand around my dick anyway, but there was an obvious disappointment to his tone. I sighed, and covered his hand with my own.

“Hey,” I said, stopping him. “Sorry. Just…” I took a deep breath and ran a hand through my hair. I wanted to keep going, but the tension was there now, hanging between us. “Maybe we should… cool off for a few.” 

Zac frowned, but pulled back and crawled up to nestle against my side. “Okay… That’s… that’s okay. Sorry?”

I shook my head as I pulled my boxers back up, then wrapped my arms around him. “Not your fault,” I told him. “Just… like I said. Certain things I don’t really feel comfortable with… yet.”

“I didn’t mean to,” he said, still frowning. “I mean, I didn’t know. I just… you know, you’ve been doing everything for me, and I wanted to… I dunno, return the favor or whatever.”

I chose not to point out that what he’d been going for was further than either of us had done, so it couldn’t really be called ‘returning the favor’.

“I know, I know. Just…” I paused, trying to choose my words carefully. “You’re still married, Zac. And yeah, I know that’s just temporary right now, but the point still stands. And until you’re not married… it just wouldn’t feel right.”

He blinked, staring blankly at me for a moment. “Oh, I… Oh. I see.” 

“I told you about that from the start, Zac. At least, I thought you understood?” It wouldn’t have surprised me if Zac’s selective hearing had skipped over that part, which was annoying, but at least he didn’t seem upset about it.

“Sorry I got a little carried away?” he said with a nervous laugh. I sighed and looked away for a moment. Sometimes I really hated his constant need to make jokes; it was his go-to defense when things got awkward.

“It’s okay. I’m not saying we have to stop everything. Just… I don’t wanna cross _that_ line. Think of it as incentive,” I added with a teasing smirk.

“Incentive?” he echoed, raising an eyebrow. I rolled my eyes and sighed in frustration; sometimes I wondered if he was all there upstairs.

“Lemme spell it out for you. You get divorced, we can have sex,” I explained, grabbing his ass and giving it a squeeze. 

His eyes widened, and he gave another nervous chuckle. “But I mean, it’s not like I can… I mean, I guess my desire to fuck a dude _would_ be an irreconcilable difference…”

“Not like you can what?” I asked, eyeing him. There was that nagging feeling again, something about his words and the way he said them sounding just a little… off. I closed my eyes and took a breath. “Sorry. Look, I don’t know how long a divorce takes in Oklahoma, so I really shouldn’t judge. But I gotta draw the line somewhere, or I’ll just end up hating myself for it.”

“And I’m not saying you can’t draw a line,” Zac replied with a deep sigh. “I just… I just need time. I mean, I can’t do a lot about it while I’m on tour, you know? But I’ll… we’ll get this sorted out.”

I looked at him, picking over his words, trying to figure out why they didn’t reassure me as much as they should have. Finally I sighed, and gave him a smile. “Alright, babe. I’m sorry for pushing. I just…” I stopped again, and stared at the ceiling. If I wanted him to be honest with me, I had to be totally honest with him. “I can’t help thinking about all the ways this could go south, ya know? Our friendship means a lot to me, and this… this could blow up in our faces so bad.”

I looked at him again. I had to remind myself that while it wasn’t _all_ about him, it wasn’t all about me, either.

“Have you thought about what you’re gonna tell the fans?”

“I haven’t really,” he said, shaking his head. “I haven’t thought that far ahead yet. Can’t we just… just enjoy this for now? We’ll figure out the future when we get there.”

And just like that, I felt myself getting frustrated with him again. I would start to get whiplash if I wasn’t so used to it. 

“That’s the thing about the future, Zac. You never _get there_. If this is what you want, if it’s really happening…” I paused, considering my words. I really didn’t want to press the issue, but despite all our talking, I still wasn’t totally convinced we were on the same page. “I’m not asking for answers right now. But I’d like to know you’re at least thinking about them, instead of just shoving them back to some imaginary day who-knows-how long from now.”

“I am thinking, Carrick,” he answered weakly. “I just, I don’t know what to tell you right now. When Kate and I - I mean, we’ll issue some kind of press release, I guess, when it happens. But it’s not like I’m going to immediately tell people I’m with you. No one would understand, not that soon. So, I don’t know. When it… when it feels right, I guess.”

His answer should have made me feel better, but instead it only raised more questions, more doubts. I took his hand in mine, gripping it lightly.

“This is what you want, right? Not just the sex, but… _this_?”

“Of course… of course it is, Carrick. You know I’m not like that, anyway. I don’t just sleep around. If I’m going to have sex with anyone, it’s someone who… who means a lot to me.”

Finally. Of all the things he’d said, it was the one thing he held back that reassured me the most. “I know. And you know I’m the same way. That’s why I was so... scared, to start this. But I’m glad we did. You… mean a lot to me, Zac. I really hope you know that.”

“You think I’m not scared too? This is all… so new to me. All of it. It’s a lot of change to handle, so I’m sorry if I don’t know what I’m doing half the time.” He was guilt tripping me now, and I should’ve been upset, but it was working, at least a little. He did have a valid point, anyway.

“You’re right… I’m sorry. I really don’t mean to push you or anything.” I leaned over to give him a gentle kiss. “Sorry I kinda killed the mood.”

“It’s okay… we’ll have other times. We’ve got the whole rest of the tour.”

I smirked as a wicked idea popped into my head. “We could always do a little… light reading?”

“Mm, good thinking,” he said, as a slow grin crept across his lips. “I read this one the other day that was freakishly accurate in their description of the green room you fucked me in.”

“Pretty sure I’d remember that,” I remarked, raising an eyebrow. He giggled, and sat up a bit.

“Get your laptop; you’re gonna love this one.”


	7. Chapter 7

**_Carrick_ **

Zac had asked me if I wanted to go on the Walk with them; I told him no offense, but no thanks. As much as I wanted to spend more time with him, the Walks were always a madhouse, and as much as I loved interacting with the fans, I wasn’t really in the mood for a moving meet-and-greet while listening to Tay preach about his noble cause. Don’t get me wrong, I liked that he felt so passionate about making a difference. But you can only say the same thing so many ways, and I had pretty much heard every variation at that point.

So instead I hung out on the bus and gamed for a while. I thought about doing some reading, especially considering the few fics Zac had pointed out the other day, but I wasn’t really in the mood for that, either. I wasn’t having a bad day exactly, but something just felt… off. I couldn’t put my finger on what--if anything--was wrong, but I felt it in the air. Maybe I was just being paranoid.

I was startled by the sound of Zac’s phone buzzing next to me; it had fallen between the couch cushions, either left there intentionally or forgotten. I dug it out, thinking maybe he was trying to find it, but scowled when I saw the name flashing on the screen--Kate. My already questionable mood soured further, and I tossed the phone aside. It kept ringing, however; as wrong as it was, I was seriously tempted to answer. But I couldn’t invade his privacy like that, and I had no idea what I would say to her anyway, so I let it ring and ring until it went to his voicemail. 

I was torn. Part of me hoped it was news, preferably good but _any_ news would’ve been an improvement. Another part of me kept thinking about the other night, and all the little things that had been nagging at the back of my mind. It did seem weird, when I stopped to think about it, that she chose that time to call. Surely she knew he would be on the Walk? If it was news, wouldn’t it be better to call when he had time off? And if not… then what?

It was almost two hours later when Zac finally came down the hallway, calling my name. I smiled as I paused my game, leaning my head to the side to see him coming.

“Carrick? You in here?”

“Yep, back here.”

“Oh, hey.” He poked his head into the lounge, but stayed standing in the doorway. “I need to grab a shower, but maybe we can grab dinner--oh, there’s my phone. I wondered where I left it.”

“Oh, yeah. Kate called.” I tried not to frown, but I could feel it replacing the smile his half-finished invitation had caused. He walked over and picked it up, scrolling through it.

“Huh… did she.” It didn’t sound like a question, and if I hadn’t known better, he almost sounded… suspicious? 

“Yep,” I answered, looking back at the tv. I saw Zac glance at me from the corner of his eye, and again there was a hint of something close to accusation in his expression. Suddenly I almost wished I _had_ answered the call.

“Well,” he said, letting the phone drop back onto the couch, “I’ll be in the shower.”

“Kay. See you in a bit, I guess.” I didn’t understand why he was acting weird, but to be fully honest, I stopped trying to understand why he did anything years ago. It was one of his most simultaneously endearing and frustrating features, but right then it was more the latter.

“You could… join me?” he added, with a hint of a smirk. 

“You know I barely fit in there on my own, right?”

“No one said you had to be standing up…” He said with a snort, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall. And just like that, he was back to being endearing. I almost wanted to hate it, ridiculous as that was. I chuckled, but shook my head.

“Just go. I did hear you mention dinner, right?”

“Well, I was just… I mean…I thought maybe we could go out. For dinner. Together. Like, I mean… a date, or whatever.” He gave a sheepish little grin, and damn it if it wasn’t adorable as fuck. 

“Yeah, that sounds good.” Whatever weirdness between us was gone, at least for the moment.

“The guys are putting together some kind of afterparty tonight and I just didn’t know, you know, if we’d get to spend much time together.”

“Yeah, date night sounds good.” I took a breath and leaned my head back. “I think we could both use it,” I added, half to myself.

“Okay… Yeah, okay. I’ll, um… I’ll just take a quick shower, and we’ll find someplace nice to go?”

I looked at him for a moment. His personality had always seemed so conflicted, split right down the middle. Oozing confidence one moment, unsure of his own words the next; playful as a five-year-old, but wiser than anyone his age has a right to be; dark and light, soft and hard. Maybe it was part of why I was drawn to him, drawn to the chaos. Sometimes I wondered how he managed to stay even as sane as he seemed to be. Maybe that’s what drew him to me--like keeping your eyes on something level to keep from spinning out of control. It was a lot of pressure, being someone else’s horizon. I hoped I could handle it.

I stood up and walked over, touched his cheek, and gave him a kiss.   
“I’ll shower _really_ fast if you promise me a few more of those afterward,” he said with a smirk. I chuckled and spun him around, and gave his ass a tap.

“Just go, you dork.”

It was a lot of pressure, but I would try, for him.

***

After the show, Zac and I were able to sneak off to a little Greek restaurant a couple blocks from the venue. It probably wasn’t what he had been expecting, but from what I’d read online, their falafel and stuffed fig leaves were supposedly worth trying. It wasn’t always easy sticking to my vegetarian diet around the Hansons, carnivores extraordinaire, so when Zac let me pick where to go, it meant more than he probably even realized. Then again, maybe he did know how much it meant.

“So I know I say this every night, but great show tonight,” I told him with a smile.

“I bet you say that to everyone you open for,” he shot back with a cheesy grin. 

I just rolled my eyes and took another bite of my pita. “This is actually really good. Sure you don’t want some?”

“No, thank you. I don’t know how you can do a tour eating rabbit food like that.”

“You’re gonna have to get used to it babe,” I chuckled. “Watch out, one of these days I might even get you to eat…” I paused to fake a gasp of shock and horror. “A salad!”

“I eat salad! The stuff we eat during Lent, you wouldn’t even touch some of it. But everyone needs a burger every now and then.”

I took a moment to think. I had said it like a joke, but if we were going to be together, he would have to get used to my eating habits, among other things. His mention of Lent brought up another territory we would have to navigate together.

“Okay, so… I have to ask. The whole ‘Lent’ thing… I guess the religious stuff in general… I mean, I’d never judge or anything, but I’ve never really been all that… into it, you know? I mean, I believe there’s definitely something bigger than us out there, but I don’t really follow any of the big ‘church-y’ guys, ya know?”

He gave me an odd stare for a moment, and I wondered if he knew what I was getting at.

“Well, I mean… it’s how I was raised, you know? Yeah, we only joined the Orthodox church a few years ago, but I like the… the ritual of it, I guess? Makes me feel like I’m doing something right, regardless of whatever other sins I’m committing, I guess.”

His answer was surprisingly telling, and I felt like I’d just gotten to know him a little better.

“Hey, I said I’d never judge. It’s not my place to tell you what to believe. I’m just saying, you always seem pretty… well, not really enthusiastic about the whole ‘Lent’ thing, amongst other things, so I was just gonna say, you don’t…” I found myself blushing for some reason, but went on regardless. “You don’t necessarily _have to_ … anymore.”

“I will take any excuse not to go vegan once a year,” he said with a slight smirk. “But seriously, it’s just… You know, I’ve always gone to church, always tried to believe and do whatever they say is right. Not that I’ve ever been very good at that part,” he added with a snort. I nodded, and reached across the table to take his hand.

“If it makes you happy, then go for it. I’d never try to keep you from something you love.” I realized as soon as the words left my mouth that they sounded like a strike against Kate, even though I hadn’t meant it that way. I shrugged, and left it up to him to take it however. 

“Never said I _loved_ the church or anything,” he replied, looking down at our hands. “It’s just, you know, one of those things you do because it’s what you’ve always done. To be honest, I think I’ve maybe… always _wanted_ and tried to believe more than I really did.

“And that’s okay, too. If you want to explore, see if you can find something you believe in without _trying_ to, I’ll be there to help. Whatever makes you happy.”

“I think…” He looked up at me and smiled, for once his emotions painted all across his face. “Yeah, I think that would be good. You know, you’re alright, Carrick.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I replied, trying not to grin too much like a lovestruck fan. “You’re al--”

I was cut off by the sound of his phone. He jumped a little and pulled it from his pocket. His smile dropped.

“Oh, it’s--um, it’s Kate. I should probably… since she called earlier…” He pushed his chair back and stood up; I blinked, then sat back in my chair. I had never exactly _hated_ Kate before, but…

“Yeah, of course.” I stared at my plate, picking at my food and stubbornly not watching him step outside.   
Two steps forward, one step back. I took a deep breath, trying not to let my mood be ruined, but my nerves were on edge. And the longer he stayed outside, the worse I felt. When he finally scurried back in, I felt physically ill.

“Um… sorry about that. Where were we?”

“So what’d she want?” I asked, ignoring his question.

“Just to check in.” He shrugged. “Let me know how the kids are doing and stuff.”

I nodded, chewing slowly. “So no news yet.”

“No, not… um, not yet. I mean, I don’t even know how much can really happen while I’m away, you know? But when I get home… maybe, um, maybe on our next break…”

“Yeah, okay,” I sighed, shaking my head. I hated how upset I was, hated that I couldn’t push away the nagging voice in the back of my head. Zac sighed, frowning, and I mentally kicked myself.

“Care, I’m sorry. I just, I don’t know what else to tell you. It’s not gonna happen overnight, but that doesn’t… Nothing changes the way I feel about you, okay?”

“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry, it’s just…” I sighed, still not looking up. “I know what you told me, and I know it’s gonna take time, it just… It doesn’t feel like anything’s really changed,” I finished, lowering my voice. “I’m still just ‘the other guy’.”

“You are so much more than that, and you know it,” he said softly. “It’s not like that, it’s never been like that. You know I don’t just--I mean, I’m not a cheater. Not like that. I don’t… I don’t take this kind of thing lightly, and I’m not taking this, between us, lightly. But I am, you know, in new territory here.”

“I know,” I said, sitting back in my seat. “And I really am trying to be patient here. But you’ve gotta look at it from my side. A guy I’m dating says he’s getting a divorce, but doesn’t show any actual progress towards it. If I was a chick, I’d be on some Lifetime movie crying about how ‘he’s going to leave his wife for me, I know he is!’ I’m trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, but you’ve gotta give me _something_ to go on. Faith can only carry so far.”

I took a long, deep breath. It was a lot to unload on him, but the analogy had been weighing on my mind for a while now, and it felt oddly good to get it out in the open. Still, the way he stared at me was less than reassuring.

“I don’t… I don’t know what else to tell you, Carrick. It just is what it is for now, and I know it doesn’t look good.”

“I know.” I looked away. How had this night crashed so hard? I knew the answer, of course, but it felt better somehow to leave it unsaid, even in my own mind. “Look, just… Just forget I said anything, okay?” I took his hand in mine again, hoping to salvage something good. “We’ll get through this.”

“Yeah, we will,” he echoed, giving my hand a gentle squeeze. “And I’m sorry. I know this isn’t really how you wanted things to be, but I’m just… I’m just glad you want me, too.”

“Of course I want you, Zac. You honestly think I’d be here, that I’d be breaking pretty much every rule I’ve set for myself to be with you, if I didn’t want you?”

“Well, no… of course not. I just hope I’m worth all the trouble, that’s all.” He gave me a weak smirk, and I wanted to kiss him right then and there.

“You are.”

“I hope so.” He smiled, blushing a little, then cleared his throat. “So, uh… should we get out of here? Head to the party?”

“Sure.”

Zac stood first and offered his hand. There were so many things we were leaving unsaid, the biggest of all seeming to loom closer and closer on the horizon. I had all but obliterated almost every line I’d drawn in the sand. As much as I wanted to let go, I still had my guards up, whatever was left of them. I could practically see him tiptoeing around the same invisible barrier; I wondered which of us would be the first to cross it. But either way, it was clear there was already no turning back.


	8. Chapter 8

**_Zac_ **

What should have been a great night wasn’t going at all how I had planned. I wanted to act like I had no idea how things had gone wrong, but that would have been a lie. It was all down to the tug of war game I was caught in—a game I had started myself. I was torn between Carrick and Kate, and I knew it was all my fault. I also knew that it wasn’t fair to either of them. That particular night, it was especially unfair to Carrick, and I knew that, too.

So it should have come as no surprise to me that as soon as we arrived at the party, we were all too easily separated. Carrick, I was sure, didn’t mind that at all. I wasn’t normally much of a drinker, but I decided that right then, my sorrows really needed to be drowned.

By the time I found a comfortable free chair in the corner, the perfect place in which to sulk, I couldn’t even remember how many drinks I’d had. All I knew was that each one was stronger than the last, and I still couldn’t get my mind off Carrick and how badly I was fucking up everything with him.

“Hey, everything okay?” A voice asked, followed by a long, tall shadow descending over me. I glanced up, and soon Taylor came into focus. Staring down at me, he remarked, “You look kinda down.”

“I’m fine.” I punctuated the statement with a big gulp of my drink, the burn of the vodka in it barely registering at all.

“Right,” Taylor said, sinking into the chair next to me and taking a sip of his own drink. “So where’s Carrick? I thought you two were joined at the hip lately.”

“He… we…” I stuttered out, before realizing that there really wasn’t that much of an accusation to his words. “I mean, I don’t know, it’s not like I’m his babysitter or anything.”

Taylor chuckled. “Relax, I was just kidding. I’m glad he was able to join us, though.”

“S’made the tour… interesting…” I remarked, my words coming out in a slurred mumble that left no doubt about my level of intoxication.

“I’m sorry about the other day,” Taylor replied, staring down into his drink. “I know I shouldn’t make jokes like that about you and him. Honestly, I’m glad you have someone, a friend, to hang out with.”

I snorted. “Yeah, well, s’not the first time someone has said something like that about us.”

“You don’t exactly help things, you know,” Taylor said, raising his head and cocking an eyebrow at me.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing, really.” He paused to take a sip of his drink. “But you know how the fans are. They take any ammo they can get, and with as close as you guys are… pretty sure they’re not short on material lately. For, you know… creative uses.”

I couldn’t help snorting again. “Trust me, I’ve seen the things they write about us.”

Taylor coughed on his drink, his eyes widening a bit. What surprised him so much about that? He had been the one to mention it, after all, and while I didn’t think my brothers indulged in fanfic the way I did, I was sure they were aware of its existence.

“What, you haven’t?” I asked. “As much time as you spend glued to your laptop, surely you’ve stumbled across a few of those stories too. Wild imaginations, our fans.”

Taylor’s face turned bright red and he sputtered. “Umm… I haven’t… I mean, that’s…”

“Some sick stuff, huh?” I remarked, but I couldn’t keep a painfully large grin from spreading across my face as I said it.

“I wouldn’t really know… I haven’t, I mean I know it’s out there, but it’s not like I _look_ for it or anything, you know?” The way Taylor squirmed in his seat, I had to wonder what sort of sick fanfic he had accidentally stumbled upon.

“Who said anything about looking for it? I’m just saying, it’s out there. So no, I’m not surprised at the stuff _anybody_ says about me and Carrick.”

Taylor downed the rest of his drink, then stared at the floor, seemingly lost in thought. “So… have you… I mean, like, read any of it?”

“Don’t tell me you’ve never gotten that bored.” I shrugged, hoping to look casual and dismissive. Was this conversation actually happening or was this an alcohol-induced hallucination?

Taylor shrugged. If I thought I sounded guilty, it was nothing compared to the way Taylor looked. But for someone with as high of a sex drive as everyone knew he had, he was always so uptight about it.

“Sorry, I forgot; you ‘try not to.’” I snorted. The fans weren’t the only ones who remembered that odd lie from Taylor during our most invasive interview ever.

He rolled his eyes. “Maybe, once or twice. Just out of curiosity, you know?”

“Right, of course. Out of curiosity.” I eyed him closely, but his face had gone almost completely neutral. He licked his lips, leaning back and seeming to get lost in thought again, but I couldn’t even begin to guess what those thoughts might have been.

A part of me was worried that I had shown Taylor too many of my cards, but there was no way he could possibly guess my dirty secret. Was there? No one would ever _actually_ suspect me of being the world’s most voracious reader of Zaylor fanfic. That would just be ridiculous, and the fact that it was true didn’t make it any less absurd.

After a few moments of awkward silence, Taylor nodded his head toward something across the room. “Looks like someone’s trying to move in on your territory…”

I followed his glance, and what I found made my blood feel like it was boiling. My vision blurred, but the picture in front of me didn’t change. Carrick was leaning casually against the bar, laughing at something some little twink had just said to him. The guy looked like a total douchebag, so skinny a stiff breeze would knock him over and sporting hair so blonde and so curly it couldn’t possibly have been natural. The fact that Carrick was not only flirting with someone else, but with someone who looked like _that_ , was enough to make me squeeze my drink so hard that what little was left of it spilled out onto my hand.

“Oh. So they are.” I slammed my cup down on the end table, not even caring about the vodka and Coke dripping down my hand. I glanced at Taylor, who was staring back at me with eyebrows raised. “If you’ll excuse me. Nice talking fanfic with you.”

I stood up and strode to the bar, grabbing another Pabst to match the one in Carrick’s hand. He didn’t even seem to notice I was near, so caught up in laughing and smiling way too damn cheerfully at whatever the douchebag had just said.

“Looks like someone needs a refill,” I said, plastering a ridiculously fake smile on my face as I held the beer out to Carrick.

“Umm… thanks.” His smile fell as he finally acknowledged my existence. He gave the guy a quick look, one that seemed to convey something I wasn’t privy to, and said, “Bryce, this is Zac.”

“Nice party, hmm? Don’t you think so, _Bryce_?” What the fuck kind of name was Bryce, anyway?

Carrick raised an eyebrow at me, then turned back to his new friend. “Umm… so, anyway. You were saying, about the drunk roadie?”

Bryce gave a nervous laugh in my general direction, then turned back to Carrick. “Yeah, so, he comes back with the cake, and—”

He hadn’t even finished a sentence, and I’d already had just about enough of him. “You gotta be careful with those roadies. So many pathetic hangers on, you know? People just trying to get close to the band…”

“I know, right?” Carrick said, his eyes narrowing. “So rude when they just butt into other people’s conversations.”

“Alright, alright,” I said, throwing my hands up in defeat and taking a few steps backward. “I know when I’m not wanted.”

Carrick rolled his eyes, but quickly adopted an apologetic look when he turned back to Bryce. “Hey, I’m sorry. But it was real nice talking to you.”

He gave Bryce an obvious once-over then, and I thought I might actually be sick. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was that I really just couldn’t stand to see Carrick flirting with anyone else. Whatever it was, I could do little more than shoot the two of them a sneer before storming off. I still wasn’t quite fast enough to miss their laughter at some little joke, probably at my expense.

I quickened my steps, and I made it all the way outside before I felt Carrick’s hand on my arm, nearly holding me in place with the strength I always forgot he had. 

“The fuck was that all about?”

“And I couldn’t ask you the same thing?” I asked, spinning around to glare at him. “Really? I mean, I was right there, Carrick, watching this guy drool all over you and you not doing a thing to stop him.”

He rolled his eyes. “Oh my god, Zac. Are you really doing this? What was I supposed to say?”

“Well, whatever you were saying was clearly giving him the wrong idea. Or maybe not. Maybe I really did interrupt something I shouldn’t have.”

“You’re one to talk about interruptions,” he replied, his eyes narrowing.

“Is that what this is all about? Giving me a dose of my own medicine?” I asked. “Look, I’m sorry, but I had to take her call, and if you don’t see the difference between that and you flirting with some wannabe groupie… he wasn’t even cute!”

“I wasn’t—” Carrick cut himself off and pinched the bridge of his nose, taking a few deep breaths. I had seen him do that move before when he was trying to calm himself down, usually because of something stupid I had said. I didn’t think I had said anything stupid this time, though. “Okay. I’m sorry. But can you blame me for appreciating a little attention?”

I stepped in closer to him. “You want attention? I can give you attention.”

Carrick glanced around, but we were all alone on the street. “You do realize your little fit isn’t helping the whole ‘pretending we’re not boyfriends’ thing, right?”

“I guess I didn’t realize that flirting with other guys was necessary to keep up that act.” Lowering my voice a bit, I added, “I mean, shit, even Taylor noticed and commented.”

“He… what?”

“He was joking, sure, but he saw you and that douchebag. Bryce. And what the fuck kind of name is _Bryce_?”

Carrick rolled his eyes again, and I idly wondered if it was possible for them to roll right out of his head. If they did, it would clearly be my fault. “You really are an asshole sometimes, you know that, right?”

With that, he turned and walked toward the bus, which had been parked as inconspicuously as possible in a nearby alley.

And sure, I _was_ an asshole. He wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know. But I still had feelings. Even if I hadn’t been entirely honest about my marriage, I couldn’t honestly say that I loved Kate like I once had. I had obligations to her; Carrick had to see that. I couldn’t avoid that, but he certainly could have avoided flirting with someone else… if he had wanted to, that was.

I followed behind him as quickly as my much shorter legs would carry me. “What the hell does me being an asshole have to do with you flirting so blatantly that even _Taylor_ , the most oblivious person in the world, pointed out that someone was trying to creep up on you?”

Carrick didn’t speak again until we were both safely inside the bus. “Creeping implies I didn’t want him there. You think I’m stupid or something, that I don’t notice when someone’s flirting? Yeah, I might have let it go a little far, but you’re acting like he was gonna roofie my drink or something.”

“So you wanted him there. At least you admit it, I guess.” And there it was. If I meant so little to him that he saw no problem with flirting with some other guy, if he actually _wanted_ to, then what was the point? I was risking everything, and I had never stopped to realize that Carrick didn’t even want this as much as I did.

He opened his mouth to speak, then shut it and scowled at me. Finally, he said, “Damnit, Zac. I hate it when you pull this shit.”

“What kind of shit am I pulling, exactly?” I asked. “’Cause I’m really not seeing how you don’t get why I don’t appreciate seeing you throwing yourself all over some other guy. And now you admit wanted it. You wanted _him_. Well, go get him, then. I’m not stopping you.”

I stepped back and motioned toward the door, practically daring him to leave. I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it if he did, but it was better to know now than drag this on any further.

Carrick glared at me for a moment, and that made me wonder even more what he was going to do and what he was waiting for. After a moment’s pause, he shoved me back against the door, nearly knocking the breath out of me. His lips collided forcefully with mine, and I let out a pathetic yelp as I struggled to keep up with him.

He pulled back, breathing harder but his eyes still clouded with anger. “Does it _feel_ like I want him?”

“I dunno,” I replied, snaking my hand in between our bodies to feel the erection I was sure was there. Sure enough, I found it easily, even through his jeans, and gave it a squeeze. “I mean, how should I know if this is for him or me?”

His only response was a growl. One large hand landed on my shoulder, and he practically drug me into the back of the bus. I landed on the couch with a dull thud, which was followed by the sound of the lounge door being slammed shut and locked.

I knew I shouldn’t, but I couldn’t help smirking. So he _did_ want me, at least physically. Right then, that was enough for me. The fact that he was here, with me, shoving me back against the couch and slipping his tongue into my mouth, was all that mattered. And when his hand found its way to my own erection, I could barely even remember why I had been angry in the first place.

“Still worried about being replaced?” Carrick asked, not waiting for my answer before sinking his teeth into my neck. I didn’t even care at all if he left marks for everyone to see.

I let out a pathetic sound that was closer to a whimper than a moan. “I think… I think I’m starting to get the picture…”

“You know, you’re not in much of a position to get all possessive on me, anyway. Even if it is adorable.”

“Yeah, well, we’ll talk when you catch me drooling all over some Justin Timberlake lookalike.” The words came out in a growl and I didn’t even try to fight it. Why bother hiding the truth? Yes, I was possessive. Jealous, even. What was so wrong about that?

“You really are jealous,” Carrick said, practically reading my mind. He sank his teeth into my neck again, then licked the wound. “I’d be touched if you weren’t being such a dick about it.”

I arched my back and bared my neck to him, hoping to let him know that I wanted, maybe even needed, him to mark his territory. “Being a dick is just part of my charm. Thought you knew that already?”

“Being… taking…” Carrick shrugged, giving me an evil smirk.

“Except _somebody_ won’t _give_ me any.” I punctuated the statement by rolling my hips against his as hard as I could, our dicks rubbing together painfully even with layers of clothing still between us.

“Maybe you just haven’t earned it yet.” Carrick mirrored my movements, but slowly, teasingly. “I don’t give this out for free, you know?”

And because, as we had already established, I was a jealous asshole, I couldn’t stop myself from saying, “Could have fooled me.”

Carrick stopped, his eyes flashing with anger and his body going completely rigid. After a beat, he stepped back from the couch and peeled off his shirt. “You want it that bad? Prove it. Strip.”

I stared at him in disbelief, trying to discern whether or not he was just playing around. Ultimately, I decided that it didn’t matter. Whether it was a game or not, it turned me on, and I wasted no time yanking off every stitch of clothing I had on.

“Show me how bad you want it, Zac.” Carrick popped the button on his jeans, shoving them down his hips a few inches as he came to stand right in front of me.

I didn’t have to guess what he wanted. I pulled his dick out of its confines and stared up at him as I ran my tongue from tip to base. My first attempt at going down on him had been cut short, so I couldn’t guarantee this would be any good for him, but I was going to try.

“That the best you got?” He asked, grabbing a fistful of my hair. “Must not really want it that bad…”

Trying not to wince, or moan, at the pain of his hand tugging on my hair, I relaxed my jaw and took his dick into my mouth. I barely had time to adjust to that new feeling before Carrick yanked on my hair again, using his grip on it to set a pace for me. I dug my fingernails into my own thighs just to try to regain some sort of control, but I didn’t even try to stop myself from moaning as I bobbed up and down on his dick.

All too soon, Carrick pulled me away and nodded toward the couch. A smirk on his lips, he said, “Better get comfy.”

I leaned back against the cushions, trying to look casual even though I was trembling all over. Carrick had me at a disadvantage here, being both more experienced and so good at making me do whatever he wanted me to do. I wonder if he knew how willingly I was letting myself be bossed around.

Carrick knelt between my legs and stared up at me, his eyes still clouded over with… something… as he dragged his tongue ever so slowly up my length. Even that faint of a touch made my hips buck upward. It was pathetic how much I wanted him, but I was far past the point of trying to hide it.

“Carrick…” I moaned out as he swirled his tongue around the head of my dick, then finally took the entire length into his mouth. His hands fell to my thighs and I cautiously let one of my own hands rest in his hair.

That was apparently not appreciated, as he quickly let my dick fall from his mouth and raised himself up to whisper in my ear. “You sure you want it?”

I didn’t have to ask what _it_ was. He let his hand brush across my dick, slick with spit and pre-come, and then it found its way between my legs. One long, thin finger pressed against a part of me that no other man had ever touched.

“You know I do, Care.” Maybe it was just a _little_ bit manipulative to use my pet name for him, but I knew how nervous I must have looked. I needed him to know that didn’t matter; nervous or not, I was so, so ready to cross this line and never look back.

The clouds in his eyes parted for just a moment, but just as quickly, I felt his finger press all the way into me.

“Fuck!”

Rather than respond with words, Carrick gave a quick twist of his finger. He pulled it all the way out, then pushed it back in. With no lube to speak of aside from my own pre-come, it shouldn’t have felt so good, but it did. I had fingered myself before, at first just out of curiosity, but later because it became yet another one of my twisted desires. This was nothing like what I had done to myself, and I loved it.

Carrick’s other hand ran up my stomach, then my chest, coming to rest on my shoulder and holding me in place. He had to know that I was completely at his mercy, and loving it, but I didn’t mind the extra force at all. In fact, I enjoyed that, too.

“Yes… j-just like that…” I panted out as he found a nice rhythm, thrusting his finger almost ruthlessly in and out of me.

He shifted his position ever so slightly, so that our dicks lined up against each other. I thought I would scream from how good it felt, and then I felt him easing a second finger into me. All I could do then was whimper, my hips bucking up as though they had a mind of their own.

“Oh, I know,” Carrick said, his tone completely patronizing and yet somehow still so, so sexy. “Must be so _hard_ , having what you want right there… so close…”

To further prove his point, he ground his dick against me, creating an incredible friction. He twisted his fingers inside me, and it took me a moment to even realize the pathetic whine I had heard came from my own mouth.

“Fuck…. Just--god, please, Carrick.” I didn’t even know what I was begging for by that point. All I knew was that I needed it, needed something, needed Carrick more than I had ever needed anything in my life.

He pressed a third finger into me and it was almost more than I could handle, the pain nearly overpowering the pleasure. His voice deep and raspy, he asked, “Must be real torture, huh?”

“Just… just hoping you’ll fuck me this good,” I managed to reply, although the fact that I was trembling all over sort of negated the cocky tone of my voice.

“Well, that depends on you, doesn’t it?” Carrick whispered in my ear. Suddenly he pulled his fingers out and pressed his dick against me. It was so close, yet so far, and I knew that just the slightly move of my hips would change everything. But I didn’t dare move.

“Carrick… please, Care…” I pleaded, but I knew it was pointless. He might be tap-dancing on the line he had drawn between us, but he wouldn’t take that last, tiny little step over it.

Instead, he slid two fingers back into me, meeting far less resistance than before, and wrapped his other hand around my painful, throbbing dick. As he stroked it, he commanded, “Come for me, Zac.”

“You don’t have to ask me twice,” I replied, practically convulsing underneath him. “God, I’m… I’m so fucking close…”

Carrick leaned down and pressed his lips to mine, and that was all it took. My back arched upward, pressing our bodies almost as close together as possible, and my vision went black for a moment. When I came back down to earth, Carrick had pulled away just enough to grab a discarded t-shirt and wipe off his hand.

He stared at me, the clouds in his eyes now fully parted. “I told him I had a boyfriend. I never wanted him. Only you.”

“You… you could have just told me that, you know,” I replied, still breathing so heavily I could barely speak. “I’m sorry, Care, I just… I know I have no right, but god, I couldn’t stand to see you with someone else.”

“Why?” He asked, his eyes searching mine for what he should have already known was there.

“God, why do you think, Carrick? What do you think this is for me, just fun?”

“No, just… nevermind. Forget I asked.” He glanced away.

“No, Carrick,” I replied, sitting up and scooting away from him. “I wanna know, is that what you really think of me? You think I’m just fucking around here, just playing around, like I haven’t been in love with you forever?”

“No, of course I—” He paused, his frown giving way to wide-eyed staring. “You… what?”

“I… I thought it was kinda obvious?” In truth, I hadn’t really meant to say it, not like that. But maybe at least a little bit of the truth would be good for us.

“You… I didn’t think…” He shut his eyes, but there was a hint of a smile on his face.

“I think you’re the last person in the world to notice, Care.”

“I guess I am.” He chuckled. “So you really…?”

“Yes, really,” I replied, just a bit mockingly. “You think I would lie about that? It’s been so fucking long, and I am so fucking sick of hiding it, pretending I don’t feel this way. I know I can’t tell everyone, but I… I can at least be honest with you about it.”

Carrick pressed a hand to my cheek and gave me a soft kiss. I couldn’t resist returning it, but only briefly.

I pulled away and rested my head on his shoulder. “God… it’s actually such a fucking relief to admit it.”

“Admit what?” Carrick smirked.

“That I love you, jackass,” I replied, staring him down.

He chuckled, then sighed. “Yeah, yeah. I love you, too. Even if you are kind of an asshole sometimes.”

I let out a sigh of my own. I hadn’t realized how much I needed to hear him say it, too. “I told you, it’s part of my charm.”

Carrick gave another soft sigh, then reached into the floor and tossed my boxers to me. He found his own and pulled them on, then pulled me down onto the couch with him. “No more bullshit jealous hissy fits?”

“I’ll… I’ll try,” I sighed out. “I really will. I just—god, after so long, I was so close and then I thought…”

“After how long, exactly?” Carrick asked, eying me. “Just out of curiosity.”

“How long have we known each other?”

He raised an eyebrow. “About… six years?”

“So, about six years.”

Carrick stared at me for a moment, then laughed loudly and shook his head. “That explains so… so much.”

“I mean, I’m not saying it was love at first sight or anything… although I was very impressed with that, uh, table dance you did at South by Southwest that year.”

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up…” To my surprise, Carrick was actually blushing a little.

“Who’s laughing?” I asked, not even trying to fight my smirk or the chuckle that followed. “It was pretty hot.”

“Look who’s talking,” Carrick replied, his eyes trailing up and down my body and one finger tracing a path down my chest.

I snorted. “Yeah, sitting here practically naked, covered in dried come. So hot.”

“You are to me,” he said. “Always have been.”

I felt my face heating up, and I hoped the blush wasn’t as obvious as it felt. “Yeah, well… you’re not so bad yourself.”

“You weren’t complaining a little while ago,” Carrick replied, lazily rocking his hips against mine. “You were practically begging for it.”

I groaned, my head falling back against the arm of the couch. “God, Carrick… give a guy time to recover…”

“Just imagine what it’ll be like when you get the real thing,” he whispered in my ear, punctuating the sentence with a nip at my earlobe.

“Trust me, I do,” I nearly whimpered. Pulling myself up a bit, I added, “Probably gonna go imagine it in the shower now, in fact.”

“Want some company?”

“Your company?” I asked, offering him a hand. “Always.”


	9. Chapter 9

**_Zac_ **

Not surprisingly, I woke up with a raging hangover the morning after the party, but I couldn’t have been happier. Now that Carrick knew the truth about my feelings for him, a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I knew that one confession couldn’t solve all of our problems, but for the moment, it was good enough. I spent the next few days practically walking on air, and nothing at all could bring me down. 

Even an early morning truck stop didn’t bother me that much. I groaned when I heard our tour manager calling out to everyone to get up, get out and be back in fifteen, but I didn’t really mind being pulled from my sleep, not when reality was almost as good as the sex dream I had just been having.

I was actually humming to myself as I hopped from the bunk and pulled on the cleanest pair of jeans within arm’s reach. I nudged past Isaac, giving him a nod and a smile, which he barely returned. No one else seemed nearly as chipper as I was at this early hour, and I couldn’t imagine why not.

Taylor was sprawled across a chair in the kitchen, his eyes barely open as he mumbled into his phone; based on the tone of his voice, he was talking to Natalie. I had to hand it to him. In spite of the weird arrangement that their marriage was, he didn’t shirk any of his duties to her. Early mornings, before she had woken up the kids to start their schooling for the day, were just about their only chance to talk uninterrupted, and he checked in with her like clockwork. 

Maybe I didn’t put enough stock into stuff like that--regular phone calls, presents just because, all the things that just generally said a person cared. It wasn’t like I had done anything all that terrible in my marriage; I hadn’t even strayed until recently. Yet somehow my marriage seemed to be a house of cards, while Taylor had somehow built something incredibly solid in spite of the shaky foundation it rested upon.

I shook my head as I walked past him and off the bus. Those thoughts were way too deep for this early in the morning. 

I was almost inside the Love’s we’d stopped at, somewhere in the middle of nowhere Wisconsin, when I saw Taylor’s reflection behind me in the door. I held it open for him like the good brother that I was.

“Morning,” he rasped, rubbing his eyes. “Need coffee.”

“You look and sound like a zombie, dude. Not a good look.”

“You don’t sound that much better,” he shot back, making a beeline for a cooler full of sugary Starbucks drinks. He grabbed a bottle of mocha-choca-something, cracked it open and chugged half of it in one go. I almost laughed at his sigh of relief; I’d seen drug addicts who didn’t fiend as hard as Taylor sans caffeine. 

“Rough show last night?” I asked, raising an eyebrow at him over the top of the row of candy bars I was eying. We all had our addictions, I supposed, some more dangerous than others.

He shrugged, taking another long, slow sip. “Nah, just stayed up on the laptop too late.”

I eyed him for a moment, remembering the conversation I had almost convinced myself was a drunken fantasy. Taylor spent a lot of time on his laptop for someone who claimed not to watch porn, and I knew he wasn’t a gamer like me. What else was the internet for but games and porn? 

Shaking my head, I turned to glance at Carrick. He was scrutinizing the pitiful selection of fruit the gas station had to offer, and I almost had to laugh at that. How did I end up with a health nut like him? In so many ways, Carrick and I couldn’t have been more different, but something about us just worked. 

Trying not to smile too much as I thought about the little makeout session we had shared in the back lounge after everyone else fell asleep, I turned back to Taylor and said, “Well, _I_ slept like a baby.”

“Made up with Carrick?” He asked, one eyebrow just slightly raised. “What was that all about anyway?”

“Huh? What was what all about?” I didn’t sound believable at all, but I hoped Taylor was still too sleepy to pick up on that fact.

He chuckled softly. “You seemed pretty upset when he was talking to that guy at the party. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you looked jealous.”

“How drunk were you, Tay?” I asked, letting out a nervous laugh that was at least an octave too high. “I think you were hallucinating.”

Taylor stared at me, obviously trying to find some fault in what I had said. I was sure I’d had far more to drink that night than him, but he hadn’t been all that sober, either. Finally, he dismissed whatever he’d been about to accuse me of, and shrugged. 

“Maybe I was,” he finally agreed, and I hoped that meant the subject could be dropped. “So, hey, how’s Kate feeling?”

“Huh?” I asked, my head snapping back up from the Skor bar I had just nabbed. “What about Kate?”

“Nat just said she hasn’t been feeling well. Canceled their plans the past couple nights.”

“She… she hadn’t mentioned anything.” I also hadn’t talked to her for very long in the past week, but I still felt certain she would have mentioned something like that. The fact that she hadn’t, and the fact that she had sounded perfectly healthy when we had talked… well, I didn’t know what to make of that. Nat was a bit of a gossip, though; maybe she was making something out of nothing.

“Huh,” Taylor said, looking perplexed. “Well, it must not be that serious then, I guess.”

Carrick wandered over then, saving me from discussing my wife any further. I could have kissed him for that, but I wasn’t exactly ready to explain _that_ to Taylor. 

Taylor leaned against the cooler next to Carrick and gave him a smirk that made me just a little bit sick to my stomach. “So, looked like you made a friend the other night. Get his number?”

Carrick shot me a quick glance, almost imperceptible, but it didn’t pass me by. “Nah. Seemed nice enough; just not really my type.”

“Hoping he’d hook you up if it didn’t work out, Tay?” I fought the urge to scowl. Taylor had no clue what was really happening, of course, but if I didn’t deflect attention from my obvious jealousy, he would figure it out before too long.

“Don’t worry,” Taylor said, rolling his eyes but otherwise not acknowledging me at all. He was used to me joking about his preferences, I was sure, but used to it didn’t mean he liked it. “We’ll get you some action this tour.”

“No offense, Tay, but I’m pretty sure I can find my own action. But… thanks for the offer.” Carrick gave him a wink and a nudge, then grabbed a sparkling water from the cooler and wandered off. He passed just a little too close to me on the way, giving me a wink that I was glad Taylor couldn’t see.

“That’s not what I…” Taylor huffed, trailing off as Carrick passed out of earshot. His face was bright red, and I couldn’t resist grinning. It was just too easy to get under Taylor’s skin, especially with Carrick’s help.

“Well, I’ll see ya back on the bus,” I said, glancing back at Carrick one last time before stepping in closer to Taylor. “Get some rest, dude. It’ll do you some good. It’ll help with those hallucinations, at least, but maybe not the, uh, sexual frustration.”

If it was possible, Taylor turned even brighter red at that. I could almost see the wheels in his head turning, trying to come up with a suitable comeback. He was no match for my wit, though, and he knew it. Practically purple in the face now, he turned on his heel and stalked off without another word.

I couldn’t resist laughing out loud as I walked off in the opposite direction, hoping to catch Carrick alone before everyone else made it back to the bus. On second thought, I paused, and grabbed a Butterfinger, too. Breakfast of champions.

****

_Zac has a certain way of looking at Taylor, a certain way of touching him. Without a single word, it says,_ mine.

_Taylor can’t help testing him, though, pushing his limits. He’d find a cute guy in any crowd and turn on his charm. Smile a bit too long, laugh a bit too loud, and soon enough Zac would be right there. Thick, powerful fingers wrap around Taylor’s wrist, then pull away so quickly that no one but Taylor even notices._

_Taylor knows to follow him wherever he goes. Zac would find some secluded spot, maybe just around the corner of a hallway where the party could still be heard but no one else dared venture. Taylor would no more than round the corner when he’d find himself shoved up against the wall, Zac’s body pressed up against his, breath hot and wet against his ear._

_“Mine.”_

_He knows better than to argue with that. And why would he? It’s true. There are parts of their lives they can’t share with each other, for practical reasons, but all the parts of Taylor that mattered were Zac’s and always had been._

_Zac’s hand somehow manages to snake its way in between Taylor’s body and the wall. He pops the button on Taylor’s jeans with practiced ease and wraps his hand around the erection Taylor didn’t even realize he had. He doesn’t have to speak; Taylor still hears him loud and clear._ Mine.

_He jerks Taylor roughly, his other hand fumbling to lower Taylor’s jeans and underwear. He swirls his thumb through the precome gathering on the head of Taylor’s dick, one knee wedged between his legs to push them further apart. His thumb comes to rest right against Taylor’s entrance, little more than a tease._

_“What’s this?” He asks._

_“Yours.”_

_Zac murmurs his agreement, his thumb pushing just past what little resistance Taylor’s body offers. He thrusts the digit in and out a few times, a pale imitation of what they both really want. When he pulls away, Taylor’s hips buck backward almost involuntarily, and Zac just chuckles._

_He’s inside Taylor so fast it takes Taylor’s breath away. He rests his forehead against the wall, his hands grasping at worn wallpaper that offers no purchase whatsoever. But it’s okay, because his real anchor is Zac, fingernails digging into his hips as he thrusts ruthlessly in and out._

_His pace is slow and steady, each thrust feeling deeper than the last. When Taylor reaches for his own dick to try to match the pace, Zac laces their fingers together and plants their hands right back against the wall. Taylor gets the message._

_Zac gives little more than a soft grunt to announce his impending orgasm. He rests his head against Taylor’s shoulder as it racks his body, each tremor sending another stream of warm, thick come into Taylor. He holds Taylor in place until the last tremor subsides, then pulls Taylor’s pants back up. They strain against the erection Zac has done nothing to help with, but Taylor doesn’t dare complain._

_As Zac walks away, his shuffling footsteps fading into the distance, Taylor hears the echo of the word left unsaid._

Mine.

****

We drove through the better part of the morning, and I spent most of it curled up on the bus couch with Carrick. While Carrick worked on some book that was far too highbrow for me, I switched back and forth between playing the newest game I’d downloaded on my iPad and checking for new reading material of my own. If anyone thought it was strange that we were intertwined like a pretzel, they didn’t see fit to mention it. 

My mind was elsewhere the whole time, though. Something about that conversation with Taylor hadn’t sat well with me. Part of me thought he was starting to catch on to what was happening between me and Carrick, but that wasn’t what really had me worried. I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was some deeper meaning in his passing comment about Kate, yet I couldn’t figure out what it was. 

When we finally made it to our next town and checked into the hotel, Carrick and I naturally volunteered to share a room. No one thought twice about that; we always shared when we toured together. When everyone started making plans to get lunch, I gave Carrick my order and feigned sleepiness; that would buy me a few minutes to call my wife and try to get to the bottom of this feeling that kept nagging at me.

If Carrick suspected anything, he didn’t say. He just smiled when I offered to take both of our bags to the room and promised to be back as soon as possible. As soon as I’d tossed them down, I pulled my phone out and found Kate’s name in my recent calls. 

It rang so many times I was sure the call would be sent to voicemail when finally her voice came on the line. “Zac, hey.”

“Hey,” I said. “Everything okay there?”

“Just helping Junia in the bathroom,” she replied. “I left my phone in the other room.”

“Is she okay?” 

Kate chuckled softly. “She’s fine, if you don’t count the fact that she felt the need to use an entire bottle of expensive soap to wash her hands. Why?”

“Oh, I just thought--” I began. “I mean, I heard through the Hanson grapevine that you’d been under the weather lately, so… you said bathroom, and I just figured she’d caught whatever you had.” 

“Oh, for goodness sake,” Kate said, and I could practically hear rolling her eyes. “I told Natalie it was just bad PMS. These new pills aren’t really agreeing with me yet, I suppose. But you know if anyone sneezes, Nat acts like the plague is coming to get us all.”

That was true enough, I supposed. Still, her mention of the pills ruffled my feathers; true, we probably weren’t in a good place to have any more kids, but why did she get to make that decision on her own? Given the circumstances, I decided it probably wasn’t the right time to have that argument again. Heaving a sigh, I replied, “Well, I’m just glad you’re okay. I was kinda worried when I had to hear through Tay that you were sick or whatever.”

“Well, neither Nat nor Tay needed to be talking about my health. Especially since it’s perfectly fine. But if you called a little more often, you would have known that for yourself.” There was just a hint of a teasing tone to her voice, but not enough to cover the accusation.

“You know I call as much as I can,” I replied, my voice as measured and reasonable as I could manage. “You’ve been on tour before; you know how busy it can be.”

“I know, I know,” she said, her tone just as measured as mine. Neither of us wanted a fight, I supposed. “But you hardly seem to answer when I call, either.”

“Katie, what do you expect if you call when I’m on the walk? Or in soundcheck? I know it’s hard to keep up with my schedule; I barely can. But you can’t expect me to always be available.”

“No, I guess I can’t,” Kate shot back, an edge to her voice that I didn’t quite understand. There was a moment’s pause, and when she spoke again, she sounded like herself. “But hey, it’s just about lunch time here, judging by the number of times I’ve seen your son glance longingly at the kitchen in the last few minutes. Call me the next time you have a chance?” 

“Yeah, I will,” I replied, laughing softly at the mental image of Shepherd; like father, like son. “You better go make lunch before the natives get restless.”

“That’s the plan. And Zac--if you don’t _have_ a chance to call me, do you think you can _make_ one?”

“I’ll do my best.” She knew as well as I did that my best wasn’t very good. 

“Bye, Zac.”

The line went dead before I could say goodbye or even offer a half-hearted ‘I love you.’ It was just as well; the words sat heavy on my tongue and made me sick. It shouldn’t have felt wrong to say that to my wife, I knew, but that was my reality now and I couldn’t change it.

And there was still something off with Kate, something I just couldn’t quite identify. There was a distance between us, and I didn’t just mean the literal one. Our conversations were strained in a way they never had been before. A part of my brain said that was all my fault, that of course things were off now that I was going behind her back with Carrick. But that wasn’t quite it. The truth still eluded me, so close but still just out of my reach.

I had only just plugged my phone into its charger and placed it safely on the bedside table when I heard a key card beep in the door. I jumped up to hold it open when I saw Carrick struggling with arms full of Chinese take-out boxes. 

He gave me a big smile that made me just about melt into a puddle right then and there. Maybe it didn’t matter exactly what was wrong between me and Kate. I knew right then that I wasn’t going to fight to save it.


	10. Chapter 10

**Carrick**  
For the first time since we’d left on this tour, things were good. Better than good, really. Zac and I had reached a new level in our relationship; things still weren’t progressing as fast as I would’ve liked, but there wasn’t anything to be done about that. But we were happy, now that we’d both been honest about our feelings. It felt so good to have it out in the open, at least between the two of us. 

Love life aside, the rest of the tour was going great, too. The fans seemed really happy to see me, which was a huge confidence boost. And hanging out with the guys--all of them, not just Zac--was always fun. Especially when it involved messing with Tay. Being his brother, Zac naturally loved to tease him, and it was all too easy to gang up on him and get him flustered. When he’d brought up finding me someone to hook up with, I just couldn’t resist throwing it back at him.

Not that I wasn’t plenty pent-up. Other than our jealousy-fueled tryst the other night, we really hadn’t done all that much. I had my reasons, my patch of moral ground, but it was getting smaller by the day. I found myself rationalizing, trying to convince myself that almost-divorced was practically the same thing as actually-divorced. I had to stay strong though, because I knew if I caved even the slightest bit, he would jump at the first opportunity. And I didn’t know if I would have the conviction to stop him.

“I need some air,” I said to Zac as we sat in the green room. We were both done with our soundchecks, and now it was just a matter of waiting for showtime. “Feel like stepping outside?”

“Sure.” 

We headed out the back door to what was essentially a loading dock or something. There was a half-wall, and I could see the line of fans at the far end of the building, just starting to pass the corner. One of them noticed us and waved, then turned to giggle at her friends. I put an arm around Zac’s shoulders and waved back; he shot me a look and leaned against the wall with his back to the fans.

“You know they’re gonna write about this, right?” He asked with a smirk.

“Yeah, ‘cuz none of them have ever written about us before…” I stepped in front of him, my hands loosely wrapped around his waist.

“Carrick…” He blushed a bit, but the crowd was too far away to see anything, and anyway we were hidden from the chest down. I smirked and touched his cheek; he blushed deeper, his eyes darting back for a moment.

“We can stop if you want,” I told him. 

“No... it’s alright.”

I glanced back, and laughed when I spotted a couple phones being held up. Zac looked over his shoulder and groaned.

“Oh god… I don’t even want to know what they’re gonna do with those pics.”

I leaned in close, whispering in Zac’s ear. “We could really give them a show…” I nipped at his earlobe, and felt him shiver in response.

“Carrick… you are evil.”

“You love it,” I said with a wink.

“Yeah… I do.”

“Love you.” I ran my fingers through his hair lightly. Sure, it was a bit of a risk, being in relatively plain view, but… maybe I was in the mood to be a little bad.

“You better hope none of them can read lips,” he said, smirking. 

“Hm…” I looked around, weighing my options. The ground we were on sloped down behind the wall; if we just moved to the side a bit…

“Do I even want to know?” He asked, one eyebrow cocked. I just grinned and grabbed his hand, dragging him down to where we were completely concealed. As soon as we were safe, I shoved him against the wall and kissed him hard. He whimpered at first, but quickly tangled his hands in my hair, kissing me back. It was good, but I needed more. I grabbed his hips, grinding against him.

“Fuck,” he gasped, rolling his body against mine.

“Better keep it down,” I whispered in his ear. I kissed a trail down his neck before biting down, making him whimper again.

“You know I can be way louder than that…”

“Oh, I know.” I rolled my hips against his, growling in his ear. 

“Fuck… especially when you do that.”

I reached down to grab him through his jeans, not surprised at how hard he was. 

“Sure hope no one else decides to come out here,” I said, my tone teasing. We were taking a pretty huge risk, but I couldn’t bring myself to care.

“Would you stop if they did?” Zac raised an eyebrow. 

I thought about it for a second; I knew what my answer should’ve been, but to be totally honest, I wasn’t sure. Instead of answering, I popped the button on his jeans, sliding my hand inside to grip him through his boxers. He wasn’t stopping me, so my brain went into ‘fuck-it’ mode and I dropped to my knees, pulling his jeans and underwear down as I went. 

“You’re terrible,” he said, shaking his head, but his eyes were wide and dark. 

I grinned, wrapping my lips around his length. I felt him gripping my hair as I quickly found a rhythm. I was going to Hell for sure, but it was worth it. I let out a moan as I swirled my tongue around his head.

“Now who’s being loud,” he said, his voice shaking. 

I stared up at him and dragged my teeth lightly against him; he hissed and cursed, his whole body trembling. There was nothing sexier to me than Zac all turned on and writhing, especially knowing I was the one to get that reaction. There was so much more to it than that, of course, my feelings for him amplifying the need that had always been lurking. It was almost impossible to separate the emotional attraction from the physical, even if one was taking priority at the moment. 

Zac’s hand in my hair tugged roughly, pulling me up. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in for a passionate, needy kiss that I was more than willing to return. Our breathing was ragged, our bodies pressed against each other in all the right ways, but it wasn’t enough. I grabbed him by the shoulders and spun him around, grabbing his hips. He gasped, bracing himself against the wall and throwing his head back.

“Fuck, I need you, Zac.” I ground my hips against his ass, so close to what we both wanted. It took every ounce of strength I had not to just take him right then; I knew deep down he probably wouldn’t stop me, regardless of how wrong it was. 

“Need you, too,” Zac replied breathlessly. “It’s pretty much all I think about.”

“You think about me fucking you out in the open where anyone could see? Pretty kinky, but then… I already know how twisted you are.” I rocked my hips against him harder, my nails digging into his hips. 

“And you’re not just as twisted?” Zac asked. “Like you don’t think about it too? Fucking me out in the open, anywhere… everywhere.”

“Oh I’ll fuck you anywhere you want, babe. But you know what I need first.” It was a dick move, I knew that. But I was so frustrated, so pent-up, that maybe I wanted to take it out on him, just a little. “You do want that, don’t you? Being able to have _this_...” I gave an extra hard thrust for emphasis, “anywhere, anytime, as much as you can handle, and then some?”

“God yes, I do. I want it so bad, Care.”

He’d blatantly ignored the first part of what I said, and in the heat of the moment it made my blood boil. Once again, he was choosing to focus on his needs. I grabbed his wrists and pulled them behind his back, squeezing them tight as I whispered in his ear.

“So do I, Zac. I wanna be able to touch you, to have you, all the time. But you know I can’t, not yet.” I bit at his neck, realizing too late I was probably leaving a mark.  
Part of me wanted to mark my territory, to brand him as mine. I’d never been the possessive type, so I wasn’t sure where it was coming from, but Zac didn’t seem to mind, the way he moaned and pushed back against me. I reached one hand around to stroke him in time with my thrusts, and tried to imagine I really was buried inside him.

“Think any of those fans’ll get nosy?” I teased.

“You think they know what we’re doing?” 

“Wouldn’t surprise me…” I angled my hips to thrust harder against him, drawing a long, loud moan.

“Fuck…”

“Well if they didn’t before…” I chuckled, part of me wondering if any of the girls really had decided to come within hearing range.

“Not my fault you’re so damn good.”

“Aw, how sweet…” I twisted my wrist as I stroked him faster. “That’s it, babe… moan for me; you know I love it…”

“Fuck… yes…” Zac’s whole body was shaking, and I had a feeling my hand on his hip was the only thing keeping him upright. “Not gonna last much longer,” he panted.

“Me neither.” I let go of his wrists and turned his head, kissing him. I hadn’t gotten off like this from just dry-humping since I was a teenager, but the need was just too much for me to handle. I broke the kiss and bit Zac’s neck again, exactly where I had before. I was _definitely_ going to leave a mark. Zac cried out, leaning his head back against my shoulder.

“Carrick… god…”

“Zac…” I growled in his ear and a second later I felt a tremor run through his body as he came, my own climax following right after.

“Fuck,” he panted as I took a step back. 

Giving a quick look around, I shrugged and pulled my t-shirt off, wiping my hand and passing it to him. I leaned back against the wall next to him, running a shaking hand through my hair and trying to slow my breathing.

“You… are evil,” he said, his eyes glaring but his lips curled in a grin. 

“You… love it,” I shot back, mimicking his breathless tone.

“Yes. I do.” He smiled at me then, the lust in his eyes giving way to a more serious, sincere expression of love. I smiled back, hoping he understood just how much he meant to me. I took a step closer and touched his cheek, pressing my lips to his.

“So,” I said after a deep breath. “Our adoring public awaits.” I winked and nodded towards the other side of the wall. 

Zac chuckled as he finished zipping his jeans. He handed me back my soiled shirt; I looked at it for a second and shrugged, balling it up and tossing it in a nearby dumpster. Explaining a lost shirt was probably easier than explaining one covered in sex-smelling stains, I figured. I was just glad I’d worn my darkest jeans.  
As we walked back up towards the door, I dared a glance at the crowd. Sure enough, I saw wide eyes and phones turned in my direction.

“Oh, god,” Zac groaned, turning away. “They totally know.”

“Totally,” I laughed, putting an arm around his shoulders. He glanced at the crowd again, but wrapped an arm around my waist and leaned against me, his cheeks pink.

“Shall we?” I asked, pulling away to hold the door open. 

“Sure.”

Just as he crossed the threshold, I cocked back to give his ass a slap. My arm was already in mid-swing when Tay stepped around a corner, just in time to see my hand connect firmly with Zac’s ass and Zac jump half a foot in response. I watched Tay’s eyes go wide as they darted back and forth between me, Zac, my shirtless torso and Zac’s neck. 

I stepped up beside Zac, watching him from the corner of my eye. He was glued to the spot, his face quickly turning bright red. There wasn’t any point in trying to explain this away, not when I could see Taylor putting two and two together already. So I put an arm around Zac’s shoulders, feeling almost protective. He jumped a little at the touch, but didn’t pull away.

“Um… h-hey, Tay,” he said, his voice cracking slightly.

Well he wasn’t going to be any help. I chuckled, and smirked at Tay. 

“Told you I could find my own.”


	11. Chapter 11

_**Zac** _

I have, due to my well known talent for sticking my foot in my mouth, experienced a lot of awkward silences in my life. This was by far the most awkward. Carrick had vanished in all but a literal puff of smoke, leaving me all alone with Taylor, who could have probably managed to put two and two together even without Carrick’s quip.

It wasn’t that I minded being outed to Taylor. Out of everyone in our family and social circle, he was by far the least likely to judge me. That wasn’t what had stopped me in my tracks. Neither was it really the fact that I hadn’t had a say in the matter--although I did plan to point that out to Carrick later. 

So what was it, exactly, that left me shaking and stuttering, while Taylor just stared, his eyebrows growing increasingly higher on his forehead until he looked like nothing so much as a cartoon character?

I really couldn’t say. In fact, I couldn’t say _anything_.

When I finally managed to pull myself together enough to regain the power of speech, I could still do little more than point an accusatory finger at Taylor and blurt out, “Not a word.” 

I stormed off before either of us could figure out what I meant by that.

Somewhat to my relief, the concert started too soon after that for me to confront--or be confronted by--either Carrick or Taylor. That didn’t stop me from being distracted throughout the entire show, of course. I had no clue what to say to either of them. I couldn’t articulate why I was upset with Carrick, nor could I understand why I felt the need to explain anything at all to Taylor. 

Still, the awkward feelings lingered, even after the show ended and Carrick was the first one by the side of the stage to assure me it had been a great concert. I knew that was a lie; I had been too lost in my thoughts to give it my best, but I appreciated the sentiment anyway. 

After a quick shower, I made my way out to the garage where the bus was parked. I wasn’t surprised to see a crowd of fans circling around Carrick. The way he stood out from the crowd, being practically a head taller than most of them, was pretty laughable. That, and the way he so effortlessly seemed to charm every single one of them, went a long way towards softening my own feelings toward him.

I signed a few quick autographs, but didn’t take time for very much small talk. It was easy enough, in spite of what had happened earlier, to feed off Carrick’s banter. The two of us made a good team, as I was sure more than a few fans had noticed. With that thought in mind, I began subtly nudging him toward the bus until he finally took the hint and said goodbye to his adoring public.

“They totally know,” I mumbled as soon as we were out of earshot. 

“Probably,” Carrick replied, his hand coming to rest almost automatically on my lower back as he climbed onto the bus right behind me. The fans might not have been able to see that little movement, but it still made my back stiffen a bit.

It didn’t help at all that Taylor was right there, sitting at the bus table. He eyed us over the top of his laptop, but didn’t say a word.

I headed straight for the refrigerator, grabbing a Mountain Dew. Maybe if I just ignored Taylor entirely, he would go away. Unlikely, but it was my only hope. I held up a Dr. Pepper to Carrick, and he nodded. 

He draped himself casually across the couch, and smiled up at me. I handed him his Dr. Pepper and sat down next to him with my own drink. I gave him a look that I hoped conveyed that I really wanted to be anywhere but right where I was, but Carrick seemed oblivious to it.

Seeing that I had no choice but to play nice and pretend nothing had happened earlier, I turned my attention to my brother. “Whatcha doing, Tay?”

“Just about to check our Twitter,” he replied.

Carrick stifled a laugh, and I glanced at him. He just gave me a nudge and a smirk.

“You don’t think…” I said under my breath, but couldn’t bring myself to finish the sentence.

“Oh, cool,” Taylor said, seemingly oblivious. “Some people posted pics already.”

“That’s… that’s good,” I managed to squeak out.

Taylor’s eyes were trained on the laptop screen. He clicked once, twice, three times, his eyes growing wider with each click. I could only imagine what sort of pictures he had found, although I reasoned that if they were _that_ bad word would have somehow reached my wife by now. Still, Taylor’s reaction wasn’t exactly reassuring, especially when he leaned in closer and tilted his head to the side as though he wasn’t at all sure what he was seeing.

I glanced back at Carrick, and was dismayed to find him clearly on the verge of bursting out laughing.  
“I hate you so much,” I hissed.

“No you don’t,” he whispered back.

He was right, of course. That was the problem. In spite of the major line he had crossed earlier, I really couldn’t even stay angry with him. 

Finally, Taylor pried his eyes away from the screen, turning his head slowly to stare at us.

I gulped. “Any good pics?”

Carrick let out a loud guffaw at that, his hand not clamping down on his mouth quickly enough to silence it.

“Okay,” Taylor said, clearing his throat. “So they got a few… interesting… photos. No big deal. They’ve gotten worse ones of us before.”

Carrick snorted, and I shoved an elbow into his side.

Taylor glanced back and forth between the two of us, his lips just barely beginning to turn up in a smirk. “Anything you feel like telling me?”

“If I said I was kidding before, would you believe me?” Carrick ran a hand through his hair, looking surprisingly sheepish--an emotion I hadn’t even been sure he was capable of.

“I’m not that blonde,” Taylor replied. Something on his computer screen distracted him, and he leaned in to analyze it again. A moment later, he glanced up at us again. “You didn’t.”

I stared back, hoping my expression looked at least a little bit more innocent than Carrick’s.

Tay turned his computer screen to face us, the tweet in question displayed in large enough print that it was hardly even necessary for him to read it. “Saw Zarrick outside before the show, they disappeared around a corner and we heard… noises…”

“Our fans are twisted,” I remarked. “Who the fuck would even tweet that?”

“You didn’t,” Taylor repeated. “ _Tell me_ you didn’t.”

“We didn’t,” I parroted. Technically we really hadn’t done anything as bad as that tweet seemed to imply. I doubted telling Tay that would help my case any, though.

Carrick rolled his eyes. “We thought it’d be fun to mess with them some.”

Taylor and I both eyed him closely. 

“What? It was funny!” Carrick remarked. “Go around the corner, make a few noises… they immediately assume we’re doing it.”

Taylor looked at me, presumably for confirmation that Carrick was telling the truth. I nodded. What else could I do?

“I--I mean,” I stuttered out, “some of those girls think _we’re_ fucking. Overactive imagination central.”

“Yeah…” Taylor replied, drawing the word out as though he were still deciding whether or not he believed a word we were saying. Finally, the tension left his shoulders and he began to grin again. “Except that this time, they happen to be right. Even if they don’t know it. Okay, that _is_ pretty funny.”

I laughed nervously, not really finding it quite as funny as Taylor had. I supposed that laughter was the only way he could deal with suddenly learning that I was bisexual and sleeping with the opening act. It wasn’t the coming out I would have chosen, that’s for sure. But at least the absurdity of it broke the ice. 

“I mean, it’s not like you’re reckless enough to actually have sex a few feet away from our fans.” Taylor gave us a pointed stare. “Right?”

“Right…” I replied. It was, technically speaking, true. I didn’t feel like getting into the reasons _why_ we hadn’t gone all the way, though. 

Had it even occurred to Taylor to question the fact that I was cheating on my wife, his wife’s best friend? We didn’t have the sort of arrangement he and Natalie had; surely he knew that. If he questioned that, how I could justify cheating on Kate, it would only be a matter of minutes before Carrick realized I hadn’t been entirely honest with him. 

But I truly didn’t see any judgment in Taylor’s eyes. He realized, I supposed, that he was in no position to judge me, given everything--and everyone--he had done. 

“So, uh,” I said. “I’m not sure I really wanna know, but did they say anything else about us? I mean, about… me and Carrick?”

“Umm, not really, no,” Taylor replied. “Just a few of them made those sort of comments. Then just some others saying they saw you guys. A small handful debating who makes a cuter couple, you two or… us.”

“See?” I said, shooting a quick glare at Carrick to silence his snickers. “Our fans are fucking sick. Who would tweet that kind of thing to us?”

“Oh, they didn’t tag us in those,” Taylor replied. “I just follow a few of them.”

I stared at him. “What?” 

“What?” Taylor repeated, giving me a blank look. “You’ve never wondered what they say when they think we aren’t looking?”

Carrick grinned. “Oh, I’ve got a pretty good idea.”

“It’s pretty interesting, really,” Taylor replied with a casual shrug, as though he hadn’t just admitted to keeping a private Twitter account for the sole purpose of spying on our fans. Just how much had I underestimated my dear, dumb blonde brother?

“That’s one word for it,” I finally managed to squeak out.

“Yeah, I love reading all their theories and explanations,” Carrick said. “Some of them have some pretty well-thought out arguments for why they ship whoever they ship.”

Taylor nodded in agreement, and I just stared back and forth between the two of them. Had I fallen into the twilight zone, or was I actually sitting here discussing _shipping_ with my brother and my boyfriend? 

“You’re both fucking nuts. It’s official.” 

“Really?” Carrick asked, his head snapping around to stare at me.

“Umm,” I sputtered, hoping Carrick wasn’t going to spill _all_ of the beans. Hadn’t he told Taylor enough for one night?

“You honestly think you’re one to talk?”

“No?” 

“Uh huh,” Carrick replied. “That’s what I thought. You’re no more innocent than me, you know.”

Taylor pushed his laptop aside and leaned back in his seat. “So my little brother has some skeletons, huh?”

“You can say that again,” Carrick said, a massive smirk threatening to split his face in half.

“I hate you both.”

Taylor pouted, but Carrick just threw a long arm around me. “Nah, you love us. Both of us.”

“So…” Taylor looked back and forth between us with a knowing smile. “Like I said. Anything you want to tell me?”

I looked at Carrick, but he just shrugged. Of course he wasn’t going to be any help, but then, considering the balancing act I was struggling to manage, maybe that was for the best. 

I cleared my throat and turned back to Tay. “We, um… we’re kinda… dating.” 

Tay’s brow furrowed, and I could see a million questions forming in his mind. I started to panic, and gave what I hoped was a subtle head shake, then glanced at Carrick. He was smiling at me with so much love and pride that I felt like absolute shit.

“Hey babe, I’m gonna go get the xBox turned on,” Carrick said. “See you in a bit.” He gave me a peck on the cheek, then turned and headed back to the lounge.

“See you,” I replied weakly, hardly even able to manage to smile up at him. I turned back to Taylor, bracing myself for the interrogation I was sure had to be coming.

“How long have you known?” He asked, his tone almost sympathetic.

“Known?” I echoed, not sure at first what he meant, or why he wasn’t hurling accusations at me. Not that I wanted him to do that, but they wouldn’t have been false. Finally, his meaning dawned on me. “Umm… I mean, it was only a theory until recently. But, a few years, I guess.”

Tay nodded slowly, chewing his lip. He stood up, then took Carrick’s spot next to me on the couch. “It’s okay. You know I’m the last person who’s going to judge you. But I have to ask… does Kate know?”

“Does Kate--I mean, she’s not exactly the easiest person to talk to about sexual stuff, you know?” It was hardly an answer at all, but we were treading on thin ice here. 

“I’ll take that as a no.” He took a deep breath, glancing toward the back lounge, where our conversation hopefully couldn’t be heard. “And Carrick is okay with this? With being the side-guy? I mean, you said you were ‘dating’, but…”

“But what? Yeah, we’re dating, and yeah, I know it’s not that simple. It’s really fucking complicated, actually, but I’m… I’m trying to sort it all out. And Carrick knows that. I think he’s a big enough boy to take care of himself, Tay.” I tried to keep my tone even and level; I knew Tay meant well. But meaning well didn’t mean that he wouldn’t say or do something that jeopardized everything for me.

“Okay, okay. I just don’t want to see you get hurt, is all.” He looked me over, looking almost shy for a second. “You deserve to be happy. I’m glad you’ve found people who are cool with letting you have what you need.”

“Like I said, I’m trying to sort it all out,” I repeated, trying to ignore the growing pit in my stomach. “This is all pretty new territory for me, you know. But I am--I mean, Carrick does make me happy. He really does.”

His eyebrow raised just a fraction at that, but Ike chose that moment to come barreling through the door, half our crew on his heels.

“Well, I’ll let you get back to your… game,” he said with a smirk. He stood up to speak to Ike, and I beat a hasty retreat to the lounge.

I knew I had just dodged a massive bullet. I knew it would come for me again, too. I didn’t know how long I could continue to dodge it before I finally lost the battle. When I stepped into the lounge and saw Carrick sitting there with an xBox controller in one hand and a bowl in the other, my stomach dropped again. But when he smiled up at me, seemingly oblivious to my inner turmoil, I all but forgot my worries.


	12. Chapter 12

**_Carrick_ **

The day after Tay found out about Zac and me was a little tense. I knew we could trust Tay not to say anything, but Zac was on high alert. I knew he had his reasons, so I chose not to point out that everyone would find out eventually. As soon as we got to the hotel, though, he was able to relax. We actually had a really nice night together; we ordered room service, watched a movie, fooled around, restarted the movie… and then fell asleep together. It felt nice. It felt like couple’s stuff, the kind I hoped I could get used to. Truth be told, I _was_ getting used to it, and it felt better than it ever had with any of my past relationships, male or female.

I woke up early the next morning. Zac was still snoring away, so I slipped out quietly; I figured I’d grab a bite at the hotel coffee shop, and bring him back a muffin or two. When I got down to the lobby I could see Tay sitting by the window, sipping a coffee. I had a feeling he’d have a few things to say to me, so I braced myself and headed over.

“Morning,” I said, sliding into the seat across from him.

“Oh hey, Carrick.” 

“So, how’s the coffee here?”

“It’s okay,” he said with a shrug. “Can’t wait to be back home with my Keurig, though,” he added with a laugh. “So…” He gave me a look, and I could see the questions coming. “You and Zac, huh?”

“Yep. Big surprise, right?” I laughed, and Tay nodded.

“Yeah… So, I have to ask, how did that start?”

I took a deep breath, debating how much to tell him. I didn’t know if he knew about Zac’s divorce, but with the fact that he hadn’t brought up the soon-to-be-ex, I assumed he probably did. “To be honest? First day of the tour.”

“Oh.” His eyes went wide, and his head tilted. “So, it _was_ what it looked like, then?”

“Umm… no, that was just us roughhousing. But that’s kinda what kicked it off, I guess. Long story short, we, umm… well, we were smoking, and one thing led to another…” I chuckled and ran a hand through my hair as I remembered the game of chicken we’d played.

“And then what happened?” Tay leaned forward in his seat, looking surprisingly… interested. I shrugged; he didn’t need to know the messy details of how we’d gone back and forth before coming to a decision.

“Well, the next day we talked about it and decided we’d both wanted this for a while. And now, there’s nothing stopping us from seeing where it goes.”

“That’s… really sweet, actually.” Taylor smiled, taking another sip of his coffee. “I’m really glad you’re okay with the arrangement. Zac seems really happy.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not perfect. And it’s tough sometimes, being patient. But I really think it’s worth it. I was worried at first, but… Well, you know how stubborn Zac can be.” We both laughed at that, and Taylor nodded.

“I’ll say. He’s not the easiest to deal with as a brother and a bandmate… I can only imagine having to deal with an even… closer… relationship.”

“He’s a handful, that’s for sure.” I pause, catching my innuendo too late. Tay’s face went bright red, and I let out a laugh at his embarrassment. 

“Anyway… I’m really hoping this break will be good for us. I know Zac hasn’t been able to make much progress from the road, but being back in town, hopefully he and Kate will be able to work things out.”

“Hmm?” His brow furrowed and he tilted his head to the side. 

“I guess Kate hasn’t been answering her phone lately. Makes it kinda hard to set appointments when you can’t get a hold of the other person. Sounds pretty selfish if you ask me, but then I’ve honestly never really liked that bitch anyway.”

“Umm… yeah, I’ve always gotten the impression the feeling was pretty mutual. But what was that about appointments?”

“Yeah, with a lawyer. I don’t know if it’s something they have to do together, or if Zac can just do his part without her; I don’t really know how it works in Oklahoma. Not that I know much about divorce proceedings in Cali, either,” I added with a chuckle.

“I’m--I’m sorry, what did you say?” Tay stared at me, his eyes wide. 

“Oh… shit. Umm… I kinda just assumed he’d told you. Fuck…”

“Wait, wait… Zac and Kate are getting a _divorce_?”

“Look, just don’t tell him I told you, okay? I just figured you’d know about it, considering your wives are bff’s or whatever.”

“But that’s not…” He stopped, his face the picture of confusion. Did he really have no idea his brother’s marriage was ending? He muttered something under his breath, then downed the rest of his coffee in one gulp. “Listen, I gotta go… umm… I just gotta go. I’ll see you later, okay?”

“Umm… yeah, sure. See ya.” I watched Tay dash off, completely confused. He hadn’t just seem surprised by the news, he seemed… disbelieving. 

All those red flags I thought I’d managed to get rid of suddenly started popping up again. I felt a pit in my stomach, and suddenly I wasn’t hungry at all. I needed to talk to Zac, if for no other reason than to give him a heads up that I’d spilled the beans on his apparently secret divorce. Something didn’t feel right about this whole thing, and this time, I was going to find out why.

****

**_Zac_ **

I stretched my arms above my head, reveling in the feeling of the king-sized hotel bed Carrick and I had shared the night before. The hotel had been short on double rooms, and I didn’t think anyone but Taylor had thought anything of Carrick and I opting to share one bed. There was still a warm spot next to me; he’d woken up only a few minutes ago, but I decided sleeping in was more important than breakfast.

As soon as Carrick had kissed me goodbye, I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep, but I knew I couldn’t stay in bed all day, no matter how nice it sounded. This wasn’t technically a day off; we had a radio appearance later that day, followed by another one and an early morning television taping the next day. After that, we were in for a long drive back to Tulsa where we would at least get a few days break after our only hometown show of the tour.

Given that we were so close to our return home, I knew I needed to call Kate. I rolled over and checked the time on my phone. It wasn’t _that_ early, even for a Sunday, and I knew she didn’t always go to church when I was away from home. She said it was because she needed my help to wrangle the kids, but I thought it also had something to do with how she never had been all that comfortable with the other women in the family. They got along well enough, but they weren’t best friends; other than Natalie, none of them would go out of their way to spend any time together.

Whether she was going to church or not, I knew it wasn’t really too early to call--although that would have been an easy excuse--and we did need to figure out the logistics of this brief stop back home. With those thoughts in mind, I picked up my phone and scrolled down until I found her name on the recent calls list. It seemed to be moving farther and farther down that list. With a heavy sigh, I hit call and listened to the line ring.

And ring… and ring… and ring…

“Hello?” A small voice said. I instantly recognized it as Shepherd’s. I sat up quickly, both alarmed and glad that we had started teaching him phone etiquette earlier in the summer.

“Shep, buddy, where’s Mommy? Is everything okay?” 

“Hi, Daddy,” he replied cheerfully. “Mommy’s in the bathroom.”

“Okay,” I said, letting out a breath. “But she’s okay. Right?”

There was a slight pause. “I don’t know. Want me to ask her? She’s gettin’ ready for our playdate.”

“Playdate?” I repeated. 

“Yeah, we’re going to the park with Emily and Trevor.” 

I racked my brain, trying to remember where in the world I had heard those names before. Shepherd was in his second year of preschool and I was a horrible father would couldn’t keep track of all of his friends. Finally, I remembered the little girl Kate said he had a crush on and replied, “Emily from your class? Who’s Trevor, buddy? Is he new?”

“No, he’s Emily’s daddy,” Shepherd replied, almost sounding amused at my ignorance. “Mommy said it was okay to call him Trevor. He’s really cool; he’s teachin’ me how to play baseball.”

Well, nothing about _that_ sounded suspicious at all. Another man hanging out with my kids, charming them with his superior athletic abilities? Kate insisting they call him by his first name? And to top it all off, Kate never mentioning _any_ of this to me?

The fact that I was truly no better than her only briefly crossed my mind. I was too busy seeing red over the fact that she had involved our children in this to care that I was a massive hypocrite.

“Daddy? Are you still there, Daddy?”

“Yeah, son, I’m here.”

“I _said_ , do you want to talk to Mommy?” He asked, sounding more exasperated than any five year old had the right to be.

“No,” I replied quickly. “That’s okay, buddy. I’m too busy to talk much right now. Tell you what, let’s keep this phone call our little secret, okay? You don’t even need to tell Mommy I called. I’ll talk to her later.”

“Okay,” Shepherd replied, and I thanked god that he was too young to understand what was happening at all. He was, both fortunately and unfortunately, too young to question any of this. 

“I’ll talk to you later, buddy.”

“Bye, Daddy.”

I didn’t have a chance to say anything else before the line went dead. At least his phone etiquette was pretty good, even if he had no clue what a bomb he had just dropped on me. Of course he didn’t. He was just a kid.

And maybe I was reading too much into things, but I really didn’t think so. I tossed my phone down and stood up, pacing the floor a bit as I debated what Shep had just told me. Why would Kate need to spend time getting ready for something as simple and innocent as a playdate? Plus, I remembered this Trevor. He was a single dad to an adorable little girl, and all the moms loved him. I hated him already.

Everything was starting to make sense--Kate’s cancelled plans, her quickness to accuse me, even the fact that she had gone back on the pill without really discussing it with me. Just how long had this been going on? I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.

What I did know, I realized, was that it would now be so, so much easier to get out. Infidelity was an undeniable reason for divorce; the fact that I had cheated too almost didn’t matter. The point was that there could be no debate, no second guessing that it was over. It would be so much easier to draw the line in the sand and finally be able to move on with Carrick.

So why wasn’t I happier about this revelation?

I vaguely registered the sound of a key card beeping in the lock. The door opened with a muffled _woosh_.

“Hey, babe?” Carrick said. “Oh, good, you’re here.”

I paused in my tracks, glancing up to see Carrick peeking around the corner. “Huh? Yeah, I’m here.”

There was a slight but noticeable frown on his face. “So, I was talking to Tay just now, and… well, I think I might’ve messed up.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, tilting my head at him. What could Taylor and Carrick possibly have been talking about? It couldn’t have been worse than what I had just discovered. And yet, the look on Carrick’s face somehow said that it was.

He sighed and took a few steps closer to me. “I had no idea you hadn’t told him about the divorce. I mean, with Nat and Kate being so close, I just assumed… I’m sorry. He knows now, and I don’t know how you feel about that.”

“What… uh, what did Tay say?” I asked, hoping that my voice didn’t register any alarm. Maybe it _could_ be worse. Maybe there wasn’t a limit at all to how deep into this hole I could dig myself.

Carrick sat down on the edge of the bed. “Well, we were talking about our break, and he said something about our _arrangement_ , so I figured--not really sure what he meant, actually--anyway, when I told him I thought he’d known, he jumped up and ran. Seemed really… surprised.”

He looked up at me as though there was any way I could explain all of that. He had to know that I couldn’t. Not in any way that wouldn’t end with him hating me. But he couldn’t possibly know that I had potentially even bigger problems to worry about. I had no doubt Tay had run off to call his wife, who would tell my wife, who--what _would_ my wife have to say about that? Could she really defend herself, knowing what she had done? 

I stared down at Carrick, trying to clear all of that from my mind and focus only on the issue at hand--reassuring Carrick that nothing was wrong even when everything was falling apart. “Well, he--I mean, you know he’s been weird all tour. Who knows what he’s thinking now? But it’s not like… I mean, it’s not something you broadcast, you know? Not with the way our family gossips.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Carrick replied, eying me as though if he just stared enough he could see all of my unsaid thoughts. “Still, he acted like he had no idea you guys were even having problems. It just felt… like what I was saying was coming completely from left field.”

“Well, why _would_ he know?” I asked, running a hand through my hair. “I don’t know what Kate tells Nat, but I’m not going around airing my dirty laundry to everyone.”

“Okay, okay.” Carrick let out a breath, but I could see there was still suspicion in his eyes. “Just seemed kinda weird to me, but hey, that’s your family. I’m sorry I spilled the beans, I guess.”

I sighed. “Look, I’m not--you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not mad at you or anything. Really. But you’re right, my family is just weird and I just… I’ve just got a lot on my mind right now. That’s all.”

Carrick stood up. “Yeah… I’m sure. Anyway, I’m going to go take a walk or something. I’ll see you before your interview?”

“Yeah, that’s… that’s fine. I need to take a shower, I think. Clear my mind a bit.” I took a hesitant step toward him. “We’re okay, right?”

He gave me a serious look, and for a moment I feared he would walk out without another word. Finally, he stepped in and kissed me. “I love you.”

“Love you, too,” I replied, pulling back and giving him a smile.

He gave me another look, but didn’t speak again. I watched him walk out of the room before I exhaled again, hard. It hadn’t passed me by that he had not, technically, said we were okay. Sure, he loved me, and I loved him. But that didn’t mean we were going to make it through this, and I was beginning to suspect that what I saw as my opportunity to escape my marriage was going to be anything but simple.

I was on autopilot as I made my way to the bathroom and stepped into the shower. The hot water did nothing to soothe me; if anything, it only made my blood boil more. In truth, I had no one to be upset with but myself; I couldn’t even really be angry with Kate for doing the same thing I had done. What made either of us think we could keep up all of these lies for much longer?

Maybe I was a little bit angry with Taylor, once I really thought about it. If he ran his mouth, and I was sure he had, then all my lies would unravel before Kate’s. On the other hand… what might his wife have to tell him? What if Kate’s secrets had only been secret to me? What if the whole family was laughing at me behind my back? 

So maybe I wasn’t only angry with myself.

I had just stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my waist when I heard a knock at the door.

“Zac, you in there?” Taylor’s voice was muffled slightly by the door, but I could still hear the urgency in it.

Making sure my towel was securely in place, I opened the door with my other hand. “Yeah, I’m here. What do you want?”

He gave me a quick glance, then shook his head as if trying to remove the half-naked image of me from it. “We need to talk. Can I come in?”

“Sure, why not?” I stepped back to let him inside, crossing my hands over my chest as the door closed behind him.

Taylor took a few steps into the room, pacing around in a few nervous circles before finally addressing me. “Zac, what the hell is going on?”

“I’m kind of wondering that myself lately, to be honest.”

Taylor just stared at me, one eyebrow raised. Of course he was going to be obtuse and make this more difficult than it had to be. That was his specialty.

“Look, I know what you and Carrick talked about,” I explained. “And if I know you, you called Nat right afterward. Right?”

“Okay, so?” He asked, his voice defensive but the step he took away from me telling a different story.

“And what, she didn’t have any gossip? Nothing at all?”

Taylor gave an exasperated sigh. “Actually, no. She had no idea you guys were even having problems.”

“I find that hard to believe. I know how her and Kate are. She didn’t know _anything_?”

“I mean, she said Kate had been cancelling plans a lot lately,” Taylor replied, his face scrunching up in a frown as he seemed to struggle to think of all his wife had said. “Now she knows that was to meet with lawyers or whatever, right? She’s actually really hurt Kate didn’t tell her, because they’ve always been so close.”

“Yeah, well, turns out Kate’s been keeping a lot of secrets lately.”

“She’s not the only one, apparently,” Taylor shot back.

I groaned. “Look, that’s not the point right now, okay? I know I’m not any better than her. Trust me, I know. But if you could not go around gossiping about us, that would be great.”

“She… doesn’t know about Carrick.” Taylor’s eyes widened as realization seemed to dawn on him. I supposed I had given him reason to think Kate might have known about my affair, but what did that have to do with anything? _My_ affair wasn’t the issue right then.

“I didn’t--we weren’t even talking about that!” I stuttered out. “I’m talking about you and your wife, and your two person gossip factory. And I swear, if you know something and you’re not telling me, I… well, I don’t know what I’ll do.”

“Wait, wait,” Taylor said, shaking his head. “Know something about what?”

I sighed heavily. Did he really not know? Is that why we were seemingly going in circles, hardly even talking about the same thing? “You’ve never heard of someone named Trevor? Not at all?”

“Who the hell is Trevor?”

“The guy who’s teaching my son how to play baseball,” I replied through gritted teeth. “And god knows _what_ he’s teaching my wife.”

Taylor’s eyes widened to practically the size of saucers. “Wait… what?”

I clapped a hand against my forehead. He really didn’t know, and I had just played my entire hand. I gave him a stern look, pointing a finger at his face. “You breathe one word, I swear. One word.”

“So,” Tay said, collapsing onto the bed. “Let me see if I’ve got this straight. You and Kate are getting a divorce, you’ve been seeing someone else, but you’re pissed because… she has, too?”

I sat down next to him. “Look, Carrick may have gotten the wrong idea about how close Kate and I were to a divorce. And that _may_ be my fault. I knew it was bad, I did, but I didn’t… I didn’t know _how_ bad.”

“Oh, Zac…” Taylor said, giving me a surprisingly sympathetic look, his teeth digging into his bottom lip so hard I thought he might draw blood. He was probably just trying not to tell me all he really thought about me and how much of a worthless asshole I was.

“I know I fucked up, okay? I don’t want a lecture or anything.”

He sprawled out across the bed, rolling onto his side to face me. His voice soft and low, he replied, “I know; I’m not going to. I think I’m the last person who should be giving relationship advice anyway.”

“Yeah, well, at least your marriage has honesty going for it. Maybe a little too much of it sometimes.”

“We’ve learned not to ask too many questions,” he replied with a shrug. Giving me a long look, he added, “Zac, I… I had no idea you were even…”

I curled up onto the bed, doing my best to keep my towel in place. I didn’t have to guess what Taylor had meant, and maybe it was a little ridiculous that, of all people, I had never even confided in him. Looking down at him, I said, “It’s not something I really… explored much before. It was just a fantasy or whatever.”

“So, Carrick’s the first guy you’ve been with?”

“If you mean my first boyfriend, yeah,” I replied. “I mean, everybody experiments when they’re a teenager, right? But I was never really, like, involved with another guy. I never thought about _dating_ a guy before; never really even thought about that many of them, you know, sexually.”

“But you have thought of a few?” Taylor asked, a hint of a smirk crossing his lips.

“Maybe,” I replied, glancing away. I might have fooled around some, but in truth, the only other guy who figured so prominently in my fantasies was _him_. I wasn’t about to admit that, though. In any case, that was really just the stuff of fantasies, and not anything I ever intended to pursue. “Anyway, look, I’m sorry you got involved in this, all these secrets and lies and shit.”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Taylor said. “I’m not mad, I promise. I just wanna be sure you’re okay.”

 

“I’m sure things could be worse. Somehow.” I shook my head. “This is just a big clusterfuck, huh?”

“It really is,” Taylor replied with a laugh. He stretched out across the bed, and I was jealous that he could be so calm, but I supposed he was just a spectator for the disaster my life was quickly becoming. It didn’t directly affect him.

“Yeah, well, you didn’t help things,” I said. “But I know it’s… it’s pretty much all my fault. So I’ve gotta find my own way out of it… somehow.”

“You’ll figure it out,” he replied, giving me a long look and a sigh. “And even if it all goes to shit, at least you’ve got me, right?”

I stared at him. He couldn’t possibly have meant that the way I heard it, but I couldn’t resist cracking something of a joke. “No offense, Tay, but you’re no Carrick.”

He turned bright red. “That’s not what I… you know what I meant.”

“Yeah, I know, I know,” I replied, giving him a weak smile. “And I do appreciate it. You probably will be the only person left on my side if the shit hits the fan. And I probably don’t even deserve that much.”

Tay frowned, sitting up enough to put a hand on my shoulder. “Hey… that’s not true. Yeah, okay, you fucked up… but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve love.”

“Sometimes I wonder,” I replied honestly, my smile falling. “But thanks, Tay. Really.”

“You really don’t give yourself enough credit. You’re really a great guy. Anyone would be lucky to have you.” After a slight pause, just enough to make things a little awkward, he pulled his hand back.

I couldn’t resist smirking and saying, “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were trying to hit on me.”

Taylor’s blush returned, this time even deeper red, and he groaned.

“I’m kidding, Tay,” I said, giggling. “Seriously, I know better than that.”

“Right,” Taylor replied. With a smirk of his own, he added, “I mean, I know you said you read fanfic about us, but that’s different, right?”

“Who said I was reading about _us_?” I replied, pasting an innocent look on my face. I was reasonably certain I hadn’t said that, but the fact that he assumed I had meant _that_ sort of fanfic was pretty telling. “You’re putting words in my mouth now, Tay.”

“I thought you..” Taylor mumbled, his brow furrowing. He stood up quickly. “Umm, nevermind. You probably want to get dressed, so…”

“Yeah…” I glanced down at my towel and the puddle I was leaving on the bed. “Probably shouldn’t go to the interview like this.”

Tay looked me up and down, then glanced away. “Yeah, so, I’m just gonna umm… go…”

“See ya later,” I replied, positive I was missing something in this sudden and hasty exit of his. After a moment, I added, “And Tay? I hate to ask this of you, but please… just don’t say anything else to anyone about… well, any of this.”

“Of course.” He nodded. With just a hint of a smirk, he said, “Your secrets are safe with me. _All_ of them.”

“Thanks, Tay.”

As I watched him walk out of the room, I could only hope he was right. I was really walking on a razor thin wire now, balancing not just my own secrets, but Kate’s, too. I trusted Taylor, but I still couldn’t help feeling like I was almost at the end--of what, I couldn’t say.


	13. Chapter 13

Author’s Note: Thanks to everyone for all the sweet comments on my last ficlet. I had asked for prompts then, and someone suggested foodplay. I’m not so sure this was the pairing they wanted, but hopefully a few of you will like it anyway. I’m just inspired by “Zarrick” lately; I can’t explain it…

* * *

_There was something obscenely hot about watching Zac eat. That was a fact Carrick had accepted long before accepting the rest of how he felt about Zac, and ages before realizing Zac felt the same way._

_It was something he found himself constantly watching, even though he knew, objectively, it wasn’t right. It wasn’t that Zac was a messy eater, per se, but he wasn’t neat and well-mannered, either. Carrick practically drooled when watching Zac spear French fries on his fork, or when he lapped at an ice cream cone like—well, exactly like he sucked Carrick’s dick, as it turned out._

_Being on tour together meant for lots of opportunities to share hotel rooms, and that often meant late night room service orders. Carrick laughed when Zac agonized over what to order before eventually choosing approximately half the menu. Carrick would never object, though, no matter what or how much Zac chose._

_In Vancouver, Zac got a craving for ice cream. But not _just_ ice cream. The biggest goddamn sundae the hotel could make, he said. He said it like it was a challenge, and Carrick supposed that it was._

_Zac was also the sort of person who didn’t believe in wearing clothes within your own home, and while touring, seemed to consider every bus, green room and hotel equivalent to his home. That was why, when Carrick emerged from his shower, he wasn’t surprised to find Zac sitting cross-legged on their bed, wearing nothing but boxer briefs and a smear of strawberry ice cream on his chin._

_Somewhat in spite of himself, Carrick moaned._

_“Come on,” Zac said. “Help yourself. I got two spoons.”_

_That was all the encouragement Carrick needed. He didn’t even bother changing out of his towel before plopping down on the bed and opening his mouth expectantly. Zac didn’t disappoint, although he did aim just a bit to the left of Carrick’s mouth, leaving a sloppy trail of chocolate sauce behind. Carrick’s vision blurred as Zac leaned in and eagerly lapped up the errant sauce, letting out a soft sigh as he did._

_Carrick could feel the stickiness of Zac’s saliva on his cheek, but he hardly cared. He placed his hand on the back of Zac’s neck and pulled him in for a wet kiss that tasted like fudge and whipped cream. As if Zac’s mouth wasn’t already practically on fire, the warm, chocolaty tang of the fudge made Carrick moan._

_He pulled away all too soon, pulling the sundae into his lap. He offered Carrick a spoon, an almost evil grin on his face. Carrick didn’t know what Zac was thinking, but he had evil plans of his own. He dipped the spoon into the ice cream, filling it with all three flavors, and held it up to Zac’s mouth._

_There was a twinkle in Zac’s eyes as he opened his mouth and practically sucked the spoon into it. He pulled back with an audible pop, the spoon licked clean, and Carrick wasted no time leaning in again and crushing his mouth against Zac’s. This time, it was icy cold, making a shiver run all the way down to Carrick’s toes._

_Carrick pulled back reluctantly, this time dipping his spoon into the chocolate sauce. He smeared it across Zac’s lips, letting it just begin to drip down his chin. The contrast between the dark sauce and Zac’s caramel colored skin was almost too much for Carrick to take. Even Zac was trembling as Carrick leaned in and ran his tongue along his parted lips. The sauce had begun to trail down Zac’s jaw and neck, and Carrick followed along its path, not leaving a single drop behind._

_“We’re going to need another shower after this,” Zac murmured, not sounding all to upset about that prospect._

_“Lay back,” Carrick replied._

_Zac did as he was told, eagerly shimmying out of his boxer briefs in the process. As usual, he was at least five steps ahead of Carrick, but Carrick didn’t mind at all. He placed the sundae on the bedside table for safe keeping, then kneeled between Zac’s legs._

_“I don’t know which of us is going to enjoy this more,” Carrick remarked._

_Zac just smirked, and Carrick decided that said it all._

_He dipped the spoon into the ice cream again, but this time, he put the spoon to his own mouth. Zac’s mouth hung slack as Carrick licked the spoon clean, his moves as suggestive as he could make them. Before the icy coldness could dissipate, he leaned down and pressed his lips to Zac’s left nipple. It sprang to life immediately, and Zac let out a low moan to go along with it._

_Carrick lifted his head for just long enough to fill it with ice cream again, letting the sticky sweetness spill out onto Zac’s skin as he sucked and bit at his other nipple. Zac writhed beneath him, and Carrick knew he finally had the upper hand._

_He filled the spoon with chocolate sauce, feeling himself smirking as he drizzled the sauce down Zac’s chest, letting just a bit drip into his navel. Zac’s back arched up off the bed, but Carrick knew that was mostly for effect; the sauce was barely warm at all now. Still, he enjoyed the sight of it, just as he enjoyed the way Zac gasped when his lips made first contact with his stomach. His tongue left behind a shimmery trail where the sauce had been, and although it didn’t permanently mark his territory, Carrick still liked the way it looked._

_Zac’s erection was at full strength now, and Carrick knew he was just dying for it to be touched. Maybe just a bit more teasing, Carrick decided. Zac could withstand it; hell, he probably deserved it._

_He pulled back and put a heaping spoonful of ice cream his mouth, swallowing nearly all of it. With a devilish grin, he lowered his head and wrapped his lips around Zac’s dick. Zac’s hips bucked up so high that Carrick dug his fingernails into them and pushed them back down against the mattress. He was still in control; Zac had to know that._

_Still, Carrick couldn’t resist showing off a bit. He swirled his tongue around Zac’s head until he was writhing beneath him, then reached two fingers up and pressed them against Zac’s lips. Zac took the hint, his mouth still burning hot against Carrick’s flesh. Carrick could only take so much before he was ready to replace his fingers with his dick, but he resisted that urge._

_Instead, he pressed his fingers against Zac’s entrance, meeting just enough resistance to make Zac let out a soft whine. Carrick practically lived for the sounds Zac made, and he was sure Zac knew it. He wouldn’t call him on that, though; he would just do whatever he could to draw out more of the sounds he loved so much._

_“Carrick, please.”_

_And that. That was his favorite sound of all._

_But he wouldn’t give in. Not yet. He continued thrusting his fingers in and out, only a pale imitation of what he knew Zac really wanted. With shaky hands, Zac reached for the sundae and filled his mouth with chocolate ice cream. Carrick took the hint, slithering up his body and letting his tongue snake inside Zac’s mouth to taste the sweetness. Still, his fingers continued their movements, preparing Zac for what they both truly wanted._

_“Please,” Zac repeated, and Carrick decided it was cruel to leave him waiting any longer. In any case, Carrick himself could barely stand the anticipation._

_With shaky hands, he positioned himself over Zac, who eagerly bent his knees and lifted his hips. Carrick didn’t know what he had done to find someone like Zac, someone so eager and who could match his libido at every turn, but he resolved right then to never take it for granted. With that thought in mind, he eased slowly into Zac, not caring that it was practically torture not to just have his way with him. But something had changed, and this wasn’t that sort of sex. The important thing wasn’t the physical pleasure, although there was plenty of that. The important thing was the connection and chemistry they shared._

_On the other hand, there was something to be said for giving in to his desires, and from the look on Zac’s face, Carrick was sure he wouldn’t complain at all._

_He took only a second to catch his breath, then braced his hands on the mattress on either side of Zac’s head. Zac grinned up at him, and that grin never left his face even as Carrick began to thrust shamelessly into him. The only sound in the room was the sound of flesh on flesh, its own sort of carnal music. Carrick idly wondered if he’d ever write a song that quite captured that sound or feeling. He doubted it._

_“Oh, god, Care.”_

_And there it was; the perfect harmony to the music they created between the two of them. Once again, Zac was right in time, or maybe even a few steps ahead of Carrick. It didn’t matter, though. All that mattered was that they were together._

_Carrick rested his head against Zac’s shoulder as he continued to thrust into him, only vaguely aware of the stream of curse words leaving his own mouth. It hardly made sense, but that was irrelevant. Zac would understand him, no matter what._

_“So close…” Carrick mumbled, vaguely pleased with himself for being able to form what passed for a complete sentence._

_“Yes,” Zac breathed out, his hair spread out like a halo on the pillow. “Love you, Care.”_

_There would be time later to worry about how pathetic it was that _that_ was what put Carrick over the edge. But right then, it really didn’t matter. All that mattered was the boy writhing beneath him, legs wrapped in a vice-like grip around his thighs._

_Carrick snaked a hand in between their bodies and gave Zac’s dick a few quick tugs, knowing he was already close enough that it wouldn’t take more than that. Sure enough, only seconds after Carrick felt the tingles start at the tips of his toes, Zac came unraveled as well, letting out a loud moan as he filled Carrick’s hand with a stream of hot come._

_Carrick collapsed on top of Zac, laughing contentedly, not even bothering to pull out._

_“I should be offended that sex with me makes you laugh,” Zac murmured._

_“You probably should be,” Carrick replied. “But you love me anyway.”_

_“I suppose do.”_

_Zac’s hand crept between their bodies, and Carrick wasn’t at all sure what he was doing until he lifted it and pressed a come-coated finger to Carrick’s lips. Carrick rolled his eyes, but licked it clean, then lifted his own hand and lapped up the rest of Zac’s mess. He laughed again at the look on Zac’s face, knowing that if they hadn’t had a concert that night, Zac might very well be ready for round two._

_Carrick, however, was not. Trying to keep up with Zac, musically and sexually, was proving that he wasn’t anywhere near as young as he used to be. He tried to ignore the way his bones creaked as he finally pulled himself off his boyfriend and shuffled off to the bathroom._

_He finished cleaning himself off quickly, then stood in front of the mirror. He hardly recognized the man in front of him, but not in a bad way. Sure, there were a few more wrinkles, but most of those were laugh lines, which he could easily attribute to Zac’s influence. The big difference, he decided, was his smile._

_He just wasn’t so jaded anymore. He wasn’t sure when that had happened, either, but he was sure he could also thank Zac for that._

_He wouldn’t, though. Zac didn’t need any more reasons to be conceited._

_Finally, Carrick pulled on his discarded boxers and walked back into the room. He shouldn’t have been surprised by what he saw on the bed, and yet he was. Zac sat crossed legged, having at least put his boxer briefs on again, with the now entirely melted sundae in front of him. There was a smear of chocolate on his cheek, and he gave Carrick a wiggle of his eyebrows as he bit into the banana._

_“Really, Zac?” Carrick asked._

_Zac just grinned and grabbed the cherry, popping it into his mouth. Seconds later, he held out his tongue, a perfectly tied cherry resting on the end of it._

_“Only you, Zac,” Carrick replied. “Only you.”_

_“But you love me anyway,” Zac said, echoing Carrick’s words to him, then pulling out the cherry and tossing it to Carrick._

_Carrick caught it with one hand, and realized he couldn’t argue with Zac at all. God help him, he _did_ love Zac. Maybe even more than Zac knew._


	14. Chapter 14

_**Carrick** _

From the minute we rolled into Tulsa, I had a bad feeling. It was that kind of weight in your stomach, when you just _know_ something is going to go horribly wrong, but you have no idea what. I did my best to ignore it all morning, but the closer we got to our destination, the stronger it got. And the worst part was, while I couldn’t possibly predict the details, I had a pretty good idea what it centered around.

“Hey, Tay,” I said, slipping into the booth across from him. He was on his laptop as usual, but closed it and gave me his full attention.

“Hey, Carrick. What’s up?”

“I need a favor.” I looked out the window for a second at the rolling green hills passing by. “Do you think it’d be cool if I stayed with you during the break?”

“I… yeah, of course. Is everything… okay?” There was something in the way he looked at me, something a lot like sympathy. The feeling in my stomach grew a little worse, but I shook my head and smiled.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. I just figured Zac… well, him and Kate probably have a lot to talk about. Probably a good idea to give them some space.”

“R-right…” There was that look again, as he nodded slowly. “Yeah, sure. You know you’re always welcome at our place,” he added with a smile that seemed almost natural.

“Right.” I chewed my lip for a second, debating the pros and cons of just voicing my concerns; if there was anyone I could trust to be honest with me, it was Taylor. Well, him and Zac… maybe. But the more I thought about it, the less confident I felt about what kind of answer I’d receive. 

“Okay. Thanks, Tay. For that, and just… for being a good friend, I guess.”

“Of course,” he replied, with a much more genuine smile. He was an alright guy. If I hadn’t fallen for Zac years ago, I might have even crushed on him a little. Small consolation, but at least he was there for me when I needed him. And I had a sinking feeling that wasn’t too far off.

A couple hours later, the sprawling fields and cattle ranches started to give way to the outskirts of civilization. Everyone was doing their own thing; Taylor was packing up his cameras and other electronics from the spare bunks, Isaac was sitting in the back reading, and Zac was up front, scrolling on his phone. 

“Hey,” I said as I took a seat and set a can of soda on the table in front of him. “So, I was thinking.”

“Huh? About what?” He looked up and tucked his phone in his pocket. He smiled at me, so sweetly, that it almost made the knot in my stomach go away… almost. I took a deep breath and stared down at my hands.

“I’m… gonna crash at Tay’s. Give you and Kate some time to… work stuff out.”

“Oh,” he replied, sounding surprised. “I mean, I just thought… you always stay with me.”

 _You always stay with me._ Even though he’d meant the words literally, their metaphorical truth hit me deep. I always stood by him, no matter how many fights we had, how many times we’d butted heads; how many times he’d taken our friendship for granted. Sure, I’d walked away before, but never for very long, and we both knew it every time.

“I know,” I said, nodding. The disappointment on his face was endearing as ever, and I couldn’t help smiling a little, despite the conflicting thoughts. “I just figured, me being around might make things… complicated. You’ll call me though, right? When things are… settled?” I didn’t want to say the word ‘divorce’. I didn’t want to see whatever his reaction to it would be, if any. If that was chicken of me, oh well. 

“I guess,” he replied, heaving a sigh. “That makes sense. Probably not a good idea to have you two under the same roof right now. Maybe… maybe we can get together later or something?”

“Of course. You know where to find me.”

“Yeah.” He gave me another smile, but there was a hesitance to it. “I’ll, umm, I’ll give you a call?”

“Sure.” I leaned over to give him a kiss; it was simple and sweet, like our relationship should have been. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that nothing is ever simple.

****

_**Zac** _

I was in something of a daze for the rest of the trip back to Oklahoma. It wasn’t just the revelation of Kate’s affair; something else was nagging at me, and I couldn’t quite figure out what. I never really believed in premonitions or anything. But I knew that something bad was about to happen, and there probably wasn’t anything I could do to stop it.

It didn’t really surprise me that Carrick didn’t want to stay at my house while we were in Tulsa. I could see how awkward that would be, even leaving everything with Kate aside. And what sort of asshole would I be if I brought my boyfriend into the house I shared with my wife? Even I had some limits. I knew I was an asshole, but I didn’t think I was _that_ much of an asshole.

It did bother me, though. I could feel him pulling away from me, even though I couldn’t fully understand why. Still, I was sure it was happening. I wasn’t imagining it. The fact that he had made plans, without me, to stay at Taylor’s only solidified my belief that things still weren’t all right between me and Carrick.

After talking to him about his plans, I briefly considered texting my wife. I supposed she did need to know when to expect me back at home. Then again, did I really owe her that courtesy? After what I had just learned about her… I wasn’t so sure that I did.

I tucked my phone back into my pocket and instead called out to Bex to see if I could hitch a ride home with her. She huffed and puffed and pretended I would really be putting her out, but after a moment she agreed.

All too soon, we were back in Tulsa, unloading the bus. I tried not to notice how Carrick immediately glued himself to Taylor’s side, barely even taking time to say goodbye to me before we parted ways. Then again, a goodbye would have felt too final. We would see each other before this little break in the tour was over. Wouldn’t we? I was becoming less and less certain with every second that passed.

The drive back to my house was fast, fast enough that I really didn’t have much time to plan out how I would confront Kate… or if I would. Maybe her guilty conscience would be eating her up inside and she would admit to her indiscretions before I could even hint that I knew about them. Maybe somehow everything would just work out the way it was supposed to.

Then again, maybe not.

Bex offered to help me unload my suitcases, but I declined. I had only brought two of my smaller bags back with me, and I could lug those into the house on my own. As for the house, it was eerily quiet, the sound of the door slamming behind me the only thing breaking the silence at all. I walked through the laundry room, into the kitchen. No one. No noises at all.

The kitchen was a mess, which wasn’t really like Kate at all; at least, it wasn’t like her when I was gone. She often claimed that I was the cause of all the messes in our house, and she was probably right about that. Except right then. The counter was covered in dirty dishes, and the sink was piled high with them. Three things stood out to me immediately—an empty wine bottle and two dirty glasses. I didn’t know much about wine, but I knew that had been an expensive bottle, one we had splurged on but hadn’t found an opportunity to open.

Apparently Kate had found an opportunity, and seized it.

Before I really had time to analyze that, I finally heard the sound of tiny footsteps headed down the stairs, followed shortly after by Shepherd and Junia calling out.

“Daddy, Daddy!” Junia flung herself at me, wrapping her tiny arms around my legs with such force that I nearly fell over. 

I grabbed the edge of the counter to steady myself. “Hey, baby girl. Where’s Mommy?”

“Right here,” Kate said, appearing out of thin air to lean against the doorframe. 

She looked harried, like the kids were driving her nuts, but part of me wondered if it was just an act. Maybe I was being too hard on her. I glanced back at the wine glasses. Maybe I wasn’t.

I turned back to Kate, and the look on her face said it all. It wasn’t guilt, exactly; I couldn’t quite put a name to it. But I knew that my suspicions were true. 

“Kids,” she said. “Why don’t you go find those drawings you did for Daddy? You were really excited to show him, right?”

They scampered off then, thankfully not suspicious at all. I stared at Kate, hoping she would speak first, but after a long, awkward pause I finally accepted that she wasn’t going to.

“You’re cheating on me,” I said, hating how dumb I sounded. Of course she was. Why did it even need to be said?

She crossed her arms over her chest. “Don’t say it like that. That sounds so… so tawdry.”

“Well, isn’t it?” 

“It is what it is,” she replied, shrugging. “What are you expecting here? You obviously already know, or think you know, what’s happening. So what do you want me to say, Zac?”

“I had imagined you might start with an apology,” I said honestly. 

“An apology? For what, Zac?” Kate asked, raising an eyebrow accusingly. “I’m sorry you found out however you found out, but that’s all I can say. Are you _really_ surprised? You talk about wanting another kid, but when was the last time you even touched me?”

“I’ve been on tour, Katie. I’m good, but not that good.” 

She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, and you’re barely here even when you are physically present.”

“So you’re blaming me for this,” I said, swallowing around the lump in my throat. Was I any better than her? Of course not. But I couldn’t understand this at all. She showed no remorse whatsoever. No emotion. Nothing.

“No, I’m telling you that you shouldn’t be surprised. That this was bound to happen. We’re not working out, Zac. We haven’t been for a long time. Don’t tell me you didn’t see that.” 

“I didn’t,” I replied weakly. 

But I had, hadn’t I? At least, that was what I had told Carrick. But it wasn’t like this at all, not even in my lies.

“I think… I think I should probably go,” I finally managed to croak out. “I’ll stay at the old apartment, I guess. But this isn’t over.”

“Actually, I would say it is,” Kate shot back.

“Yeah,” I replied. “I guess it is.”

I picked up my suitcases slowly, almost hoping she would stop me and tell me this was all a joke. But I knew it wasn’t. This was really it—the end of my marriage. I didn’t know why that bothered me so much, when I had spent weeks assuring Carrick it already was over, when I really didn’t even know how right I was. I supposed it was the fact that none of this was on my terms that bothered me. I thought I had everything under control, but it was clear that I didn’t, not at all.

I walked to my truck in a fog, loaded the suitcases in the back and climbed into the driver's seat. I stared back at the house, trying to understand what had happened just then. I knew, deep down, that I had no right to be angry with Kate, especially when what I had done was just as bad. Not that I would ever admit that to her, of course. Then again, I wasn’t so sure it would even hurt her to find out I had cheated.

She was just so… matter of fact. Emotionless. We were simply over, end of story, no questions asked. Well, I had a lot of questions, but no one to ask.

Not knowing what else to do, I pulled my phone from my pocket and scrolled through my recent calls until I found the name I was looking for, the only one I thought could possibly help me make sense of my life right then. 

Carrick.

****

_**Carrick** _

When we got into Tulsa, I kept my goodbye to Zac brief. Not that we had much time anyway; as soon as the bus stopped everyone started grabbing their bags and splitting off to their waiting cars and/or wives. Kate wasn’t there, but I don’t think anyone had expected her to be. Natalie was, but Taylor let me know he’d called ahead, and she welcomed me with open arms. I’d always liked Natalie, despite all the rumors. However she and Taylor had started, they made a good team, and she had a good heart.

It didn’t take me long to get settled in their guest room, and after that I was pulled into the kitchen for lunch with the whole family. It made for a great distraction, as I listened to the kids update daddy on every little thing they’d done over the past couple months. 

Unfortunately, the distraction didn’t last long enough. Once lunch was over the kids ran off to play, Taylor and Natalie retreated to the living room to watch a movie, and I was left to my own devices. I thought about watching something on the tv in the guest room, but after flipping channels for a bit I turned it off. I checked my watch, surprised at how early in the afternoon it was. 

I wondered what Zac was doing, and then chided myself for being so pathetic. But when my phone rang, Zac’s personal ringtone echoing in the quiet room, I picked it up almost immediately.

“Hey,” I breathed out, trying not to sound as desperate as I felt.

“H-hey, Care,” he said, his voice broken, and my heart sank.

“You okay?”

“I just… I just need to see you. Can we… I don’t know, meet up or something?”

“Yeah, of course. You want me to come over?” I wasn’t sure if Taylor would be able to give me a ride, but I could always take a cab. Or just walk.

“No!” he practically yelped, and I blinked. “I mean, no, that’s not… _I_ don’t even want to be here right now.”

“Um… okay…” Something was very, very wrong. Maybe they’d had a fight, or something, but he was obviously upset. I could practically hear the tears in his voice. “Well, I’m still at Tay’s, so you wanna come get me?”

“Yeah,” he said after a sniffle. “I can do that. I’ll be there in a few.”

“I love you,” I said softly, as if those words could fix anything. I was starting to realize they couldn’t, not all the time.

“Love you, too,” he replied, his voice breaking, and then the line went dead.

I let out a deep breath. I felt nauseous, the anxiety from the morning returning all at once. I tried to keep myself calm, but there were too many warning signs, too many pieces that were starting to line up. I went out to the living room, keeping an eye on the window. Taylor and Natalie looked up, and in Tay’s eyes I saw the same sympathy from before. Part of me wished I had talked to him about it that morning, but it was too late now. I got a text from Zac saying he was there, and with a quick nod to Tay and Nat, I headed outside.

I smiled despite my worries as I walked up to his truck, but as soon as I opened the door it flipped to a deep frown. Zac looked horrible, his hair slightly mussed, his eyes red and watery.

“Babe? What’s wrong?”

“Everything?” he offered, looking over. I hopped into the truck and pulled him into a hug, rubbing his back. “It’s okay, babe, I’m here. It’ll be okay.”

“I just… I just don’t see how it can be,” he said, tensing up.

“What happened?” I sat back in my seat to look at him; he sniffled, hiccupping a bit as he tried to answer.

“I… I mean, I know I’m just as bad, I do. But like, she didn’t even try to deny it or hide it, or anything.”

“Try to deny what?”

“Kate, she… she was…” He turned away, staring out the window. “For months. She’s been seeing this guy.”

“Oh.” It wasn’t what I’d expected to hear at all. “But… I mean, that sucks, but like…” I frowned; something wasn’t adding up. Zac looked… heartbroken. “You were already splitting up, so…”

Zac didn’t say anything, but a few tears started to roll down his cheeks. I reached over to wipe them away, my heart aching for him, even though I was growing more confused by the moment.

“Hey, that just means it should go pretty quick, right?”

“Yeah, well.” He closed his eyes for a moment, still staring straight ahead when he opened them again. “She made it very clear that it won’t be contested or anything. I guess she and _Trevor_ have it all figured out already.”

“I thought _you_ had it figured out already.”

“I thought I did too,” he said softly, hanging his head.

“I feel like I’m missing something here.” I pulled back, and even I couldn’t ignore the edge in my own voice. “Been feeling like that for a while, actually.”

“I don’t… I don’t know what to tell you.” He looked at me finally, but with a blank stare I couldn’t begin to read. He was hiding something, I was positive of it now, more than ever.

“How about the truth?” I snapped, narrowing my eyes.

“What do you want to know? My marriage is officially over. That’s supposed to be good news for us, isn’t it?”

“Right… officially.” I stared at him, turning the word over in my mind. “Because before, it… wasn’t?”

“It… I mean…”

And there it was. Suddenly, everything made far too much sense. I felt sick.

“It what, Zac.”

“Does it even matter now?” he asked, his dejected, almost desperate tone in stark contrast to my own emotionless, almost robotic deadpan. “It’s over. Done. Finished. Nothing standing in our ay but the paperwork.”

“I thought that was where we started,” I said, my voice cracking on the final word.

The guilt was painted on his face clear as day as he stared back at me. The air between us thickened, the silence deafening. 

“I… Care, I just. I love you so much. That’s true, you have to know that’s true.”

“Zac.” I couldn’t breathe. There was a weight on my chest, pressing harder and harder with every word he said. “Please, just… the truth. _All_ of it.”

He closed his eyes, a few more tears squeezing out from under his lashes. I felt the ever-present urge to wipe them away, but I resisted. Not this time.

“It wasn’t… Things weren’t as close to being over as I… as I led you to believe. But I swear, I _wanted_ to leave her. I did. I was going to.”

I looked away, a fist to my mouth. I could feel a tear rolling down my own cheek, but I ignored it.

“I never meant to…” he went on, but his voice sounded distant to my ears. “I mean, I know I _did_ mislead you, but everything else… everything about how I feel about you. All of that is the truth, I swear.”

I closed my eyes, but that didn’t stop the tears from falling. I tried to swallow past the lump in my throat. “You lied to me,” I whispered, my voice breaking anyway.

“I… I guess I did.”

“I knew it.” I gave a sad snort, shaking my head. “I didn’t wanna believe, but…”

“But I didn’t… I didn’t do it to hurt you. I was trying, I don’t know, to spare you. Does it even matter? It’s the truth now. My marriage is over.”

I couldn’t do this. 

“Good for you,” I said, my hand already on the door.

“No,” he said, grabbing my arm. “It’s really not. I mean, it’s what I wanted, but not like this. Not if I lose you, too.”

I stared down at his arm, then up at his face, and something in me snapped. The… arrogance. Not only had he played me for a fool the whole time, but he still thought he could have his way. I felt my temperature rise, fury boiling up along with the tears. I yanked my arm out of his grip, surprising both of us.

“You used me, Zac! Took what you wanted, and fuck what anyone else wants.”

“No,” he said, shaking his head and crying again. “No, that wasn’t… that wasn’t it at all. I just… I didn’t know what else to do.”

“Right,” I snapped, a sad laugh coming with the word. “Because telling the truth never occurred to you.”

“And if I had? You made it pretty clear how you felt about me being married.”

“Right. And that would have gotten in the way of you getting what you want. Because that’s what everything is all about, right? Making sure Zac Hanson has his _fucking way_.

“That’s not… I didn’t say that. Why is it so bad that I love you and I want to be with you?”

“You lied to me!” I shouted, loud enough to make him jump. “That’s not love, that’s selfish!”

“Carrick, no… I…”

“Save it for someone dumb enough to believe you.” I shook my head and got out of the truck, pausing with my hand on the door. I glanced back; I couldn’t fully look him in the eye. Not anymore, and maybe… not again. 

“I gave up everything for you,” I said, not caring how broken my voice sounded. I _felt_ broken, in every sense of the word. “That’s the really sad part. I compromised everything I stood for, everything I said I’d never do. Because I loved you.” I paused; the word had come out in past tense, maybe subconsciously. It was too late to take it back… if I even wanted to. I wasn’t sure I did. I wasn’t sure of anything anymore. “Because _that’s_ what love is, Zac. It’s giving yourself up for someone else.”

“I’m… I’m so sorry, Carrick,” he whispered. “I don’t know what else to say or do.”

There wasn’t anything left to be said or done. It was… over. I nodded once, then turned and headed back inside, determined not to let him see me crumble. 

I had no doubt I looked like a mess. Natalie was nowhere to be seen, but Taylor didn’t even try to hide that he’d been watching from the window. He gave me a look of such… pity, that I felt sick all over again. It wasn’t his fault. He actually cared, I knew that much was true. But I had to do this on my own. I’d been stupid enough to fall for Zac’s games, and this was the price I had to pay. 

I managed to make it to the guest room, locking the door behind me, before I let myself fall apart.


	15. Chapter 15

**_Zac_ **

I sat in Taylor’s driveway behind the wheel of my truck for longer than I really want to admit. Carrick had long since disappeared into the house, the door slamming shut behind him. I didn’t start my truck. I just stared into the distance, hoping that the silence would help me to figure out what to do. 

It didn’t.

When I realized Natalie was standing in the window, staring out at me, I decided it was time to leave. I could only imagine what she must be thinking, although she probably didn’t know the truth of my fucked up situation. Then again, I didn’t trust Taylor not to blab everything to her the second he had a chance. 

I couldn’t sit there any longer. I started the truck and peeled out of the driveway with no clue where I was going. I ended up taking a circuitous, longer than necessary route to our old apartment. I had kept it as a place to crash when sleeping in the studio got old, but I supposed it served just as well as a place to stay when I was in the doghouse. 

Was I really, though? Not with my wife; she was the one who had blatantly broken our vows, and didn’t even care that she had. Sure, I had done the same thing. But it was Carrick’s reaction to my lies that mattered. It was the possibility that he might not forgive me and take me back that made an awful pit form deep in my stomach. My marriage could end. It needed to, in fact. I would survive that. What I wasn’t so sure I would survive was losing Carrick and knowing it was all my fault.

The apartment didn’t smell musty, like I expected it to. I wracked my brain to remember if Kate had a key, a perverse part of me wondering if she would have used it as a place to meet her little boyfriend. I decided it didn’t matter either way, and considering what a worthless asshole I was, I deserved to have to sleep in a bed my wife had used to cheat on me.

Instead, I collapsed onto the couch, not caring what time it was, and promptly fell asleep. I slept surprisingly soundly, and when I woke up, I didn’t even know what day it was. I was a little disappointed to find that I had only managed to sleep through dinner time and woken up so hungry that it nearly overpowered the sense of dread I felt. 

There was a decent bar two blocks away that also served edible enough food. The drinks were strong, too, and that was what I really cared about right then, no matter how hungry I was. Right then, the need to eat and the need to dull my brain so that I could forget everything that had happened that day were more or less equal.

By the time I made it to the bar, it was even later, but there wasn’t much of a crowd, probably because it was a weeknight. You had to be really pathetic to go out with the intent of getting trashed on a weeknight. And I was nothing if not pathetic, so there I was, sitting alone at the bar, eating a burger that wasn’t remotely worth what I had paid for it and washing it down with a drink that was at least strong enough to be worth its price.

I didn’t pause to look around at my surroundings until I had cleaned my plate and emptied my first drink. When I lifted the glass to motion to the bartender, I realized I hadn’t even noticed _him_ until that moment. He was tall and thin, with dark hair and an easy smile that made something stupid flutter up in my chest. I wasn’t sure how I could have missed him at first; the resemblance wasn’t uncanny but it was just enough to make me stare a little longer than was probably necessary.

“Why don’t I make this one a double?” He asked, his tone deliberately measured and free of judgment, his smile never wavering. “You look like you’re drinking your way through something.”

“You could say that,” I replied, not missing the way our fingers brushed when he took the glass from me. Seconds later, he was pressing another into my hand in its place, and I returned his smile. “Thanks.”

I watched him discreetly as he served the few others congregating around the bar. As the crowd cleared out, it became harder to hide the fact that I was watching, and I caught his eye on me a few times as well. Finally, the crowd was gone, just a few couples left talking in corner booths. The two of us were alone at the bar, and I knew I should say something, but the ability to make small talk and relate to other human beings had deserted me entirely. 

“Lose your job or your wife?” His eyebrow was raised, and it took me a moment to process the words he had said.

“Huh?” I responded, wondering just how long I had been staring at him in a daze.

“I just figure there’s only a few reasons why a guy like you would be out drinking on his own in the middle of the week.” He shrugged. “I mean, everyone else here is looking for something… someone. But not you. Just makes a guy wonder, that’s all. I promise you I’ve seen and heard it all here.”

I managed a small laugh. “I guess you probably have.”

“I’m here to listen, if you need me to,” he said, turning away to clean a glass, but shooting me a look over his shoulder. “I didn’t really plan on being a bartender when I studied psychology in college, but the two things work surprisingly well together. So, you know, if you feel like talking. I’m here.”

He was rambling a little, but it was kind of endearing. I imagined a person probably got bored working in a bar, especially on a slow weeknight. It wasn’t like anyone was there to see you; they only remembered you existed when they needed a refill. I couldn’t fault the guy for being a little desperate for company. 

“I’m leaving her, actually,” I finally replied. “My wife, I mean. And it’s obviously what we both want, but somehow it’s just creating more problems than it’s solving. I mean, of course it is. Because it can’t be as simple as, ‘hey, I think we should get divorced.’”

“Things rarely are that simple,” he remarked, one eyebrow slightly raised.

“Well, sure, I just wish--I mean, it doesn’t just affect us, you know?” I was dangerously close to sticking my foot in my mouth. This guy didn’t need to know what I had done, that I was truly more upset to lose Carrick than I was to lose my wife of seven years. He didn’t show any signs of recognizing who I was, but you never knew. Talking too much was risky.

“You guys have kids?” He asked. 

“Oh,” I said, feeling stupid for thinking he would interpret what I said any other way. “Yeah, we do. One of each. Thank god they’re so young… I mean, I think the oldest one will probably figure out that something is wrong; he’s too smart for his own good sometimes. No clue where he gets that from. Not from me, that’s for sure.”

The guy stopped cleaning and walked over to stand in front me, leaning over the bar a bit. “It sounds like you’re being really hard on yourself, which is understandable at this point. I don’t know what happened, I don’t know your wife and I just met you. Whatever happened, just take responsibility for your part in it, and figure out how to move forward. That’s all you can do. Feeling sorry for yourself… it doesn’t help. Not that I mind seeing you in my bar, but you don’t wanna make a habit of the pity party thing.”

There was something in his tone that I couldn’t quite place. Something… almost flirtatious? That couldn’t be right, though; he knew I had been married to a woman. That didn’t mean I wasn’t also interested in men--I obviously was--but I hadn’t given him any indication of that fact. Maybe it was just a bartender thing. Of course he would want me to enjoy his company, stick around, order more drinks…

“Can I get another?” I asked dumbly, lifting my glass and giving him a weak smile. 

“Coming right up,” he replied, and I could have sworn he gave me the tiniest of winks as he took the glass and began to pour another.

“Thanks for listening to me,” I said, enjoying the way our fingers brushed as he handed me the new drink. “I really appreciate it--umm, sorry, what did you say your name was?”

He chuckled softly. “I didn’t. But it’s Rainer.”   
“Rainer,” I repeated, liking the way it sounded. I didn’t think I had met anyone named Rainer before. Without thinking that it might be telling him too much, I added, “My name is Zac.”

“Nice to meet you, Zac. Although I suppose the circumstances could be better for you.”

I shrugged. “Could be worse, probably. Somehow. Not to keep, like you said, throwing myself a pity party. I’m glad I came here tonight, actually. It’s nice to talk to somebody who isn’t judging me.”

“You haven’t really given me a reason to,” he replied. “Most of the time, when people break up, they’re both to blame for one reason or another. I mean, there are some just really awful people than ruin a relationship all on their own, but I don’t think you’re one of those.”

“Yeah, well, you should ask my--” I stopped myself, and shook my head. “I think some people would disagree with you there. But really, we both made the same mistakes. And I can say all I want about how she had no remorse when she admitted it, but obviously I didn’t have much either. I knew what I was doing was wrong, and it didn’t stop me.”

Rainer nodded slowly. “Well, whatever it was, it sounds like you regret it now, even if you didn’t when you were doing it.”

“You’d think that, but honestly I wouldn’t go back and undo it. That’s probably the worst part. I mean, I would be honest with--well, I could have come clean sooner. I got in over my head, lying to everyone, and that’s what fucked it all up. But that’s all I would change.”

“And that would fix things?” Rainer asked.

I shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe not. The truth wasn’t very… it was just bad. That’s why I didn’t want to admit it. I thought if I was honest, I wouldn’t get what I wanted, but maybe if I had been honest sooner. I should have known that lying for so long would just blow up in my face.”

“Well, not to be selfish or anything, but I’m glad it all led to you being here tonight.”

“Yeah?” I asked, raising my head slowly to look at him. I was sure, then, that he was flirting with me, and although I couldn’t really understand why, I didn’t want him to stop.

“Yeah,” Rainer replied. “And you know what? I’m off work in about fifteen minutes, or whenever Jamie gets here to start his shift. If you want, I think I’ve got something that’ll take your mind off everything even better than the rest of that drink will.”

I raised an eyebrow, and Rainer put two fingers to his mouth in a gesture that I recognized easily. Maybe he wasn’t flirting after all. Most stoners were pretty adept at recognizing another one of their kind; maybe that was all he saw in me and nothing more.

The other bartender showed up just a few minutes later, and Rainer covertly explained to me the easiest way to get to the alley behind the bar without cutting through the back. I noticed the other guy--I thought Rainer said his name was Jamie--eying us, and tried not to stare back. He probably knew what we were doing, and I really didn’t care, but I also didn’t want to draw any unwanted attention to it.

I lingered over my last drink for a moment, hoping not to look too eager to follow after Rainer. Jamie continued to watch me, but didn’t speak more than necessary as he closed out my tab. 

The alley was every bit as private as Rainer had told me, and by the time I made it back there, he was already leaning up against the brick wall with a joint tucked behind his ear. His long, lean body once again reminded me of a certain someone, and I had to blink a few times to make the unwanted image go away.

He gave me a look I couldn’t quite interpret as he put the joint to his lips and lit it with the Bic he’d been twirling around between his fingers. The way his cheeks hollowed as he took a drag, making the joint pop and hiss, only served to increase the resemblance I was trying to ignore. A small voice at the back of my head told me I shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t be doing any of this, but another voice told me that I really didn’t have anything left to lose.

Rainer passed the joint to me, and I tried not to meet his eyes as I took a hit of my own. I didn’t know what I would see there if I did.

We passed it back and forth in silence, but somehow it wasn’t an awkward silence. I leaned against the brick wall, not caring that it wasn’t the most comfortable surface in the world. The more we smoked, the more it seemed I could feel each rough patch of brick digging into my skin, and the less I cared. 

“What am I doing?” I mumbled, hardly even realizing I had spoken out loud until I felt Rainer’s hand on my arm.

“Look, I don’t know what all you’re going through here. I’m sure there’s more that you don’t want to talk about with some guy you just met. And that’s fine. I’m just offering something I thought might take your mind off some of it.”

“I do appreciate that,” I replied, glancing down at his hand, which had come to rest around my wrist, his long fingers wrapping nearly all the way around it. “But if you knew even the half of it, I doubt you’d think I deserved any of your sympathy.”

In one quick, shuffling move, Rainer was in front of me, both of my wrists now securely within his grasp. It gave me no choice but to look up and meet his eyes.

“Zac,” he said softly, and I braced myself for whatever advice or platitudes he planned to give me. His lips twitched, almost smirking. “You’re letting that joint go to waste.”

As if to illustrate his point, he raised my left hand to my mouth, the now barely smoldering joint almost too short for me to even take a hit. I gave it my best effort anyway, my eyes locked on his as I did. I still couldn’t quite place what I saw there.

They fluttered shut, and I knew. I saw it coming, like I was standing in a tunnel, watching the headlights get closer and closer but powerless to move. He pulled the joint from my lips, and I didn’t have time to think about what he had done with it before he had replaced it with his own lips.

I froze. He was gorgeous and obviously interested in me--I had been ignoring the signs all night--but kissing him made my stomach turn. With Kate, it had been years since I had felt anything, and with Carrick I felt more than I could describe. With this complete stranger, though, all I felt was disgust with myself. 

“I’m sorry,” I said, putting a hand on Rainer’s chest and gently nudging him away. “I can’t--I really can’t do this.”

“If I misread something, I’m really sorry,” he replied, running a hand through his hair. “I know you were talking about your wife, but I just thought… I’m sorry, man.”

“No, you--it’s not that. I told you the situation was more complicated than that.” I sighed, figuring I had nothing left to lose from telling him more. “The truth is, I fell in love with somebody else, and I lost him. And I probably can’t get him back now at all, but if I do this… it just proves why he was right to leave me. That I’m just an awful person who doesn’t deserve someone as fucking perfect as him.”

Rainer nodded. I was sure he didn’t fully understand, but he took a few steps back, and I was relieved that at least he wasn’t going to fight me on this.

I pried myself off the wall. “I’m sorry. If I made you think I… well, under any other circumstances I would be interested. But not now. Not when I need to try, for once in my life, to be a decent human being worthy of love.” 

“No, it’s fine. I’m sorry, too.” He shook his head. “But for what it’s worth, I can’t imagine you’re anywhere even close to as awful as you seem to think you are. Either way, you know what you need to do to get him back, if he’s really that great. I hope it works out for you.”

“Me too,” I mumbled. I wanted to say or do something else, but there was nothing left. I turned and walked away without another word.

Had I given him the wrong impression? Had I led him on? Did I just seem that desperate? I didn’t know. It had been years--over a decade--since I had been alone, aside from that one brief month Kate and I had called it quits while she was in college. I didn’t know what it was like to be without someone’s affection, so I supposed it was only natural that I would go out, the very night Carrick ended things, and end up with someone else’s tongue in my mouth.

Rainer was wrong, of course. He didn’t know me at all. He had no clue how awful of a person I was, how much I needed to be needed but did nothing to be worthy of the people I wanted. I had never realized before just how manipulative I was. My relationship with Kate, I was realizing, had never been healthy, but it was all I had known. It was a pathetic excuse for how screwed up I was and how I had messed with Carrick’s head and heart, but it was all I had.

Maybe it didn’t even matter that I had stopped things with Rainer before we had gone any further. Maybe I had already lost Carrick for good. I wouldn’t blame him at all if I had. I could see clearly now how little I deserved him.


	16. Chapter 16

_**Carrick** _

The first night was the worst. I felt used, dirty. I wanted to hate him. I hated myself for being so stupid, for not catching on to all the warning signs. For not remembering what a manipulative little shit he could be when he wanted something. I just never thought he’d go that far, not with me, not over something this serious. 

I was vaguely aware of someone knocking on the door, telling me dinner was ready if I wanted it. I hadn’t moved from the floor where I’d collapsed, leaning back against the wall with my head on my knees. My stomach grumbled, but I ignored it, the thought of food almost as unappealing as the thought of facing Taylor, or worse, his family. I didn’t want anyone to see me like this, wallowing in pathetic, broken-hearted despair like some lovesick character in a cheap paperback romance. 

I couldn’t decide who I was more angry with--him for using me, or myself for falling for it. The sad truth was that I hadn’t, at least not at first. I’d kept my guards up until the last; he’d been the one to assure me, time and time again, that he was sincere. I hadn’t been naive, I’d had my suspicions all along. The fault was on his shoulders, I reminded myself, not mine.

At some point, half-asleep, I dragged myself to the bed and passed out. I woke up the next morning, and for half a second expected to feel him laying next to me. Bitter bile rose in my throat as I remembered everything that’d happened the day before. I wanted to go back to sleep, to not be conscious, but being human, I had basic needs that demanded my attention. 

The house was quiet. I didn’t know what time it was, but if I had to guess, I would’ve said no later than 8 or 9. I ducked my head into the kitchen, hoping to swipe something to nibble on, but stopped short when I saw Natalie sitting at the table. She looked up and smiled, then patted the spot next to her.

“Good morning, Carrick. Want some coffee?”

“Um… yeah, sure. Thanks.” I took the seat she’d offered, and she got up to pour me a cup from the pot on the counter. “Black’s fine,” I told her when she started to open the refrigerator; she nodded and brought me the mug, setting it in front of me and sitting down. It was good, probably something expensive. 

“How are you feeling?” she asked quietly. When I looked up she was watching me with a look of concern, not really pity, more like… well, like a mother. I thought about lying, making up some excuse about tour exhaustion, but what was the point? She knew better, whether she knew the details or not. I let out a shaky sigh and hung my head.

“It’ll be okay,” she said, putting a hand on mine. “Maybe not in the way you want it to be, but it will be okay, I promise.” She got up then, patting my shoulder before leaving me to my thoughts. Her words helped a little, but there was still so much pain. I downed the rest of my coffee and slunk back to the guest room, determined to spend the entire two-week break in solitude.

For a while it looked like I’d be doing just that; I didn’t leave the room unless absolutely necessary. A couple times a day someone would bring me food--sometimes Taylor or Natalie, sometimes it was one of the older kids. No one tried to force me out though, and for that I was grateful. I spent a lot of time thinking, trying to sort through the jumbled mess of emotions. 

After a few days I picked up my guitar and tried channelling all those feelings into something creative. By the end of the first week, I’d managed to write a song good enough to consider sharing--maybe. It was personal enough for anyone with even the smallest bit of inside info to understand; hell, the fans would probably get the gist of it right away. 

It was Friday night, with just a few days left of the break, when Taylor suddenly barged into the room.

“Okay, Carrick. You’ve had your pity party, and that’s fine. But now I think what you need is a few drinks, some music, and lots of people you don’t have to see in the morning.”

“...What?” I looked up from the bed, one eyebrow raised.

“I’m getting you out of this house for a few hours. Now come on, get dressed.” He grinned at me, then left and closed the door behind him. It took me a minute to comprehend what he was telling me, but then it hit me. Drinks, music, people… he was dragging me out to some club, probably in an attempt to help me ‘rebound’ or whatever from Zac. I chuckled and shook my head; I should’ve seen this coming, really. The fact that it’d taken him so long was the most surprising part.

I sighed heavily; I didn’t really want to go out, but maybe it was a good idea. I’d been sitting in a funk for over a week now, and I didn’t even feel like myself anymore. I wanted to feel alive again, I realized, and if that meant letting Taylor drag my ass out to some nightclub and getting drunk enough to forget Zac’s name… well, the idea was sounding more appealing by the minute.

It didn’t take me long to get ready, but I did put some effort into how I looked. It wasn’t like I was trying to hook up with someone, but I felt better not looking like a total wreck. If my eyes were still a little red, I could just chalk it up to being a stoner. I met Taylor in the living room; he gave me a once-over and nodded, smiling.

“You look good. C’mon, the car’s warmed up.”

I stared out the window as we drove across town. I wondered what Zac was doing, then instantly regretted the thought. I looked at Taylor and smiled; he really was a great friend.

“Hey man, thanks. For dragging my ass out, and for putting up with me all week. I’m sorry I’ve been such a bum.”

“It’s fine,” he replied, smiling and shaking his head. His brow furrowed, and he bit his lip. “You didn’t deserve how he treated you. I’m sorry you had to be put through all of it.”

“Did you know?” I wasn’t accusing him or anything, and I hoped my tone reflected that. After a few seconds, he nodded.

“Not until recently, but… yeah. I should’ve said something, I know, but…”

“It’s okay. He’s your brother; that’s an impossible position to be put in, and I don’t blame you for being loyal to blood. I probably would’ve done the same.” I sighed and leaned my head against the window for a minute. “It’s just like… it’s what he does, isn’t it? He tells everyone what they want to hear, and doesn’t worry about what’ll happen when they compare notes until the shit hits the fan.”

“I never thought he’d be that self-serving, though. Not to you.”

“Yeah… same here,” I said quietly.

“For what it’s worth, I’m still here for you, no matter what.”

I turned to smile at him, grateful once again to count him as a friend. If things had happened differently, who knows what might’ve been. 

I hadn't really thought about what kind of club I was being dragged to, but I was a little surprised when we pulled up to one of the few gay bars in Tulsa. I guess I'd assumed he would think I wouldn't want to be with another guy right away, since he knew I was bi. Heck, until he found out about me and Zac, I wasn't sure if Tay even knew I was into guys at all. But then again, maybe it wasn't just for my benefit. 

The club was packed, the bass thumping in my chest. We squeezed our way up to the bar, and ordered a couple beers that I was pretty sure Tay sweet-talked the bartender into giving us on the house. The music was loud enough to drown out the static in my head, and I felt myself starting to unwind. I had to hand it to Tay, this was just what I needed. 

We drank and people-watched for a while, until Tay decided it was time to dance. I wasn't so sure, but I let him drag me onto the floor anyway. It didn't take long for us to get separated, but that was okay. For the first time in a while I was able to just let go and have fun. It felt good.

I became aware of someone trying to dance with me, and turned to look at him. He was almost as tall as me, with black hair as typed onto short bleach-tipped spikes, and a coy smile. Cute, and not exactly against my type. I moved closer and danced with him for a couple songs, until he nodded towards the bar.

“Shots?” he offered, already holding out a glass of something clear.

“Why the hell not,” I said with a grin. Our fingers brushed as I took the glass from him, in a way that couldn't have been unintentional. I tossed it back, watching him watch me as I did. He took his own shot, then called for another pair.

“So who you trying to forget?” he asked, and I coughed a little, the vodka burning my throat. “I know the look,” he went on, a knowing smile on his lips.

“Wouldn't really be forgetting if I talk about him, would it?”

“Touche.” We clicked glasses and down our third… fourth? Shots. He didn't say more, but took my hand and led me back put yo the dance floor. He was strong and assertive, not aggressive but confident. I liked it. I let myself lose track of time as we danced, eventually finding ourselves in a booth with a bottle of absolut. I couldn’t say who kissed who first, but things heated up pretty quick, hands gripping thighs and fingers reaching under shirts. 

“Do you want to come back to my place?” he whispered in my ear, his lips grazing my jaw. I shivered and pulled back, ready to nod; I wanted him, and needed this. But when I looked in his eyes, I froze. They were the same shade of chocolate as Zac’s, and the connection sent a stab of pain through my chest. I let out a breath and leaned back, distancing myself.

“I… I want to,” I said as quietly as I could manage while still being heard. “I do. Trust me, I do,” I chuckled. “But…”

“It's alright,” he said, nodding and backing up slightly.

“I'm sorry.”

“My heart’s not broken,” he said, patting my hand. “I've been there, I know how it is. Thanks for letting me keep you company.” He leaned over and kissed the corner of my mouth gently, and then he was gone.

I felt like an asshole, but what could I have done? Hooked up with this sweet guy, all the while thinking about someone else? That seemed like the worse move to me, and if I was gonna be an ass at least I could be a considerate one. Part of me wanted to chase him down, tell him I changed my mind and yeah, I’d love to go back to his place and screw til sunup. But I’d done the right thing, I told myself. 

Taylor found me a little later. I finished my drink slowly, Tay watching me with a look I wasn't sure I wanted to interpret. We headed out not much later, after Tay’s reassurance that he’d stuck to just two beers. The ride back to his house was quiet, but it was a comfortable silence. We stumbled into the house and collapsed on the couch, muffling our laughter. Taylor got up and went to the kitchen, bringing back a bottle of rum and taking a sip.

“Looked like you were getting pretty cozy with that guy,” Tay said after a bit. He smirked at me, nudging my side with his elbow. “Half expected to be coming back here by myself.”

“Yeah,” I said, shrugging. “He wanted me to… I almost did. But…” I bit my lip, feeling guilty again for shooting him down.

“But what?” Taylor asked, his brow furrowed.

“I just couldn’t,” I sighed, leaning back on the couch and closing my eyes. “I looked at him, and all I could think about was... you know.” I felt my eyes watering a little. I grabbed the bottle from Tay and took a long swig. I could feel him watching me, and when I glanced over, he was giving me the saddest pout. He reached over and touched my knee.

“I really am sorry, Carrick. You deserve so much better than that.”

“I know, that’s the bitch of it. I know I do, but…” I sighed and took another sip. Tay took the bottle and brought it to his own lips, and my eyes were drawn to him. “I’d love to be able to just forget for a while. To just… not feel like this.”

“I know. And I told you, I’m here for you. Whatever you need.” He smiled, then blinked, his cheeks turning a little pink. He looked away, taking another drink.

“Whatever I need, huh?” I teased, nudging his knee with mine. I was just joking… mostly. But when he turned to look at me again, there was no question that he’d meant what he said, in whatever way I chose to take it. The air between us changed, a tension beginning to build. 

“You’re a great guy, Carrick. Anyone would be lucky to have you.” He passed me the bottle again, and this time there was a clear moment when our hands brushed, his fingers lingering on mine.

“You’re not so bad yourself.”

For some reason that made him laugh; he moved to swat at me but missed, and ended up falling against me. Both of us were laughing then, falling back on the couch in a heap. The room spun as all I’d had to drink started to catch up to me. That didn’t stop me from taking another swig, though. I watched as Tay grabbed the bottle and took a sip of his own. The bottle hit the table with a clatter as he set it down, and he chuckled. He was laying on top of me from the waist up, his cheeks flushed and his eyes wide. He licked his lips slowly, deliberately. I could see the gears turning, see him trying to decide. I made the choice for him, leaning up swiftly and pressing our lips together.

I felt him tense, and pulled back. I’d misread him, seen signals that weren’t really there. I was almost seeing two of him, and I couldn’t tell if it was him shaking, or just my vision. 

“Is this… what you want?” he asked. His tone was sincerely curious, not accusatory, and I nodded. 

“If you don’t--”

“I do,” he answered quickly, then blushed at his own eagerness. “I just… earlier, you said…”

“I know what I said. And… yeah. But I just… I need…”

“Okay.” He nodded, and I smiled. He touched my cheek, and the pity in his expression would’ve turned me off completely, if there wasn’t so much desire mixed in with it.

I closed my eyes and let my head fall back. The world blurred around me, sensations and sounds bleeding into each other; it was all good, so good, too good. Things were happening too fast, or my mind was moving too slowly, to keep track of who was touching who and where. And for the first time in what felt like ages, Zac didn’t cross my mind once.


	17. Chapter 17

**_Zac_ **

I spent the rest of our week off in my apartment, alone. After venturing outside and finding myself in over my head with someone I didn’t even know, I really didn’t want to face anyone new at all. And so I slept, ordered delivery food, and played video games for days on end, trying to ignore the reality around me.

The reality was that I should have been spending this break with my kids. Maybe not with my wife, but with my kids. They didn’t deserve to suffer just because their parents were horrible human beings. I typed and deleted a text to Kate what felt like a million times, but I never sent it. We needed to talk, and I needed to see my kids, but I wasn’t ready to face her yet. 

I thought better of texting Carrick, too. I couldn’t help thinking that what I needed to talk to him about would be better in person. At least, it would be harder for him to ignore me that way. If anything could be done to save our relationship, or even our friendship, it had to be done in person. Truthfully, I wasn’t sure there was such a thing, but my brief encounter with that bartender only made it clearer to me that Carrick was the only person I wanted. 

On the last day of our break, we gathered at the studio to get our schedules for the rest of the tour. Carrick wasn’t there, although I supposed he didn’t _have_ to be. When we made our way to the venue for soundcheck, I still didn’t see him anywhere. I was sure he was avoiding me, but he couldn’t avoid me forever. Once we were on the bus together, we would have to find some way to get along. I decided we would have to sort that out before we left Tulsa, and I searched all around the venue for him, but no one seemed to have seen him. He would turn up before the show started… I hoped.

Eventually I gave up the search and headed for the green room in hopes of relaxing a bit before the show. I had to get in a better mindset; I couldn’t perform the way I felt right then. 

I paused outside the green room when I heard voices. They were soft and low, something about the tone conveying that it was a private conversation I shouldn’t be listening to. I heard a soft laugh that struck a strange, familiar chord and I leaned against the door.

“… not bad crazy?” Another voice, not the one who had laughed. It was Taylor; his voice was always distinctive. There was something in it right then that I couldn’t place, though. Something that told me this conversation wasn’t for my ears, and I really didn’t care.

The other person said something I couldn’t hear, their voice little more than a soft rumble.

“I get it. I’m still here, for whatever.” Taylor lowered his voice, the rest of his sentence little more than a few disjointed words that made no sense to me. “Don’t regret… both pretty gone…”

“Definitely not… always wondered what…” 

I pressed my ear to the door, but could make out no more of their exchange. 

“--when I’m sober.” 

It was then that I realized the door wasn’t locked, or even entirely latched. I had pressed too much of my weight against it, and it opened before I could prepare anything to say to explain my appearance. 

“T-tay?” I stuttered out, surprised to see that the other person in the conversation was Carrick. Neither of them seemed prepared for my appearance either. “Are you--uh.” 

“What’s up?” Taylor said, standing up perhaps a little too quickly.

I tried to focus on him, not Carrick. I recalled passing our keyboard tech in the hallway and briefly speaking to him. It gave me a ready explanation for my sudden appearance that wasn’t entirely a lie. “Oh, yeah--uh, Jake was looking for you. I dunno, umm, what he needed.”

“Thanks,” Taylor replied. He turned back to Carrick for a moment, then left without another word.

Carrick slipped his sunglasses on, which I thought was a little bit overkill, considering we were inside. He was trying too hard to look nonchalant, but I could see the way his knee was bouncing. The truth was, I felt just as nervous. Now that I was actually alone with him, I had no clue what to say or do.

“You need something?” he asked, his tone so sharp that the words almost physically stung.

“Carrick, I just--I wanted to talk to you. I _need_ to talk to you.”

He sighed. “So talk.”

I took a small step closer to him, letting the door close behind me so that our conversation could be private. “I just need you to know how sorry I am. Not that you found out, but that I lied in the first place. It was stupid, and I think I really believed that I was protecting you or something, but I knew it was wrong. And I just need you to know that, okay? I know that doesn’t change the fact that I did it anyway, but I know I fucked up.”

“Good for you,” Carrick replied, rubbing his temple as though just the sound of my voice had given him a headache.

“I mean, I _am_ a fuck up,” I continued, “so I guess I understand if you don’t want to be with me now. I just--I wanted you for so long, loved you for so long, and I finally saw a way to be with you. And I took it. I swear I’m not trying to justify it now. I’m just saying that’s how desperate I was for even a little bit of you. And I’m so fucking sorry that I just took that for myself and didn’t give you all that you deserved in return. I just wish I had the chance to do that now, that there was something I could do… to get another chance to do it right.”

Carrick was silent for so long that I wondered if he had just ignored every word out of my mouth. Finally, he spoke. “You wanna know the really sad part? I’m not even mad at you anymore. Not really.”

“I think I’m mad enough at me for both of us,” I replied softly, shrugging. I tried to play it off, but it was the truth. I hated myself for what I had done to him. 

Carrick gave a shrug of his own. “Doesn’t really matter to me. Can’t really be mad at you for doing what you always do. Whole new level, but the same shit. And I knew, but I got greedy, so I put my blinders on and rolled with it.”

I sighed. I wasn’t sure how I expected this to go. I knew talking to him wouldn’t be easy, but I didn’t expect to encounter someone so callous and to know it was all my fault. Yet I couldn’t stop myself from talking more, as though I could somehow dig myself back out of the hole I had created. 

“Look, I’m not even--I’m not trying to get you to take me back or anything. I just need you to know that I honestly do understand how fucked up what I did was and how sorry I am. I mean, we have to finish this tour together somehow and I don’t know… I don’t know how to do it. I know there’s no way we can go back to normal, whatever that is, but we’ve gotta tour together anyway.”

“Shouldn’t be that hard,” Carrick replied. He stood up and walked toward me, his height more intimidating than usual when combined with his demeanor. “Stay out of my way, and I’ll stay out of yours.”

“So it’s just that simple?” I asked. “I don’t know about you, but I can’t just--I can’t throw it all away that easily and act like I don’t want to be with you. I can’t just avoid you for the rest of the tour and then… then what?”

Carrick shifted his weight from one foot to the other, and I swore I could see the cracks forming in the tough facade he had put up. They were razor thin, but they were there. He sighed. 

“Then I go back to Cali, and you… I don’t really care what you do. Now are you gonna get out of my way or do you wanna stand there and spout more ‘I’m such an asshole’ bullshit?”

“It’s not--it’s not bullshit,” I practically gasped out, still shocked by how cold he could be, even though I knew I deserved that and more. “If you honestly don’t care, then I don’t know why I’m bothering. But can you really tell me you don’t? Because I still do, and that’s not going to change. I don’t know how to show you the truth, how I really feel, but I want to figure out how. If it even matters now.”

He was shaking slightly, so faintly that I almost wondered if I was imagining it, just seeing what I wanted to see. His hands were balled tightly into fists. Looking away, he said, “It doesn’t matter if I care or not. What’s done is done.”

“It matters to me,” I replied. It was the only thing that mattered. If he could truly turn his feelings for me off just like that… or if they could be negated by my mistakes… then it wasn’t worth fighting for. But I had to believe that it was. 

“That’s your problem. Not mine.” Carrick’s voice was nearly a growl, but I wasn’t deterred.

“Being in love with you isn’t a problem. It’s just how I feel, and I can’t turn it off or pretend I don’t feel it. I spent long enough pretending I didn’t and that didn’t really get me anywhere good. If you want me to leave you alone, I can do that, but I can’t pretend not to feel the way I feel.”

“Zac…” A single tear rolled down his cheek, and for a moment, I thought I had broken through the wall he was trying to build between us. His voice cracking, he said, “You need to get out of my way right now.”

I stared at him, willing myself to say something, anything, else. I was so close, and yet still so far. I realized, staring at him, that perhaps for once I needed to do what he asked of me. With a nod, I stepped aside.

He stood still for a moment, as though he hadn’t expected me to obey--as though maybe he hadn’t even _wanted_ me to. Finally, he stalked off, leaving me alone in the green room, wondering if I had done even one thing right in that whole conversation.

All too soon, the door opened again. I briefly let myself imagine it was Carrick coming back to tell me he had changed his mind. But of course it wasn’t. It was Taylor, one hand pressed judgmentally into his hip.

“What?” I asked, blinking at him. 

“How was your break?” He asked, his tone blatantly deliberate.

“Can we not do this right now, please?” I asked. “Is that what you and Carrick were talking about? What a horrible person I am? Because I already know, and I really don’t need to hear it from somebody else.”

Taylor rolled his eyes, shouldering past me and sitting down on the couch. “No, that’s not what we were talking about.”

“Well, you obviously already know all about what happened, so again, do we really have to have this conversation?”

“Do you have any idea what this week has been like for him?” Taylor glared at me. “Of course not, because all you think about is how it affects you.”

“Considering the fact that he’s completely shutting me out, I can honestly say that no, I don’t know. But please tell me more about how I think and feel.”

Taylor glanced at the doorway, then back at me. “Did you know he didn’t even come out of our guest room for the first two days? I had to practically drag him out last night. Whatever you did, you damn near broke him. But sure, let’s talk about you.”

“Don’t act like you didn’t know I wasn’t being honest with him,” I shot back, not understanding why Taylor was suddenly being so defensive of Carrick like they had been best friends all along. “So the truth finally came out, like I should have known it would, and I can’t exactly go back in time and do it right, be honest with him about my marriage--which, by the way, actually _is_ over now.”

“I didn’t know until the last minute, Zac,” Taylor replied, his tone softening almost imperceptibly. “You kept it from me just as much as anyone else. Hell, I didn’t even know you weren’t straight. And I’m sorry about things with Kate, but to be perfectly honest, I really never understood why you married her in the first place.”

“Honestly, I don’t know why I did either. I used to know, but…” I shook my head and sighed. “I guess this is karma, though. I can’t even be happy that I’m free of her because I lost him in the process. I just--like it doesn’t even make sense to say I did it because I love him, because why would I hurt him if I love him? But I just… I saw the opportunity to finally be with him and I took it. That was as much as I thought it through.”

Taylor sighed, and I could almost see and feel his anger fading. Quietly, he said, “He still loves you. That’s what’s making him so sick, I think. We went out last night, and I guess he met some guy, but he told me all he could think about was you.”

“I still love him, too,” I breathed out. It was like a punch to the gut to hear Taylor confirm what I had hoped but couldn’t see for myself with the way Carrick was acting. And what were the chances we would both go through the same thing? “Of course I do. I never showed it like I should have, but it was always true. For years. And the thought of him with someone else… well, I’d be a hypocrite to say it, because I went out too and there was this guy--but nothing happened. I couldn’t do it.”

“Yeah…” Taylor mumbled, glancing away. 

I ran a hand through my hair. “Look, I can’t… I can’t ask you to get in the middle of it and say anything to him, but I just don’t know what to do. He just shut down on me completely. If I can’t fix this before the tour is over… then I don’t think I’ll have another chance.”

Taylor was still looking away, and I hated that I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. “I… don’t know if I can do that. I’ve kinda… been there for him through this. I don’t think it’d be the same coming from me, especially not after…”

I stared at the side of his head, understanding that I had asked too much but not understanding why Taylor was so reluctant to try to at least help to keep the peace on tour. “No, I just… I don’t want you to interfere or whatever, but if there’s anything… anything he says or anything… if he talks to you about me… if you figure out what it would take, what I can do. I just need something, Tay, and I don’t think I’m going to get it from trying to talk to him again.”

“Some things can’t be fixed, Zac.” Taylor sighed. “I can’t say whether or not this is one of those things, but I think you need to deal with that.”

“I don’t think I can,” I replied, hating how weak and vulnerable I sounded. But that was what I was. Knowing I might have lost not only my chance to be with Carrick, but his friendship too, was more than I could handle. “I can’t… I can’t just give up on him, Tay. Not after this long.”

“So then you figure it out. If you really want something, you fight for it.” Taylor turned back to me and gave me the faintest hint of a smirk. “You’ve always been stubborn like that.”

I laughed weakly. “Sadly, I think that’s one of my better qualities.”

He sighed. “I just don’t want to have to pick up the pieces again. I’m glad I could be there for him… but he shouldn’t have to go through that.”

“I know that, okay?” I replied, sounding more defensive than I meant to. “And I’m sorry to you too, for putting you in that position.”

“I didn’t--I didn’t mind,” Taylor replied. “It was good to spend some time with him. It’d been a while.”

I eyed Taylor. He and Carrick _had_ been friends first; I wondered if claiming Carrick as my best friend was yet another way in which I had taken what I wanted without thinking about other people. It was starting to seem like a pattern with me. 

“Well, I suppose at least some good came of all this. And… and I guess I’m glad, after everything, that you don’t hate me, too.”

Taylor stared up at me, his eyes full of surprise and perhaps a little bit hurt. “I could never hate you, Zac. You should know that. You may be kind of an asshole, but you’re still my brother.”

I shrugged. “I think opinions vary on how much of an asshole I am. Not to throw myself a pity party or anything, but it just feels like I’m burning all my bridges here and losing everyone.”

He gave a long, ragged sigh and leaned back against the couch. Patting the seat next to him, Taylor said, “I won’t lie, you’re not doing yourself any favors lately. But at least with Kate, I think that was bound to happen eventually. Maybe not the cheating, but I think we all knew it wouldn’t last. Including you.”

“I know,” I replied, sitting down next to him. “It’s sad to say, but it’s not like I’m all that upset about losing her, it’s just… the circumstances. It’s that this was supposed to be what I wanted, but I screwed it all up.”

Taylor patted my knee. “You’ll figure it out. Whether that means making up with Carrick or not, you’re tough. You’ll survive.”

“I hope you’re right,” I replied, letting myself lean against him a little. “I mean, not about the ‘or not.’ But otherwise… I really hope you’re right.”

“You know, I’ve always been a little jealous of your strength. How you don’t let anyone walk over you.”

I smiled weakly, Taylor’s presence reassuring me more than his words. “Yeah, well, maybe it’s time for me to be a little less tough. I think I’ve tried too hard, you know? Forgot that it’s not all like… a competition to be won. That I’m playing with other people, and we all just end up losing that kind of game.”

“You’re smarter than you give yourself credit for,” Taylor replied. He gave me a nudge. “You just do dumb shit sometimes.”

I snorted. “I think that’s the understatement of the year, but… seriously, thanks for standing by me in spite of all my dumb shit.”

“I’ll always be here for you,” he said, putting an arm around my shoulders and pulling me closer. “No matter what.”


	18. Chapter 18

Author’s Note: Life is really busy and weird lately, but somehow I found the time to write a little something. You guys enjoyed my last Zarrick fic a lot, and I’ve just been really inspired by that pairing lately, so… here’s something else a little different. Hope you like it, too!

* * *

_Carrick was a flirt. Zac had known that since before they had gotten involved; hell, it was half the reason he had realized his feelings for him. When the two of them greeted fans by the bus and Carrick lingered a little too long with the prettier ones, a hard lump would form in the cavern of Zac’s chest. It took him perhaps a bit longer than it should have to identify that feeling._

_Jealousy._

_He didn’t try to hide it. He joked about it, instead. Joked about how he wouldn’t know what to do without Carrick in his life, how he would be a wreck without him. His brothers, even his ex-wife, had joked about how codependent he was, but it was never truer than it was when he was with Carrick._

_But was that such a bad thing, Zac wondered? Was it so bad to have found the person who was you literally other half, without whom you were only half a functional human being? Zac didn’t think so. Zac liked it. Zac didn’t want it any other way._

_But Carrick… Carrick was a little bit of an enigma. He never stopped flirting, and Zac told himself it didn’t mean anything. It was just who he was, like Zac was always a joker._

_Zac could have sworn it only got worse after they began—well, whatever it was they had begun. Neither of them had called it a relationship, but it must have been. Yet Zac was scared to voice it, scared to be so serious about things. Being serious never worked for him; jokes kept him a safe distance from pain._

_When they slept together, when he felt Carrick inside of him—or the other way around—he knew the truth. He could feel it. He didn’t need to say it. Yet, when they were in public and Carrick didn’t discourage whichever girl was trying to give him her number that night, Zac wondered._

_One night, there was an after party at a bar. Those were always dangerous. Zac always limited his own intake, knowing he wasn’t a fun drunk like his brothers. Alcohol only intensified the anger and jealousy that was always an undercurrent of Zac’s personality. He sat back, nursing one beer all night long, while the girls practically lined up for a chance at Carrick._

_The ones who were obviously fans were an annoyance, but Zac had grown accustomed to that. He’d watched them—sometimes the same faces over and over—throw themselves at every opening act, every crew member, always hoping for an in. Hoping to get that tiny bit closer to the band. Zac didn’t like it, but he understood it; it was just a hazard of being in a band with so many female fans._

_What he didn’t like was the guy, some little twink from the venue, who kept hovering close by. He was less obvious than the girls, but Zac saw it. He knew the look in his eyes. It wasn’t the same way he looked at Carrick, not quite, but the lust in his eyes was clear enough. The guy was more subtle than the female fans, too, but Zac saw it the moment it happened. Carrick didn’t even glance Zac’s way as he slipped the tiny piece of paper into his pocket._

_Zac waited. He was jealous, but he was patient._

_Finally, Carrick headed toward the bar’s restroom, which was tucked far back in a dark corner. Zac followed, close but not so closely that anyone would realize what he was doing. Carrick glanced back, because of course he realized. He could always read Zac like a book, even when Zac felt like he was staring back at a brick wall._

_“You’re stalking me again,” Carrick said, amusement clear in his voice, as he pushed open the restroom door._

_Zac followed behind him, glad that no one else was in the room. “You know why.”_

_“Do I?” Carrick responded as he walked into the corner stall._

_Zac stood outside the stall, which Carrick didn’t even bother to lock. He watched intently as Carrick studiously ignored him, not even glancing at Zac in the mirror as he walked back out and washed his hands._

_“Are you just going to be creepy, then? Is that your new thing?” Carrick finally asked, spinning around and leaning against the sink._

_“Get back in there.” Zac nodded toward the stall. They were lucky no one had walked in yet, and while he could barely see through the anger and jealousy coursing through his body, he wasn’t stupid._

_Carrick wasn’t, either. He followed Zac into the stall and locked the door behind them. Zac wasted no time shoving Carrick down onto his knees; he was taller and nearly as strong as Zac, but he was always obedient when Zac wanted his way with him._

_His knees hit the dingy tile with a dull thud that Zac wouldn’t have admitted turned him on. When they were together, Carrick was usually in charge, but when Zac got in these moods, he had to be, and he enjoyed it in a way that he knew a psychiatrist would have a field day with. But it was just between him and Carrick, and he knew Carrick understood._

_He did. He stared up at Zac and licked his lips as Zac unbuttoned and unzipped his own pants. The dark feelings, the jealousy and all… it all made Zac incredibly horny. He was already half-hard, and it took just a few strokes, staring down at Carrick’s eager face, to bring his dick to its full length._

_“Your turn,” Zac said darkly, taking a step closer to Carrick and bracing himself with a palm pressed up against the stall door._

_Carrick wasted no time wrapping his lips around Zac’s length, his long, thin fingers grasping what little didn’t fit in his mouth. He took it too slowly, though, which was no doubt on purpose. Zac placed a hand on the back of his head, something between a warning and a threat. He liked the way Carrick’s dark hair looked twined between his fingers. He pushed it back, giving himself a better view of Carrick’s face as he finally picked up the pace, head bobbing in earnest concentration now._

_Zac dug his fingernails into the peeling paint of the stall door, his vision blurring. Carrick knew exactly how he liked it, every flick of his tongue designed to get Zac off with frightening accuracy and speed. Zac wondered what it must be like to know someone inside and out like that. But he knew, without question, that Carrick loved this game as much as he did, loved the way Zac lost all reason and judgment when he thought he might lose Carrick to someone else._

_It was fucked up, but it was theirs, and Zac wouldn’t have traded their dynamic for anything else._

_There was someone in the next stall, but Zac didn’t care. He let out a low moan, which Carrick echoed with one of his own. It echoed through the room and reverberated through Zac’s body, from head to toes. And that was it. That was all it took to push him over the edge, fireworks exploding on the inside of his eyelids as he came. He held Carrick’s head, tugging on his hair to hold him into place so that he swallowed every drop._

_He would. He always did._

_Zac leaned heavily against the stall wall as he came down. When he finally opened his eyes, Carrick was standing in front of him, nonchalantly swiping a finger across his bottom lip. Zac grabbed his hand and lapped at his finger like a man lost in the desert, suddenly offered a drink of water. He didn’t even care that it was his own taste on his tongue. He dropped Carrick’s hand and tugged harshly on his hair, pulling him in for a kiss that would probably leave both of their lips bruised._

_They were both breathless when they finally pulled back. Carrick was the first to break, the first to walk out of the stall. Zac scurried to tuck himself back into his pants, not wanting to let Carrick get away from him and go back into the crowd alone._

_When Zac emerged, Carrick was standing at the sink, washing his hands. His splashed a little water on his face, then his reflection glanced back at Zac and gave the faintest hint of a smile. Zac walked behind up and stretched to put his head on Carrick’s shoulder. He wrapped his arms around his thin waist and sighed._

_“We’re sharing a room tonight,” Carrick said softly. “Taylor offered to trade with me.”_

_“I knew there was a reason he was my favorite brother,” Zac replied._

_Carrick chuckled. Zac let his hands slide down Carrick’s sides and into his pockets. He was glad they were sharing; he wanted more, but he knew this wasn’t the place for that. It wasn’t the place for what they had done, but it was too late to change that. He dug his hands deep into Carrick’s pockets, hoping Carrick could read his thoughts. The look on his face said he could, but it said something else, too._

_When Carrick pulled away, Zac realized. There was nothing in his pockets. No slips of paper, no bar napkins. Nothing. He didn’t know when he had thrown them away without being seen, but he had. Of course he had._

_He was a flirt, but he was Zac’s and Zac’s alone. If he knew nothing else about the man he loved, he knew that much._

****

**_Carrick_ **

I used to love touring. Seeing the country, playing shows every night, meeting people who loved my music even more than I did. Hanging with my favorite people. But that was before.

For the first time in my life, I wanted nothing more than to just go home. I wanted to sit on the beach and watch the tide come in. To lay on my porch hammock and listen to the birds. To go to the skate park and watch the kids pull off their first tricks. To paint in my garage, or listen to the same worn and warped records I'd owned since I was sixteen.

I hated feeling like this. I hated that my favorite place to be, on the road, had been soured. I wondered if I'd ever enjoy it again.

I didn't have the heart to fake it. Taylor knew exactly what was wrong, of course, but even the rest of the guys could tell something was up. I felt like they were walking on eggshells around me, the cloud hanging over my head making them nervous. They smiled and laughed when I joined them at the bar after shows, or watched a movie with them, but I knew they could tell I wasn't really there.

Most of the time, it was easier to just keep to myself. I bought cheap paperback novels at truck stops and read them in my bunk. I sat at the front of the bus and stared out the window. I stayed away from the back, barely glancing at the door that seemed permanently shut.

At least he wasn't making it harder than it needed to be.

Days blurred into each other. Every show was like the last. Different faces, but they might as well have been the same, for all the attention I payed. Part of me knew I was letting the fans down, giving them far less than they deserved. I tried to make it good for them, saving what energy I had for the stage, but it felt so forced. I still plastered on a smile as I signed autographs and took pictures and gave hugs, but I felt like a fraud.

Taylor tried, bless his heart. A few days after Tulsa, he nudged my side while we were greeting the fans.

“I was thinking of hitting the bar. Feel like joining me?”

My first impulse was to say no thanks, but the way he smiled at me, his eyes wide and hopeful, I just couldn't.

“Sure,” I said, forcing a smile I knew he would see through. He grinned and nodded, then turned back to the girls begging for his attention.

An hour later I found myself sitting at a bar, my fingers wrapped around a half-empty glass. I looked over at Tay, who was sitting the opposite way, people-watching. He caught my eye and gave me a smile.

“This place isn't too bad, huh?” He sipped his rum-and-coke and looked around again.

“I guess.” It was barely a response, but he smiled at me anyway.

“You sounded great tonight, especially on Wild Child. I ever tell you that's one of my favorites?”

“Don't think so. Thanks, though.”

I wondered if he regretted asking me out. I was being a total Debbie Downer, but I was trying. I took a drink, emptying my glass and flagging the bartender down for a refill.

“Thanks for coming out,” he said, touching my arm. There was something in the way he looked at me; I thought it was pity at first, but as his fingers brushed my skin, almost too faintly to feel, I wasn't so sure. He bit his lip and looked away, and I felt myself almost smiling in response. 

“Thanks for asking,” I replied, covering his hand with mine. “Sorry I'm not much fun.”

“It's okay. I told you, I'm here for whatever.” There was that shy smile again. 

“Tay,” I sighed. I felt like an asshole, like I was leading him on. I didn't even have a good reason for not taking him up on the unspoken offer. I was single, he had his own sort of freedom; if I needed release, I knew he would gladly supply. But I just couldn't. The thought of being with anyone made me sick to my stomach, and I hated that most of all. Was I that permanently damaged?

“Whatever means whatever,” he said, shaking his head. He slipped his hand out from under mine. We sat in silence for a while, just sharing the same space. I was glad he'd asked me out, even if I didn't seem like it. It made me feel like less of a loser, like I could still have a normal existence. Maybe he and I would get together after the tour, like the old friends we almost were.

We left before either of us were too far gone, stumbling back onto the bus. I froze like a deer in headlights when I saw Zac sitting at the table, staring at his phone. He looked up, and his expression started to crumble. I turned away, on the pretense of getting something out of the fridge. When I looked back he was gone, like he'd never been there at all.

That was the way things went for a while. I sulked like a hermit until Tay forced me to join the land of the living, at least a little. There was a tension between us, but an easy one. He would never pressure me, and for that I was grateful. Still, sometimes it made me feel like I was using him. He deserved better, too.

That didn't mean I was dead. I was still a relatively healthy guy, with all the physical needs that come with. So late at night, I'd open the browser on my phone and go looking. And because I'm apparently a hopeless masochist, I would always find myself reading stories about Zac and myself.

I tried to mentally distance myself at first. It wasn't really me and Zac, it was just two guys. But it was pointless, and it wasn't long before I gave in. For the short time it took me to read and get off, I let myself slip into a world where we could be happy together, without all the bullshit. 

Inevitably I'd come back down, back to the real world where he was him, and I was me, and things were complicated and fucked up and nothing was ever going to be the same. Part of me wished the whole thing had never happened, but realistically I knew I'd never give it up if given the choice. 

Despite everything, I still loved him. And I hated him for it.


End file.
